BoJack Horseman

The series is called Crooshing USA.

What does that mean?

Crooshness is hard to define, but I also don't know it when I see it.

Oop. Pardon my reach.

Well, I'm always trying to get more girls interested in agriculture.

You might say I've got my eyes on them. Potato eyes, that is.

-Guy? - Mm-hmm.

Hey, girls! It's Diane, outside Idaho's largest potato supplier,

-Starch Farms. -Hello!

Let me get this straight.

Your farm harvests five types of potatoes, two types of onions,

and is also a front for a local sex trafficking ring?

How'd you get started in sex trafficking?

Uh...

I don't think I'm getting that microphone back.

This is the second straight year this Michigan resort's food

has tested positive for avian botulism.

Wow, two years in a row.

It's like the Tom Hanks of poisoning people.

They said the jewelry is safe for humans now,

but I've been wearing this for a week, and...

Can we get more B-roll so we have something to cut away to

when I have to scratch my nose?

I thought scratching your nose was your way of saying hello to me.

Don't you find it a little convenient that the mayor has yet to restore

clean drinking water to this part of--

No, it's quite in-convenient. You think this is convenient?

The East Side is a lower-income area, ergo the residents

are not huge campaign donors, ergo--

No, the mayor didn't target that neighborhood,

he was just that stupid when it came to water filtration.

He was just stupid enough to think he wouldn't get caught, ergo--

Say "ergo" one more time.

-Ergo. -Nah.

No, no, no, no.

This is Diane Nguyen...

This is Diane... This is Di...

This is Diane Nguyen, and that's the Croosh!

- Let me see. -Did you hear

about Philip Morris Disney Fox

AT&T AOL Time Warner PepsiCo Haliburton Skynet Toyota Trader Joe's?

-What about them? -They got acquired by Whitewhale.

Oh, shit. Well, how many companies are there now?

Four?

-What is it? -I'm sorry, Diane.

Look, I asked for two beds, I swear.

-Huh. -I mean, this is unprofessional. One bed!

What are we supposed to do with just one bed?

Quite a pickle.

I should march right back down to that front desk and tell them--

Thank you...

for helping me with my one bed bit.

It's a good bit.

Dear Diane, hello.

This is a letter.

Rehab is making me write a letter to a friend

because I guess letter writing is therapeutic?

I hear it did wonders for the Zodiac killer.

Anyway, rehab's going fine. A lot of hikes and movie nights and yoga,

and I think next week, we're doing a color war.

And it's good that I'm here, and it's good that I'm not drinking

or taking pills, but I keep thinking about how this isn't real life.

It's summer camp. Temporary. Easy.

As nice as this is, I know that someday I'll have to go back to the real world.

Hey, Lady, listen, can you put him on the phone, please?

I don't care if he doesn't wanna talk to me. I'm his father. No, Lady--

Anyway, that's my letter.

I probably won't even send it, but if you're reading this, I guess I did?

Your friend, BoJack.

P.S. Horseman.

I'm only in Chicago for a week.

I don't think it's selfish to wanna see my son.

Yeah, but you gotta give your ex notice.

Whose side are you on?

Uh... Hey, look out the window.

Wow, there she is!

The second windy, muddy, big-shoulders city by the lake.

Look! Willis Tower. Oh, and look, the new Whitewhale building!

You cannot be excited about a giant corporation like Whitewhale

setting up shop in your hometown.

I'm just excited we got a new big building.

In your face, Dubai.

-Hmm... -Ah...

-Not bad. -It's because the bread

is made from lake water and lard.

From New York Times, I'm Michael Barbaro.

Today, your phone is ringing.

Here's what you need to know about people who still use their phone to call people.

Hey, Stefani.

Hey, girl!

-No, no, it's Guy. - Hey, Guy!

I got you on speaker. Diane's eating the best sandwich of her life.

It's okay.

Diane, I love that you still eat sandwiches.

Flaws like that are what make you relatable to regular women.

- What? -Meanwhile,

I am adoring your cross-country exposition of the ugly underbelly

of American capitalism.

So croosh.

But I wonder if you could make room in the rotation

for a few feel-good stories?

Stefani, our videos are making a difference.

