Archer

Okay, kids, who wants Manning Coleslaw?

And/or an explanation of why that's...

...funny.

Sorry, guys, we're, uh...

...closed, yeah. Thanks for getting the Sign for me because we are closed.

Especially now that the door's locked.

And you're not really supposed to be back here.

Even if you have a...

- Um... I was gonna say a hairnet. - Bob?

Is everything...? Everything's fine.

We're closed, Bob... Linda!

Take the kids in the back. Kids, go in the back with your mom.

What do they want? Hambledurgers.

Now would you please go in the goddamn back?

Well, excuse me, Ike Turner. Jeez.

Look, the Hambledurger wasn't a big seller, so there's not much.

- But, uh—— - We don't want money.

We want you.

I'm sorry? We are not robbers.

Oh, my God. Okay, yes, you can rub them...

...but just please don't hurt my family. He means we're not robbers.

Oh. Well, then, what do you want? You.

What? No!

...ISIS...

Even if you kill us, more will come, Archer.

Bob! Oh, my God, are you guys okay?

We... Yeah, we're... But, Bob...

...where'd you learn to do that? I don't know. It was like instinct.

And were you speaking Russian?!

Was I? But I don't even know any Russian.

Look, the label in his coat has those idiot Russian letters.

Why are Russians trying to kill you?

I don't know. He called me Archer, maybe they think I'm somebody else.

Somebody who gambles'? When would I gamble, Linda?

The six hours a night I get to sleep?

Because the other 18 hours, I'm slaving over this hot-ass grill.

I didn't know it was such a burden. Of course it's a burden, Lin.

Don't get me wrong, I love you guys, but come on...

...I've been here two months, it feels like two trillion eons.

Well, if that's the way you... What are you doing, you're not leaving?

Linda, you heard him. Whoever they are, he said they'd keep coming.

You guys aren't safe if I'm around. But, Bobby...

No buts, Lin. I'm not gonna let you guys get hurt.

What I am gonna do, is find out who this Archer jerk is...

...and why Russian people want him dead.

I'm also probably gonna do a spa weekend.

Between work and being a stepdad to Gene and Louise and, uh, you know...

Anyway, I'm just burned out.

So take care, I'll call after I solve this mystery or whatever.

Oh. And I also forgot to tell you guys, the health inspector's coming at 8 am...

...so you, uh, better break out the purple stuff.

I'm sorry, I'm sure I misheard you.

Sterling has been missing for two months...

...we've spent God knows how many thousands of dollars and man-hours...

...searching for him, and this whole time...

...he's just down at the shore flipping hamburgers?

You know another kind of burger? Ostrich. Shut up, they're good.

Shut up. Yes, shut up.

And then explain to me if you know where Sterling is...

Was. According to our intel, Archer was tracked down by a KGB hit squad.

Ahh! Oh, my God. Aww. Sorry.

I should have started that with "Archer's fine."

The KGB hit squad. Oh, my God.

Not so much. My God.

But, so, where is he now? At a spa.

According to his, um, wife.

His what? Wah.

Uh, Linda. She said his name was Bob.

He wandered in there in full morning dress two months ago, they got married...

Married? The minute they met?

Who does that? Ostriches.

That little son of a... He's obviously doing this just to get even with me.

Normally, I would agree, but after talking to the wife...

...I honestly think Archer doesn't know he's Archer.

How could he not know who he is? Psychogenic retrograde amnesia.

Also known as a fugue state...

...sometimes triggered by extreme emotional or psychological stress.

And we all know what caused that. Yes, his hatred of seeing me happy.

Now take me to that spa. And we'll just see how this amnesia holds up...

...against a sudden and quite possibly violent confrontation with his mother.

Buh—buh—buh—bup—bup—bup—bup—bup.

Bad idea. According to my clinical research on drug-induced amnesia...

Said the fake scientist.

Hmm, and what are your parents' names? What?

Their names are... Um... Ah...

Damn it, Krieger, did you drug me? You don't remember?

Wow, memory is such a fragile thing.

And if Archer's real identity is exposed to him too suddenly...

...his mind may reject it permanently.

We have to ease him back into it, like a latex gimp suit.

And how do you suggest we do that? Well, some people use baby powder.

