A Monkey in Winter (Un singe en hiver)

A MONKEY IN WINTER

Sailor Esnault Lucien! Rig the junk! We sail within five minutes.

Yes, captain!

Albert, please don't!

You're not going to make a bloody mess again?!

Madame, the navigation rights on the Yangtze Kiang...

...is granted us by the treaty of August 3rd, 1885!

Do you challenge the treaty?

I don't challenge anything.

I only ask you not to wreck everything again. Like last time!

Oh, excuse me!

Last time, the men of Sun-Yat-Sen...

...tried to fool us, I nipped their rebellion in the bud.

But we only beheaded the bad guys. The sailor Esnault can testify to that.

I swear it's true.

OK. Let's continue our mission to bring some civilization.

First let me give you the last instructions of the admiral Guépratte...

...corrected by the Quartermaster Quentin, here present. Listen!

The admiral wants us to dig a subterranean channel...

...that will connect the Hwang Ho... and the Yangtze Kiang.

The Yangtse- kiang? No problem!

As you will know...

Hwang Ho means 'Yellow River'...

...and Yangtze Kiang 'Blue River'.

Can you imagine the marvellous view when they mix?

A Green River!

Green like the forests, like hope itself!

Sailor Esnault, we're going to paint Asia...

...in a tender hue.

We're going to establish a new spring in this shitty country!

OK. I'll leave you to it, I have more guests to serve.

Hey, you native, you could show us some tact!

We know who your customers are!

That Wehrmacht scum, with their sneaky Feldfebel, that housebreaker!

I'll never tell you a story again.

Albert, don't get mad.

Goddamnit, holy fucking shit! I offer you tricolored rivers...

Mountains in blossom and sacred temples...

And you change it into a bordello! Your Norman Babylon in my China!

- Sailor Esnault! - At your orders!

We're going to burn down the village. Where are the grenades?

Monsieur Quentin!

Calm down, I beg your pardon!

You surrender? O.K! The iron fist clad by a velvet glove.

- Sailor, back at the paddles! - Yes, at your service.

Take care of the rocks!

And above all, watch the mirages!

The Yangtse- kiang isn't a river, it's an avenue...

An avenue, 5.000 km long... It tumbles down from Tibet...

...to end in the Yellow Sea...

...with it's junks and sampans lying on the shore.

And in the center there're maelstroms and floating islands...

...with their orchids, high like trees.

The Yangtse-kiang, mate, that's millions of cubic meters...

...of gold and flowers descending towards Nankin.

All along it's shore there are floating cities, where you can buy everything!

Rice alcohol, all religions, and then... the whores and the opium!

I can assure you, hostess, that the marine commando...

...for years, has been a decorative element in the tea houses.

We still knew, how to laugh in those times.

She went down and out for a red haired, rose pimp.

He was a Jew, of garlic he smelled.

And he got her, though she came from Formosa, from some brothel in Shanghai.

- Beautiful - I didn't write that!

These fumes haunt me while I go down the river..

I thought it was an avenue.

We don't know. Maybe it's a dream, pouring out to the sea.

Schnell!

- Schluss der Vorstellung! - They harass us with their war.

Hey! Wait for me!

Achtung, messieurs! Achtung!

Go! Into the cellar!

They're bombing Le Havre.

You idiot, Le Havre is the other way! This is going to hit us in the jaw!

Get down!

Maybe we better get back to the wife. They will worry about us.

Well, they have something to worry about.

- They start again! - Nothing will happen, I tell you!

- Nothing, nothing? - Nothing!

- Why are you fucking around with your tie? - I don't wanna die untidy.

You can lay out your own corpse later, get moving!

Oh! Fuck! Tac, tac, tac, tac, tac, tac, tac!

Albert!

Albert! Wait!

Albert!

It's a long way to Tipperary...

It's a long way to go.

It's a long way to Tipperary...

Et goodbye Piccadilly...

It's a long way to go!

Down the sewers with these krauts! So they can eat shit!

- Stop that, Albert, - Or we will be executed!

