New Girl

- That sounds pretty good. - Thank you.

Hey, listen. Schmidt, I've been kinda stuck on this whole career search thing.

- Oh. - You think I'd be good at advertising?

- I mean, that's what you do, right? - Advertising is a dog. Drinking beer.

A fat moron falling down the stairs.

A snot-nosed brat kicking his rapping grandpa in the testicles.

The rapping grandpa kills me, though.

I am in marketing, Winston. The backbone of capitalism.

- Without it, you'd be dead in two days. - I could be good at that.

Probably not, but you can shadow me at work today to find out.

Yeah! Team drug store, back from mission.

- Drug store, right, Coach? - Yeah. Uh, can I have my bag?

- Jess: Yeah. Good stuff. Good stuff. - Thanks.

So, same time next week, right?

Team drug store? We'll go again to the drug store?

Team drug store? Ugh! God! What a walnut!

It's been two months we've been living with him, and I have yet to crack him.

It's like we just spent an hour together. It was, like, nothing, no connection.

And don't tell me it's in my mind, because it's not.

We ran into one of his friends, and Coach said the meanest thing about me.

Check these out. Can you believe these are for glaucoma?

She's my buddy's girlfriend.

You are my girlfriend. What's the big deal?

I want him to think of me as his friend.

- Oh, I hear that. - Well, it'll happen if it's meant to.

I need to find a way in.

I found a way to force myself into all of your lives. You just didn't know it.

- Food, clothes, Onesie pajamas. - (Laughs) I like the butt flap.

You really think mine was food?

I can think of five other reasons I wanted to be your friend.

Boob, boob, vagina, butt cheek, butt cheek.

In that order?

Well, I'm not gonna say, "vagina, butt cheek, boob, butt cheek, boob."

- Yeah, but that's the correct... - That's the order, yeah.

Jess: Look, Nick, I need help.

Like, tell me about Coach. Like, what's up with him?

What does he like? What does he dislike?

Well, Coach 101 is, he's watching basketball.

And that's all he's gonna do from October till June. His team's the Pistons.

I mean, they were great in the '80s, but then we got Jordan.

Then they started getting good. Then we got Thibodeau.

What you gonna do now? And he knows that.

That's genius. Basketball. That's my way in.

Basketball's not your in. You don't know anything about basketball.

- Come on. - You refer to it as "basketsball."

Well, that's the technically-correct term, Nick.

There are two baskets. I'm an English teacher.

Basketball's just the first step.

We sit down, we watch a game. We have a few laughs.

Before you know it, we'll be digging into each other's pasts.

- That's not how it works, though. - Childhoods, Nick.

That's the friendship money shot.

Men watch sports so we don't have to talk about childhood stuff.

- No. - It's a real thing.

And the game doesn't even have deeper meaning.

- Come on. - And there's no layers to it.

If I'm talking about a player overcoming the defense to win,

- ...that's not like I'm overcoming it. - No. Come on.

Not only that. He's a Pistons fan, and I'm a Bulls fan.

Right. I don't understand, no.

- It's rivalries. - Sharks and cats.

- Yankees, Red Sox. - Whales and dolphins.

Pistons fan, Bulls fan. End of discussion.

I get it. Jean Valjean and Javert.

Yeah, definitely. This is like a Jean Vanjer and Vajer situation.

- So, where do you do the marketing? - Oh, Winston, so sweet, so naive.

Where do we do the marketing? We do the marketing everywhere.

Now, you're gonna want to take notes on everything I do,

'cause you're about to see life happen at the speed of business.

- Schmidt. I have a task for you. - Hi, Kim.

We got a new guy, and I want you to show him around.

- Wait. Who's this? - Oh, I'm just shadowing Schmidt.

Called my bluff. Don't care...

- Ed...? Come meet Schmidt. - Okeydokey.

That's the new guy? "New" compared to what, the moon?

Here's what happened. Gwen turned 45, so we had to fire her.

Obviously. So, wait. Gwen's job is available?

Yeah, but then grandma turned around and filed an ageism lawsuit,

so we hired Bran Flakes here to cover our ass.

- Just do it. - All right, I'll do it.

- Well, here I am. - Okay.

I'm Schmidt. I guess they wanted you to learn from the best.

Well, actually, they said your office was closest to the can.

I got a prostate the size of an avacada.

- "Closest to the can." - Do not write that down, Winston!

Is it not closest to the can?

(Indistinct voice on TV, knocking) Yes!

Hey. Whoa. (Coughs)

I stay sealed off during basketball season.

Plus, I, uh, dropped some olives under the bed, can't reach 'em.

Oh. I got little pinchers.

Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yoom.

Hey, so...

I was gonna watch the, uh, Pistons of Detroit game.

