Welcome to the Jungle

Not exactly what I was looking for.

Wait a minute, Bob. This is not the only option we've got for you.

Phil.

Uh... (CLEARS THROAT) Yeah.

Why do it like that, in grey asparagus,

when you can do it completely differently in hunter green?

Thank you for your time.

- Bob... Bob?

Have a seat.

Who's that?

It's Chris Meyers, one of our brightest, young junior execs.

He's very, very bright.

You got 60 seconds.

Say hello to the Krayton koala.

He's soft, cuddly, absorbent.

I present to you the new face of Krayton bath tissue.

Wow!

You got yourselves a client.

Yeah.

- Yes! - (ALL CHEER)

- Unbelievable. - He's a genius.

- Hate to admit it, buddy. - Hey.

- But you really saved my ass. - Ah!

You've got a big raise coming to you, pal.

You better believe it, you cheap bastard.

- Let's go get me pregnant. - Oh, sounds like a plan.

(CHANTING) Chris!

Thank you. Back to work. Back to work.

(CHANTING) Chris! Chris!

It's all I ever wanted.

Chris. Chris!

Hey, Phil. What's up?

What's up? It's crunch time, dude.

Krayton's coming in for the redesign pitch today.

Need that bad boy ASA quick as possible.

Yeah, no, I got all the versions you wanted done, exactly per your specs.

What's that one right there?

Oh, I actually...

I actually just did a design of my own, too.

Kind of was hoping to pitch Krayton.

Cool. Cool.

Why don't you let me take a look at it? Maybe I can run it up to the big man.

- Yeah, let us give the old look-see. - That's a great idea, Troy.

I'm just... I'm actually... I'm really psyched about this one.

And I was kind of hoping to just take it to him myself.

Well, credit will be given where credit's due. It's just that... Fuck.

Look at that girl, Troy.

- (SIGHS) - (GRUNTS)

I tell you what.

Why don't you practise the pitch on me?

Let me hear it one time, make sure it's in tip-top shape.

You don't wanna go in there and pitch it to Krayton, look like an asshole.

Okay. I'm Krayton, you're you. Pitch me.

Well, get ready.

And razzle goes the dazzle.

Don't ever say that again.

I was trying to pick up the energy, but I heard it coming out, and it felt wrong.

What's with the goblin?

Right there on the K.

No. That's a koala bear.

Why is there a koala bear?

Troy brings up a good point.

Well, I did a ton of research into buying trends

for more intimate products like bath tissue.

Yeah. Chris...

I hate to say this to you, buddy.

It's not that cuddly.

It's got black, soulless eyes.

- Like a demon's eyes. - They are like a demon's eyes.

No, no, they're green. Demons' eyes are red.

I think you're missing the point.

You gotta imagine yourself on the toilet, right?

You got your pants around your ankles, and you just wanna do what?

All you really want is to get the shit out of your butt.

You wanna relax.

You don't wanna have to worry about anything,

especially an Australian devil bear

coming up out of the toilet and clawing at your nut sack.

Well, I think that might just be your own

very personal association with koala bears.

- Is it? - No.

No, that's the image I got, too, right away.

You got it, too?

- Yeah. - Troy got it.

I feel like you guys aren't letting this sink in.

It just sunk in. Here's the thing. Gotta call an audible. Not gonna use this.

Let's go with the tried and true. Should we vote?

Tried and true. All right.

Troy likes it.

I didn't know which way Troy was gonna go. Thank you, Troy.

All right, just trying to look out for you, homey G.

Let's go, Troy.

I mean, I don't care if he's technically your superior.

You don't have to take that shit off him, man.

Well, technically, I do. That's what superior means.

Ugh!

- Good morning, Chris. - Hey.

Jared.

Are you sleeping with Brenda again?

No. Not presently.

But I just gotta tell you, man, there is something about that girl.

She just unleashes something primal in me.

I know what you mean.

Hey. Hey!

What's up? (GIGGLES)

You ladies gossiping again about all the hot guys in the office?

Uh, busted. Yeah. Chris and I were just talking about

stripping down to our bra and panties and having a little tickle fight.

If you're interested in joining, maybe refereeing?

He's joking. We've never tickled each other.

We would never do that.

Right.

Um...

Anyway, I'm actually just here on official HR business.

Just to remind you guys

about the big mystery meeting in the conference room at 4:00 p.m.

- Hoo! Why all the secrecy? - I don't know.

Crawford just says it's very important. So just don't be late, okay?

Okay.

It's a date.

Hmm?

- (SIGHS) - What is wrong with you?

I hate myself. I'm a horrible person.

You have a heart. That's about all you have right now.

Hey, Brenda.

Just a reminder, we have a 4:00 meeting in the conference room.

I remember.

Hey, did I show you the newest addition to the fam?

No.

I'm calling him Sergeant Snuggles.

'Cause he's reporting for duty, like, every day.

Aw! Brenda, I didn't know you liked rabbits.

Oh, yeah, right, Lisa.

Did I ever show you this one?

- Oh, is that you? - Yes.

And that there is Mr Bumbles. He was my favourite.

When I was eight, I wanted to marry him.

But society would never allow that.

Well, you never know.

No.

Chris, why aren't you at the pitch?

Phil said Krayton's not coming until 3:00.

No, it's on the books for 2:15.

What?

Yeah. They're all in the conference room.

Aw!

In the wild, koala bears don't need to wipe their bottom.

But if they did, they would ask Koala Phil how to do it.

- (ALL APPLAUDING) - I like it! I like it!

Thank you.

Thanks very much.

Thanks, everybody.

Gosh!

How can he just so blatantly steal my work like that?

"Koala Phil"? It's not even alliterative.

Yeah. That's the real tragedy.

You know, he's just gonna homogenise it,

and in the end, it's gonna look like every other koala.

All right. You know what? Let's take care of Phil once and for all.

Call my buddy Regg. He's an Algonquin Indian.

We tell him there's a white guy fucking up shit for you and your land.

- He'll take care of it. 40 bucks. - You know what I'm gonna do?

I'm gonna march right into Mr Crawford's office.

I'm gonna march right in.

I'm gonna tell him exactly what Phil did, just lay it right out.

You do it. You do it. Right this wrong.

We shall overcome!

- Where do you think you're going? - I need to speak to him.

He's in a meeting.

Can you please open the door?

Absolutely not.

Sounds like I'll make us a tee time, then.

Bring your wallet, bitch.

I'm not a bitch.

Um, Mr Crawford? - Yes?

Chris wants a word with you.

Now, Chris, I believe you believe Koala Phil is your idea.

But sometimes, a person can think that they came up with something

when it actually came from somewhere else.

Mr Crawford, that is not what happened here. I...

Now this sort of thing happens all the time.

For 25 years, I was convinced that I invented the BLT.

The bacon-lettuce-and-tomato sandwich?

Absolutely positive.

I'd brag to women about it.

I tried to convince my friends.

Well, turns out it dates back to the 19th century.

I must've been exposed to it when I was a child, and forgotten.

The brain, you know.

So let's just let this one go, okay?

Mr Crawford, Phil stole my work.

Why do you think

I was given the Martin P. Shulman Award for Excellence in Business?

For beating my meat in some goddamn jerk-off competition?

It would be a very misleading name if that were the case.

Not that I couldn't hold my own in a competition like that.

I could.

I'd be able to perform, no problem.

I'm sure.

No.