Boston Legal

Previously on "Boston legal"...

Shirley kissed me. She still loves me.

I'm seeing someone who's dying of lung cancer.

I can't keep going. (Denny) "Hands" espenson,

banking and finance genius, only don't call him "hands."

I've been working very hard

to deal with my asperger's syndrome.

It's called "friends with benefits."

I have never had that kind of friend before.

Alan, Marlene stanger. A pleasure, Ms. Stanger.

We're going to make love. (Gasps)

We're going to get this out of our system,

and then we will move on.

You want to marry me?

God! Oh, god, please, no!

I'm in control.

Deep breaths.

You're in control.

License and registration, please.

Mr. Espenson, you were driving in the carpool Lane.

That Lane's reserved for vehicles.

With two or more passengers.

Sir, that is not a person.

In your passenger seat.

I'm sorry. I'll pay the ticket.

Okay, I'm also going to have to impound the doll.

What?

I'm afraid that's the law, sir. Well, well...

Whoa, oh...

You... you can't have her.

Sir, please get back in the vehicle.

No, you can't take her!

She's done nothing wrong! It was all me, my fault!

Sir, please get back in the vehicle.

No!

No, no, no!

All right! Take it easy! (Groaning)

All right, cuff him. No! No!

No!

Mmm.

We're developing pictures.

We're photography buffs.

Yes, and I hate to interrupt your buffing,

but there's an emergency.

Jerry espenson is in jail.

Last night h-he tackled a police officer. (Zipper zips)

What? He's totally flipped out.

If you like to watch, I'm okay with that.

All right, Denny...

Um, have you got a sec?

Yeah, sure. What's up?

Uh, well,

the good news is I'm getting married

to Daniel post.

Wow.

Denise... thanks.

Congratulations. Thank you.

Denise... thank you. Thank you, Denny.

Mnh-mnh!

Denny!

Denny. Denny! Denny!

Denny!

Denny!

The bad news is Daniel got arrested,

and I was hoping that you could defend him.

What did he do?

Well, it seems he went out

and bought himself, um...

A lung.

It's not that complicated.

See, I met this guy Tom at my oncologist's office.

He's got a brainstem tumor. It's inoperable.

So he had cancer, I had cancer, and we... we become friends.

As you know, I lost a lung.

Coincidentally, Tom has two.

And even more of a coincidence, our tissues match.

Gee, what do you know?

Now I'm not gonna need a lung for a couple years,

but, you know, hey, uh,

why put off till tomorrow what you can transplant today?

And as it turns out, I have all this extra money lying around,

so I thought I'd help Tom's daughter with college.

Wow. And these idiot prosecutors thought you were buying a lung.

By the way, you see the ring?

Holy...

Denise!

Marlene.

I hear you're getting married.

I am. Congratulations.

It must be a relief to have some financial security.

Does buzz know? Buzz?

Buzz light year.

Isn't that the nickname for the Ken doll with benefits?

Marlene, I'm finding it extremely difficult

not to assault you right now. Oh, I'm sorry.

Am I being too familiar? I thought we were girlfriends.

I was hoping the relationship wouldn't change

when I made partner and you didn't, but I guess it has.

Oh, well. Brad, did you hear?

Denise is getting married.

Really?

I-I was going to tell you.

Sometimes it's easier to hear it from a third party.

That could have hit me.

Alan, I know I was wrong to drive in the carpool Lane.

I stand ready to pay the fine, but they have no right

to take... okay, Jerry.

I want you to take a big, deep breath.

Oh, god. They're probably violating her as we speak.

By "her," you mean the doll?

Some men do despicable things to them.

Some men get them specifically for...

Sexual purposes.

You can't mean that.

The blow-up dolls advertised with the lifelike genitalia?

Men get them for sexual purposes?

You're making fun of me.

No, Jerry. This doll is a virgin!

Now the police have her.

You've got to get her back! That officer was groping her!

That's why I had to take action. Jerry...

I will help you, but you're talking about a doll.

I can talk to her.

As inanimate as she may be, I feel safe with her.

I can talk about... things.

Okay.

But, Jerry,

could we perhaps get another doll?

No!

As much as I know that she's not real,

she's real to me.

You need to help, Alan.

She's real to me.

I got a second and third opinion,

and they all say it's inoperable.

I've been through the whole stages of death thing.

I cried, I begged, I threw stuff.

Made it to acceptance.

And now you seem to have made it to the final stage...

Profiteering.

These nonterminals have no sense of humor.

My daughter, she wants me to fight the cancer,

but the thing is, if I do the chemo and the radiation,

the most I may buy is three or four really nasty months.

I don't want that.

Okay, here's what we're gonna do.

We're gonna plead not guilty and go with your story

that this is just two friends helping each other out.

Great.

Except that's probably not gonna work,

so we'll also need to file a motion

to dismiss on constitutional grounds.

And then hope that in the constitution somewhere

it says it's okay to sell your body parts

to the highest bidder.

All right, you wanna marry some guy, a criminal no less,

that's fine, but to lie to me... Don't yell at me! I did not lie to you.

Yes, you did. Denise, we're sleeping together,

and you're engaged. Stop yelling at me!

Don't you think that I deserve some... it just happened.

Oh, it just happened, you just happened to get engaged? Yes!

Yes, you know what? Get out! So this is the modern-day woman, huh?

She has her friends with benefits

and collects her marriage proposals on the side? Get out!

You really have it all, don't you? Yeah, yeah, I really have it all.

I'm in love with a man who is dying. Lucky, lucky me.

You son of a bitch.

Why didn't you just tell me that you were seeing him?

Because he was in Switzerland

getting an experimental treatment,

and I didn't think he was coming back.

I'm sorry that I love him.

I don't want to love him,

but I do.

I've got to get him help.

My god, if you saw the way he hugged her.

Is she cute?

Denny, it's a doll. Oh, come on.

Don't tell me you've never gone to town on a doll.

No, as a matter of fact.

Have you?

Denny...

Well, not just any doll. I mean, I'm not, uh...

Uh, what's the word? Peculiar.

But I suppose I've been with a special doll.

Would I like her?

Do you want to meet her?

She's in the closet.

Denny, I've been in that closet.

Not this closet.

I'm the only one with the key to this closet.

Alan shore, meet Shirley schmidtho.

Oh, my god.

This little ho knows how to please, let me tell you.

You had this custom-made.

Here's the thing about rich people, Alan...

We get whatever we want.

Shirley schmidtho.

All rise.

Judge Clark brown presiding.