But I'm a firm believer in corn starch. Not the gimp suit.

Sterling's amnesia! Oh. Yes, I have a plant.

Plant. Plan.

I'm serious. I want it on record that I think this is a terrible plan.

Duly noted and disregarded. And I expect you to be totally convincing.

As the damsel in distress? Have you ever meta woman less damsel-y?

Pam. And it's not you I'm worried about. It's our pathetic villains.

Guys. Fake mustache, yay or nay?

Yeah, it works, right?

My face isn't a naturally villainous like yours, so...

Ooh! Here's an idea, why don't you just saw your goddamn head off?

Geez, what's up your butt? Nothing is up my butt, Cyril.

Oh, or maybe there is. I wouldn't know.

Because I'm paralyzed from the waist down and it's Archer's fault.

Ah, getting some mileage out of that, huh?

Ugh. Now damsel up and get over there.

Remember, you have to pretend you don't have a history together.

For the... Sour mix? In a margarita? What is this, Auschwitz?

I always do.

Like a big brown giraffe.

Ooh. Or an ostrich.

Remind me why I let you idiots come.

Free rooms. Because the only thing you are more than mean is cheap.

Oh, shut up.

Just because you own this place... I think I own the conglomerate...

...that owns the holding company that owns the hotel chain.

Don't even think about screwing up our plan to cure Sterling's amnesia.

His what?

Five ingredients: tequila, Cointreau, lime juice, ice, kosher salt.

Oh, and sorry about the Auschwitz crack.

That's not like me.

I've been under a lot of stress. I'm not Jewish.

- Did I ask for your life story? - Excuse me, is this seat taken?

Yes. No. I mean, uh, please feel free to always do that.

Hi, I'm Bob. Lana Kane.

And thanks. I just need to rest a minute.

I've been on the run... I mean, on the go, and...

Wait. You're on the run too? No, I...

Forget I said that. It's dangerous, and you're married.

And... What, this?

This is fake, I just wear it to fend off the cougars.

Like her. She's totally checking me out.

EW.

Right? So why are you on the run?

Bob, have you ever heard of ISIS? From the Shazam!/Isis Hour TV show?

No, the... God, remember Shazam'?

Wait, who's the actor that played Billy Batson? Remember, he'd go, "Shazam!"

Arch... Bob! What?

ISIS is the International Secret Intelligence Service...

...and I'm one of... Well, frankly, I'm their best agent.

And KGB agents are trying to kill me. Me too.

Wait, I wonder if it's related to your thing.

Wait, why are you at the same spa as me?

Not even the best agent at this pool.

Seriously, how are we both at... Oh! I think I see a KGB agent. Kiss me!

Okay, he's gone.

Um, uh, wow.

I'm glad I could help. Uh, I could use more help.

But I have to warn you, it could be dangerous.

For you, Lana, I will take the highway right into the danger zo...

What? Oh, my God.

Michael Gray was Billy Batson on Shazam!

Krieger, I'm really having second thoughts about your so-called plan.

Give it time.

This isn't The Flintstones, we can't whang him in the head with a frying pan.

How about a bullet? Burn.

Oh, give it a rest, Ironsides. Burn.

And please, focus.

Sorry, I'm trying, it's just, TEC-9's are awesome.

Wait, how did I know these are called TEC-9's? Uh, well...

- Remember, ease him into it. Like a... - Enough with the gimp suits!

- Will you shut up? - Sorry.

Sorry, I don't know what's happening, this is all crazy.

I'm a fry-cook but I know all about guns?

Russian spies who think my name is Archer are trying to kill me?

I speak Russian?

Oh, and plus I'm a total badass at hand-to-hand combat?

No, seriously, I'm like Chuck Norris-esque.

Okay, hit me.

What? Right here, take your best shot.

I'm not gonna hit you.

Aw, why, is your vagina bothering you? Okay. I see what you're doing.

But I warned you.

Hi—...

...Yah.

- I think you literally broke my heart. - AW.

Shut up. Sorry.

So, yeah, wow, maybe I'm not as good as I thought.

Duh. Okay, the first thing we need to do is search the entire spa for...

An ice machine, totally, yes. KGB agents.

Specifically these two.