Yeah, a difference in how bummed I am.

There's gotta be some good news out there.

We'll see what we can do!

-Why'd you say yes? -We can do feel-good stories.

What about that girl who opened up a lemonade stand

to pay for her dad's cancer treatment?

How is that a feel-good story?

"Hey, America! We're the only developed nation without subsidized healthcare,

so this child joined the workforce in a desperate bid

to keep her father alive!"

Okay. How 'bout this?

Local cameraman has a pretty good thing going,

where he gets to travel all over the country

and fool around in hotel rooms with his beautiful, smart, feisty producer...

and he's pretty sure this passionate, intelligent,

warrior for truth likes it too,

so maybe these two knuckleheads should swallow their pride for a second

and make some feel-good videos.

Hey, girls.

-Hey, Diane. -Hey.

Tell me about the Every Animal Girl Company.

We are two best friends who got tired of seeing dolls

promoting unrealistic beauty standards.

Take Ginny here.

Most giraffe dolls have necks one inch shorter by scale

than the average girl giraffe.

Not our Ginny.

Her neck is long and proud, for all our necky gals out there.

As a necky gal, I love that.

And is it true that all your dolls are made out of recycled material?

-Uh... No. -Yes!

-Sorry? -Well, traditionally...

The first batch, um...

The important thing is we're two best friends.

Okay, what's going on?

Uh...

Okay. We are excited to announce that as of today,

the Every Animal Girl Company has been purchased by Toys Galore,

a subsidiary of Whitewhale Consolidated Interests.

Yay! Toys Galore!

-Uh... -Huh?

"Yay..."

A small, independent start-up bought out by a huge conglomerate.

It must be so empowering to see your success grow.

What a happy story for two best friends. Now, about the recycled materials?

Well, it's unclear what role recycling will play in the future of this company.

Right now, we're mainly focused on empowering young girls

and closing the main Chicago factory so we can relocate overseas

for cheaper labor.

Right before the holidays!

Feel-good.

What an exciting, empowering time for you!

I know.

You think you can edit that down into something feel-goody?

For sure. It'll have to go up late, though,

because I'm having some friends over to watch the game tonight.

God, I'm freezing.

-Aw. -So, you, uh...

-You wanna watch the game with us? -Are you asking me to meet your friends?

No, I just figure, since you're staying with me anyway--

I would be delighted. Wait, it's not the Chicago Baby Humans game, is it?

It's just a mascot.

And there goes Waa-Waa, the Baby Human, stumbling around

like the furless, featherless dolt he is.

What's he got there? Don't drink that poison, you crazy human!

-We don't drink poison. -Diane, he's not a literal human.

Waa-Waa is a tribute to your proud human heritage.

-I'm very flattered. -Anyway, meet the gang.

Everyone, this is Diane. My, um...

Ah... You know, my-- The woman that I work with.

- Hi. - 'Sup, dude?

-Hmm... -You okay?

Yeah. Sorry, just-- I'll be right back.

-Diane, I'm really sorry, but-- -It's fine.

I wasn't expecting, ya know, in front of your friends.

-He just showed up. -We haven't put a label on us.

-I'm not looking for-- -The speech and debate tournament

-was canceled on account of cyberbullying. -Wait, what are you talking about?

-My son is here. He surprised me. -Oh, shit.

I usually don't bring women around my kid unless it's serious.

-I get it. -Do you mind staying at a hotel?

-Oh, yeah. Totally. -He'll be gone first thing tomorrow.

What if he sees me go out? Is the coast clear?

You should maybe go out the window.

This makes sense. But what about my stuff?

I'll pack your bag and throw it out to you.

Okay, good. Bye. Thank you for inviting me to your party.

You have a lovely home.

Dear Diane, hello. I am writing you another letter.

Today sucks. There's this new lady here, Beverly, and she took my snack kit.

And that is so classic Beverly. Probably. I just met her.

The whole point of the snack kits is they're communal, right?

They're these bags full of snacks that we take on our morning hikes,

and we put them together the night before as, like, a team-building thing.

Yesterday, I decided to throw an extra bag of candied nuts into a snack kit,

something just for me.

And I marked my bag with a "B"

so I'd know which one to grab in the morning.