Girls

You wanna read?

No.

Hannah's in print!

There's a typo.

Sloppy.

Mm.

Well, that's not very ladylike.

What an asshole.

Fuck.

Yeah, I just feel like I'm, like, perfect

for the aesthetic of "Slag Mag," you know?

Because it's like my persona's very witty yet narcissistic

as you could probably tell from my, like, triumphant Moth monologue

and resultant "Modern Love" column.

And the other thing about me is, like,

I give zero fucks about anything,

yet I have a strong opinion about everything,

even topics I'm not informed on.

And I have to tell you that I read your "Modern Love" piece,

and, for me, I was just fixated.

I was like, what, like, the fuck?

Your best friend... So-called best friend...

And then your boyfriend going at it.

Just...

And you just have to sit there and fucking take it?

It's so fucking awful.

How do you even recover from that?

I don't get how people pick themself up and keep going.

It definitely was not easy, and I definitely feel like

I'm more of like a dumpling than a woman at this point in my life.

Like a welcome mat or a punching bag. I mean, it's horrible.

Anyway, I feel so, so, so grateful to be meeting with you.

This is surreal.

And you know what? You don't even have to sell me on you,

because I already love your writing.

But even if I didn't, I mean,

we're basically hiring you for your look.

Amazing. That's what I've always wanted to hear.

Yeah, your look and your vibe, your shape...

I mean, just your whole thing, like, all that is you.

You know? I mean, this assignment,

it's, like, stupid. It's gonna be rad.

Amazing.

We're gonna basically send you

to this super chill but also kind of disgusting

female surf camp in the Hamptons.

Oh, my God, so I'm like a millennial Gidget,

who, by the way, was a Jew,

which nobody ever wants to fucking talk about.

Well, she wasn't, and that's not the angle.

What our vision is is kind of we send you out there,

sort of bearing witness to these bored, rich ladies

who are taking surf culture, co-opting it,

just turning it into basically, like, some shitty yoga,

- which they've already ruined. - 100%.

And then you look like the opposite of a surfer.

You're just kind of wandering around,

and, like, we just throw you in the mix.

It's so weird how life works,

because, like, I never swimsuit shop,

and I just bought two new bathing suits.

Also, I read Shailene Woodley likes to go to a private area,

open her vagina, let the sun in,

and that's how she gets her glow.

So, when she goes to, like, "Insurgent" premiere,

that's not makeup, that's sun in her pussy.

- ( sighs ) - And good morning to you.

Yeah, sorry. I just have a million things going on.

That's okay. I got a bunch of reading-for-pleasure to do, so.

Oh, no, baby. You got to go.

Baby, I'm not gonna be in your way. Do your thang.

No, I just... I can't have you sleeping at my place anymore every night.

I've been talking about this a lot with my online therapist

and she's, like, obsessed with the idea that this is just gonna be

me getting back into all of my old routines.

I am in the middle of a divorce right now,

so this is not about you, this is all about me.

Okay, could I just perception check for a moment?

Sure thing, baby.

Are you asking me to move out?

Is that what's happening here?

Well, technically, no,

because I couldn't ask you to move out

if you never moved in.

Right, yeah, but I've been staying here for months.

Yes, and I love that.

I love that. I love spending time with you.

In fact, I want to spend more time with you,

but I just want some of that time to be apart.

Ah. Okay.

Sure, yeah. I'll just crash with Shosh, then.

Baby, you live at Adam's.

Technically, yes, but, baby,

that's one of the most repulsive places you've ever seen.

Trust me, it's a boundaryless hinterland of sexuality and emotion.

It's very disturbing, and they're always somehow reheating fish.

Always. Like, they ordered this huge fish dinner months ago

and it just... never ends.

It's bottomless.

It's baffling. It's haunting.

I still think you should try there first.

I'll try Shosh's first and see how it feels.

Her manic energy is not welcome here,

so I just think the only fail-safe way to not bring that in here

is to not live there.

Well, I won't bring her energy into your place, baby.

I'll just endure her energy while I'm there,

while preserving my own energy.

You're only human, baby.

Okay, baby, I'll just crash at Adam's.

I don't know, it just seems so weird to me that, like,

they dated, and now Ray's like,

"Oh, no, of course, I'm just gonna go live with Shosh. It's fine.

We get along so well and our routines are totally NSYNC."

- Like, who does that? - Well, Elijah and me, for starters.

Yeah, but you guys don't even get along that well.

- Plus, he's gay. - Elijah: I can hear you.

Congratulations. Now you know that I think you're gay.

Elijah: You're gay.

Well, maybe Ray should move in with you.

Ew. No.

That's a very nice thing to say about your boyfriend.

No, no, no. No, this is not about him.

I love him. I just can't do that right now.

I'm going through a divorce. Slow it down.

You know what, Marn?

That's surprisingly and impressively mature,

- and I'm gonna give you some big kudos. - Thank you.

Aren't you glad I didn't let you throw away that halter top collection

after you read the "how to clean up like a Japanese person" book?

Literally so relieved. You're an amazing friend.

So, because I am such an amazing friend

and I am so respectful of your space,

I wanted to ask you, personally,

if I could use your room while you're away.

What for?

Just a teeny, tiny little orgy.

- Yeah, absolutely. - Fantastic.

Oh, my G... how many people even come to an orgy?

Well, I don't want to brag, but Pablo only really invites the elite,

usually from the Broadway sphere, so it'll be small, probably like 15.

I think it's gonna be a really good way for me to network.

Why don't you just take an acting class?

Shut up, Marnie!

Who do I look like, Ryan Dillon Davidson? Pff!

I don't know who that is.

Yes, you do. We went to Oberlin with him.

He was that annoying boy who was always

gaining and losing weight for a role,

and the role was always chorus.

That's who takes class, Marnie, your dumb friend.

That's who takes fuckin' class!

I don't think you need to take an acting class, baby.

Elijah: Thank you.

I'm gonna fuck my way to the middle.

I guess it's just

I wouldn't have signed up for the camp

if I knew that Tamara wasn't teaching this year.

Like...

she is an incredible person.

Employee: Tamara's in Santa Cruz on vacation

with her family this season.

Woman: Is there a way I can contact her?

I know she'd want to hear from me.

Facebook's a good way to keep in touch.

I reached out to her, like, 12 times on Face...

Fuck this. Fuck this!

Wow, seems like there's a pretty tangled web of history there.

And super lesbionic.

Me, I'm just worried about being able to swim out to my board.

Okay, but you can swim, right?

Because it's kind of, like, a liability issue if you can't.

I can 100% swim.

I have a fun sense of humor.

Great!

Okay, well, you can go up to your room, loosen those joints,

and we'll see you in the parking lot in about an hour.

Great. I'm not complaining,

but she did get a tote and I just got these papers.

- I'll see you soon. - Uh...

Wear sunscreen!

You're very pale!

Fuck.

Oh, God damn it.

Oh, my God, this is so cute.

Yo, can you put it in park this time?

Yo, park.

- Yo. - Yo.

Sweet board. Sick.

Oh, this is just foam.

Cool colors, though.

- You here for the surf camp? - Uh, yeah.

The girl inside told me to come out to the parking lot,

but she seemed pretty, uh, dumb.

Everyone here kind of talks in this slow, unintelligible way