I won't need a blindfold and I will command the firing squad myself!

Right in the heart, messieurs!

You think it's time to act like a clown?

I don't see what this has got to do with clowns, madame!

Here stands Quartermaster Quentin, Far East Expeditionary Corps!

Attention! Hoist the flag!

At ease!

Ah, Now the fun part starts!

This morning people said that the Krauts will blow up everything.

They deserve it.

A soldier on the run is entitled to some recreational compensation.

I caused some mayhem in my day. I know how it is.

If you drank less, then maybe you could get scared like everybody.

Then I would be another man, and I don't want to be another man.

You feel smart to die drunk?

You know what they will say around the village?

To die tight is to die upright, and I don't give a shit about gossips!

History will be my judge, madame! And I see no reason to drink less today.

All that motherfuckers are going to fuck the whole village!

Komm her!

- Albert, I'm afraid! - Drink!

Ooooh!

Where're you, Suzanne?

Suzanne! Hon, where are you?

Ah! There, there!

Listen, dear Suzanne.

I'm going to tell you something, very serious, even solemn.

If we get out of this...

...if this hotel stays erect and I can re- light the signboard...

Uuuh..I swear I never will touch a glass anymore. Never!

Watch me do it. This is maybe...

The last.

I'm coming.

- To Tigreville. - Get in.

- Is it far? - No, six kilometers.

Is there still a hotel available?

It's not the season, I'll bring you to the only one open.

That one is 'Les Roches Noires'...

...the best hotel, but they close on the 15th of September.

You could better have stayed at Deauville...

...there are some good hotels still open over there.

Same goes for Cannes, or Palma. Alas, I've no business there.

It was only an advice...

This is it, ''Chez Quentin''. It's open...

But you won't laugh a lot over there.

- That's not why I came. - OK.

Quentin! Albert!

Albert!

- What's up? - A customer.

I'm coming down.

- How much do I owe you? - 1.500 francs, for the ride.

- And 500 for your conversation. This is for you. - Thanks.

- Good evening, Albert. - Good evening.

- Do you have a room? - I have 14 of them. Come in.

Please follow me.

If you came to have an ocean swim...

...the season has ended.

Farmers say nowadays: 'Seasons don't exist anymore!'

There's still a season over here?

From August 1st until August 15th, if we have a good year.

- You will stay for a couple of days? - I don't know yet.

There you are.

- Looks great. - Fill in the register tomorrow.

You need something else?

- Any drinks? - Water? Vittel, Evian, Perrier?

- Coming to think of it, I'm not thirsty. - OK. Good night.

- Who is that? - A customer.

Did he say anything?

He wanted a room. I gave him room number 8.

Weird hour to arrive, especially in this weather.

Travellers are made to travel.

The weather doesn't count.

- Listen. - What?

Don't tell me it's normal.

So what? Searching for the toilet?

Albert!

- Are you looking for something? - The door.

Right in front of you.

Please, do close it behind you.

Messieurs.

- What will you have? - A Picon bière.

Excuse me.

Mr. Esnault, a Picon bière...

...is it half- and- half?

Not that stiff yet, maybe later! I need some warm up first...

I'll show you my recipe.

Request a phone connection to this number.

- Short- distance? - No.

- To Paris? - To Madrid. Here's the number.

Mr. Esnault, how does one make a call to Madrid?

Quiet Please! I'm trying to call Spain!

Mlle Claire...who?

Claire Prévost.

For phone number 14 in Tigreville, I would like...

...number 394800 in Madrid.

- In Spain? - Yes, in Spain!

Advanced notice for Mlle Claire Prévost.

- It'll take some minutes. - Hello! With ID.

- OK. - Thank you.

They will call back.

- Can I offer you something in the meantime? - A Calvados.

A 'calva' for monsieur.

For me, same game, same colour.

They're going to bed early, the neighbours across the street.

You checked into Quentin's? Well, have fun!

He'll serve you right away, ...if you're not thirsty.

I'm not sure if they will still serve wine at dinner.

Good old Albert... You can say that he jumped the fence, that guy.