Black Books

You reckon they got in through the back?

Yeah. We reckon it was drug addicts.

They took all the drugs. We had Beechams, Night Nurse, all gone.

Not surprising. From where I'm standing,

there are 145 points of entry into this shop.

- Are there? - Try and keep me out.

All right.

You see? That's why you need this.

Normally this is installed in zoos. The glass is soundproof.

Why do you need that in zoos?

Otherwise the kids start calling the lions pricks.

Oh, right.

It's a good system. You know the CIA?

- Yeah. - They don't use this system.

- They use something better. - Oh, right. Wow!

I read something about the CIA.

Apparently, they've got this stationery.

Looks normal, but when you write on it, it dissolves.

No, it's bollocks.

OK, it's very simple. When you go out, just press 05 to arm.

And to disarm, just press 3369885421...

...399. Are you listening to me or what?

What? Er, yeah.

- Do you want me to do it again? - No, it's fine.

Hi, Bernard.

The alarm system's on.

It prevents the door from being opened

unless you put in the code.

It makes it more secure.

Er, the glass is soundproofed.

The glass is soundproofed. The thicker glass...

You know what you are?

A beard with an idiot hanging off it.

Well, here I am.

Your friend's got all the details, so I'll be off.

But certainly remember the three S's.

The three etheth?

Yeah. Security, security, security.

Oh! I didn't get what you were saying because of your lisp.

What did you tell them?

- They got in through the back? - Yes.

Wouldn't do to let them know you left the door open, would it?

What sort of world is it where you can't leave your door open?

This sort of world, Gandalf!

This is the main lock. You arm it by pressing 05.

Hang on.

Hello? Yes. No, I am going to pay that bill.

I am.

Yes, I know... Yes...

No, I...

Ye... Excuse me, could you... Hang on, sorry... Yes.

You agree with everything I'm saying? Terrific. Bye.

How much for these?

- £40. - They're worth more than that.

These are good hardbacks.

- Tolstoy, Turgenev... - I know, I know, I know.

But I don't want them. I'll have to price them

and put them on the shelves and people will ask about them

and buy them and read them and come back and sell them.

The whole hideous cycle will go on and on and on and on!

Please, take them away. It won't work.

Here, look. Here, here...

There's 40 quid, just take them away. Please.

- I got it! - Aha.

- Give. Give. Give it. - Oh, my God!

- What? - It's Howell.

Howell Granger. I was at college with him.

- Go and say hello. - No! Don't! He... confuses me.

What?

He confuses me. He...

He's a total arsehole.

But he's got this voice and it just does things to me.

Fran?

My God! What are you doing here?

Howell! Hello.

I... have a shop...

Erm, I mean, I work next door.

- Ah. - Er, how are you?

Oh, I'm great, you know.

Still beavering away in Radio 4.

Hey, you look Fran-tastic.

- You sound well. - Thank you.

I hope so. I'm doing the shipping forecast tonight.

That's... good.

Well, I'd better shuffle off before I buy something.

I'm voracious at the moment.

I seem to be swallowing books whole,

absolutely devouring them.

I'm ravenous. Anyway, here's my number

should you wish to give me a tinkle.

Goodbye.

Arrivedérci, Francesca.

Hey, Genghis.

Isn't it your cinema night tonight?

Yeah. I'm gonna see Armapocalypse. You wanna come?

I don't think I will.

Fran and I are meeting for drinks, aren't we?

Shipping.

We're trying something new. Absinthe, do you know it?

"The drink that makes you want to kill yourself instantly."

- I'm looking forward to that. - Forecast.

That's right.

Do you think I should wash my beard?

I think you should wash it, yeah.

Then shave it off...

nail it to a Frisbee...

and fling it over a rainbow.

OK, what was the last film you went to see?

Er, oh, that one! You know, the astronauts.

- What, Armageddon? - No, before that.

At the end he goes, "You did it! You finally did it!"

Then you see the Statue of Liberty on the beach.

That was it? Planet of the Apes?

Yeah. Amazing effects.

You really believed monkeys could have meetings.

And you've not been since then?

No. It's all tossycock.

It's better than getting mashed every night

with no company except the dead bees.

I like the bees. They don't leave the door open and get us robbed.

Don't get judgey with me, Ming the Merciless.

Listen, show me, what's the story with this alarm thing?

How's it work? What do you do?

- Right. Now... - You press, what, 05 to arm it?

Yes. You press 05...

then you go out and it'll lock automatically.

- All right. - When you come back in,

you punch in the code and the lock opens.

- Sorry, when I come in? - Yes.

- After I come in? - Yes.

But how do I get in through the locked door?

- That's the clever thing. - Right.

- Could you repeat the question? - I'm outside,

the door is locked, the key pad is inside.

- How can I get in? - Yeah, sorry, I see.

I see. The thing... Er, the...

- Er... - Yeah?

- The code! - Thank you for that.

Sorry to ask again, how do I get in?

- The code opens the door. - I know it does!

But how do I get in to punch in the code to open the door?

OK, just tell me the code.

There was a little man.

That's the code?

No, I didn't hear the code cos he had a little man in his hair.

Well, the little man in my hair is getting very angry.

What are you talking about?

He had a Subbuteo player in his hair. I got distracted.

So we have a security system that doesn't let anybody in or out?

- Including us? - Yes! We'll get used to it.

- HOW?! - What's the problem?

Look! It's very simple.

- Right. - I'm outside.

- Right. - The door is locked.

Now, what happens now is that you...

Wait a minute! I see the problem!

You have to get in to punch in the code.

Right!

Is this locked now?

I can't hear you.

I'll punch in the code and let you in.

Have you locked me out?

Just one sec.

Yes! Yes!

You have!

Write something useful, you stupid fu...

I know, it's annoying.

Fran!

'... on Radio 4 at 2:30. And now, our weekly visit... '

Right, er, OK, just relax. Relax.

I'm starving. Where...

Ah! Ha-ha!

No, no, no!