Don't really have the reach for that. Good thing I got legs.

- Wait. You like the Pistons? - Oh, yeah. Just like you.

Are you serious?!

- Yeah, I'm dead serious. - Aw!

- So, you in? - Be cool to watch it on a big TV.

- I found your olives. - Oh, you did?

- Thought they were gonna be in a jar. - No.

This is a big part of the biz, my man.

Networking, face time, making deals.

Normally, this would have a much sexier, businessman's vibe.

But not when I'm dragging around this old drooling potato.

Potata? Yeah, I can split a baked potata.

What a life you must have lead. Tell us about the street car, will you?

Oh, it was a dynamite way to get around.

- Mm-hmm. - Pasadena to to the beach...

- Hey. - I'll take another one of these.

- Sure. - You know, Cece, I can't help but think

that I am just following another bad lead with this marketing thing.

All I'm doing is taking a bunch of notes for Schmidt.

What's this? "Seems befuddled and totally lucid"?

- "Smells too clean"? - Those were just notes about Ed.

I'll tell you what. That dude is way more interesting than marketing.

If I'm gonna take Gwen's job and become the next CIO of Ass-Strat,

I can't just embrace modernization.

I got to make babies with it. Do you know what I mean?

It's time to unveil my baby. Micro-marketing.

Yeah, we target our messages directly to the individual consumer.

What a good idea.

They're gonna hold a ticker-tape parade for you in the Jewish part of town.

That's right. In the Jewish part of town.

- Mm. - Nothing but net.

Traditionally, "Nothing but net" refers to hitting nothing but inside of the net.

- Oh? - Ah, so, yeah, no.

Oh, time-out.

Butt bump.

What?

- I'm ready. - What? The butt...? Oh.

- Come on. - All right.

- Hey! Hey! What is that? - It's the Pistons butt bump.

I didn't know your girlfriend was a Pistons fan.

That's got to suck for you, man.

But I guess everything sucks for you when you root for the Bulls.

- Butt bump! Ah. - Ah. Ooh.

Oh, cool, cool, cool. So you're a Pistons fan now, Jess?

- Coach: Suck it, Bulls! - Yeah. Suck it, Bulls!

Coach: The worst team in the League, the Bulls.

Oh, it's the worst team in the League, all right.

Who is the worst team in the League, Jess?

The Bulls. (Coach laughs)

Hey.

So, went really well today.

I think Coach and I are really connecting.

Come on, what is that?

What do you mean?

What? Oh, Coach gave this to me. How cute is this shirt?

Don't take this the wrong way, but I'm gonna need you to get out of my bed.

- Why? Because of the shirt? - 100% because of the shirt.

Oh, my God, you're serious.

I can't have you in my bed in a Pistons shirt.

- Oh, my God! - I need you to get out of the bed.

Jess, I need you to get out of there.

I tried being cool about it, but it's not cool.

- Really? - Really.

Nick, it's just basketball. Why are you taking this personally?

Because it's personal, Jess! That's my team.

It's the city that I'm from.

It's most of my relationship with my dad.

R.I.P., by the way.

Michael Jordan.

The first man that taught me that I could love a man.

And the Pistons are our rivals. They're like in Hamlet...

The McCalls and the... Sh... Hacksperes.

You're my girlfriend now, so... You got to be a Bulls fan.

That's the whole point, Nick.

Coach just thinks of me as your girlfriend,

and I want him to know me for me.

Do you want me to be friends with Coach?

I-I absolutely do. Yes.

So, then, why can't I be a Pistons fan until we become friends,

and then I'll switch to the Bulls?

So every year you can just pick a new team?

You meet a new friend, you're a fan of that?

- I could never trust you. - Can we just have sex now, please?

I'm sorry. You can't be a Pistons fan. I forbid it.

- It has to be this way. - You can't forbid me to do stuff.

That's just not... you... That's not within your power.

- I just did. - The shirt stays!

Jessica, you're leaving me no options here.

I'm gonna have to turn off the tap.

- What tap? - The sex tap.

But I need my vitamin D.

As long as you're wearing that shirt, the tap is off.

- No more... hot water. - All right, fine, then.

My shirt and I will go sleep in my bed.

Nick: Oh. What happened to your Pistons jersey?

Did you rip it off and rush in here 'cause she got to have it? (Chuckles)

- Look, is this still a thing? - Oh, it's still a thing.

No sex for you as long as you're a Pistons fan.

You can't use sex to manipulate... What are you doing?

Just brushing my dirty teeth. They're filthy.

Nick, do not challenge me to a sex standoff.

I can channel all my sexual energy into knitting.

How do you think I made it through high school?

It's good when you go fast and then slow.

Make the teeth wait for it.

You're on.