The Shrink Next Door

Hi.

Hi.

So…

How was your bar mitzvah?

It was great. Yeah.

You missed a great night.

Well, you missed a great night too.

I didn't burn the chops.

It was very special.

-So, you managed the haftarah? -Yes.

And the hora?

Yeah. It was amazing.

I would've liked to have seen that.

Maybe I should've come.

Sorry. I feel like I'm making all the wrong decisions at the moment.

Hey, hey, hey. Hey.

-What's going on? -It's Daniel.

He's hired this bloodsucking attorney

who just wants to draw his pound of fucking flesh from me.

Some guy he met at racquetball who's a partner at some big firm.

You know where I got my divorce attorney?

A fucking bus ad.

Thought we were gonna do things amicably, you know, like adults.

But you know Daniel. He's always so competitive.

So I have to find someone.

Someone good. Which is expensive.

Right.

Sorry, Marty.

I know I said last time would be the last time.

It's fine.

We need to get you sorted, and that's what we'll do.

Just tell me when. I'll call Irving. I'm sure he'll be happy to help.

Thank you.

It's all right. It's all right.

Everything's gonna be all right.

Things are fine.

Work's fine.

I mean, I've been chasing down a lot of late payments recently,

which is hard because most of our clients are old family friends.

-I used to have the exact same problem. -You did?

Sure.

Look, you can't be a therapist one minute and then debt collector the next.

So now when I have to be bad cop,

I just send a letter from my lawyer, Marshall Feldhammer.

Did you know he got his law degree when in prison for manslaughter?

Wow.

Good for him for turning his life around.

And good for you for giving someone like that an opportunity.

-Well, he's not real. -He's not?

He's a fictional creation. My alter ego.

Nobody knows.

But you can bet your babka they pay up when Marshall writes them.

Wow.

You know, I had an imaginary friend, Norman Horowitz,

-when I was growing up. -Great name.

He disappeared after drawing

some very intricate genitalia onto my parents' curtains.

But maybe Norman Horowitz could become my Marshall Feldhammer.

I don't see why not.

At some point, we should talk about the genitalia thing.

Now, how's the situation with Phyllis?

The situation with Phyllis.

Fine.

You know what word I'm getting a little tired of hearing from you, Marty?

"Fine."

Not everything is fine.

You know, it's okay for things to not be okay.

So, really, how are you?

Honestly, I really am…

I--

All right, new rule.

Every time you say the f-word, I'm going to issue you a fine.

Oy, there we-- You know what? Look.

Here we go.

I just said it.

Here's a dollar.

Point taken.

I was happy that Phyllis, you know, came and made up.

-I was. -Yeah.

But…

now I'm just a little worried about some…

some financial stuff.

-Are you in trouble? -No, it's not trouble.

It's Phyllis.

She needs me to unlock the trust.

You know, and I'm happy to help.

I really am.

-Why is it up to you to help her? -Well, my dad made me the executor.

Because I'm more careful.

With money, I mean.

And the account is-- It's meant for emergencies.

And Phyllis has had--

She's had a lot of emergencies.

You know, businesses that have gone bust and needed bailing out.

-And ideas that have gone nowhere. -I see.

And the money's not unlimited.

It's meant to last for the rest of our lives.

And it's not like AFC is, you know, bringing in huge profits.

It's more the opposite.

Why does she need the money?

For her divorce.

-Now I see what bothers you. -What?

Did she come to see you to say sorry?

Or did she come to see you because she needed money?

Well, I--

I have to believe that she came--

You have to be careful not to enable unhealthy behavior.

For her sake just as much as yours.

She's the only family, you know, I have.

Yeah. And she's a whole lot of family.

What do you mean?

She's your sister,

but you look to her to fill the role of a parent.

Meanwhile, you're her brother,

but she's looking to you to play the role of her husband.

It's…

It's an unhealthy dynamic.

Yeah, I never thought of it that way.

Looks like we're gonna have to wrap this up,

but I would like to get into this sibling stuff next time, okay?

-Sure. Thanks, Dr. Ike. -Okay.

By the way, I might have a piece of business for you.

Really?

One of my patients is a Broadway producer.

He needs fabric for his new show, so I thought of you.

Well, that sounds like an incredible opportunity.

Thank you.

I just--

I don't think I can handle something that big.

Your call.

I provide the opportunity, not the outcome.

You just mentioned that AFC was struggling…

so maybe it's time for you to reach.

Stretch yourself.

No more just being "fine."

-Marty? Marty Markowitz? -Yes.

-Hop on up here so we can chat. -All right.

Promise it's a much quicker route than Juilliard.

My goodness.

So, you're Ike's guy?

Yes.

Hell of a therapist.

Helped me through two divorces.

Fingers crossed. We'll be working on a third soon.

Anyway, we're doing Jesus Christ Superstar in less than one month.

Do you know it?

Never met him personally, but I'm familiar with his work.

So, the director has this whole vision

-where our backdrop shimmers and shines… -Okay.

…and leads the messiah up to the very heavens themselves.

But let me tell you,

the director is not an inexpensive director.

Hence, as portals to paradise go, this needs to be cheap.

I understand.

I'm gonna be up-front with you though.

We've never done a job this big before.

So, why the hell would Ike set this up if you can't do the job?

Well--

Well, I said we've never done it, I didn't say we can't.

We're really branching out these days.

Yeah, I don't wanna be anyone's guinea pig.

I'm sorry you came all the way up here--

Look, let me tell you something, Benny.

You said "guinea pig."

I went through a huge guinea pig phase in high school.

I did.

And they are absolutely majestic creatures.

We should all be so lucky to be a guinea pig.

Let me go talk to my team.

We'll get back to you.

I'm sure we can help you.

I'm not sure we can help him.

Okay. Come on, guys. Let's think.

Outside the box, right?

This is a big opportunity for us. I mean, this is exciting.

How would we even get our hands on that much fabric?

Come on, Bruce. What about all our suppliers?

There must be someone who delivers in bulk.

Well, sure, Marty. But this amount of fabric, I mean--

We're looking at 20 grand before we even treat it.

Really? Then the treatment--

Another 20%.

Okay. So, who has an idea on how we could begin to cut costs?

-Bruce. -I wasn't raising my hand.

It's okay. There's no bad ideas. We're just spitballing.

Whatever's in your mind. Whatever's on--

You know, just, please-- Just--

Someone say a bad idea just to get the ball rolling.

I would love to hear a bad idea.

What if we used…

aluminum foil?

Bruce, what the hell are you talking about?

-You wanted a bad idea. -Okay. I'm sorry, you're right.

Cathy, what's the first thing that just pops into your head?

Don't think.

Fondue.

Right. Okay, try again.

Just spit it out. Don't judge it.

Fondue. Sorry.

All right. This, hands down, is the worst meeting we've ever had, okay?