Road to Utopia

For those of you who don't go to the movies, let me introduce myself.

My name is Robert Benchley.

Well, no matter.

For one reason or another, the motion picture which you are about to see...

is not very clear in spots.

As a matter of fact, it was made to demonstrate how not to make a motion picture...

and at the same time win an Academy Award.

Now, someone in what is known... as the front office...

has thought that an occasional word from me...

might help to clarify the plot and other vague portions of the film.

Personally, I doubt it.

Shall we go?

- It's 8:00, Pa. - Huh?

Bedtime. Put down that paper.

In a minute, Ma. In a minute.

Land sakes, Pa.

Sittin' there night after night, pouring your eyes out over that old stock market.

Think by now you'd be tired of it.

Well, 'tain't easy, Ma, to change the habits of a lifetime.

Lot of nonsense, all that buyin' and sellin', bulls and bears.

Can't see how a body can figure it out.

Right now it's kind of bearish, Ma.

It's... kind of bearish.

Come along, Pa. It's 8:00.

I'm not a child. I know when it's time to go to bed.

Pa!

It's time. Come on, Pa. Come on.

Aw! But, Ma, Doc says I can stay up till half past.

I know. But by the time we get your ears washed and your teeth put away...

Yeah. All right, I guess.

Here we go.

Ma, look and see if everything got up with me.

Pa, do you hear what I hear?

I hope not.

That voice. What voice?

Listen. What does it sound like?

After 35 years... Oh, Pa, you don't think...

Oh, no, it couldn't be. But it is.

That voice. I'd know it anywhere.

Ah! You would, huh?

Well, I... Oh! Oh! Shuck and gosh darn it there.

And I thought this was gonna be an "A" picture. Duke!

- Sal! - Duke!

Sal! It isn't true. I don't believe it.

Just got in from Alaska, and I came right to you.

Right from out of the grave. Nice diggin', uh, hmm?

Uh, my nieces.

Girls, old friends of your uncle's, the Hootons.

How do you do?

Just think, 35 years, Duke. It just doesn't seem possible.

Sal, let me look at you. You're a sight for sore eyes.

And, Chester, you're a sight.

Yes... Hmm?

Don't forget, a man is just as young as he feels.

Whoo-hoo... Oh!

Take 'em away. Doctor says I can't have 'em anymore.

You've got very little to complain about, old man.

You won the girl, got the gold mine, all this.

Things have surely stacked up well for you, haven't they?

Hmm... Who's doin' your stackin' lately, Duke? Chester!

Girls, the Hootons and I have a few things to discuss.

If you'll run along, Uncle will meet you later at the club.

Nice goin', Uncle.

Nice family tree, and the limbs ain't bad either.

Duke, tell us all about Alaska.

We left you for dead. How in the world did you ever get away?

Rather a long story. I wouldn'twant to bore you.

Hasn't ever stopped you before.

Go on, Duke. Tell us. You remember when it all started.

Chester and I were playing San Francisco.

It was the turn of the century. Ah, yes.

There was gold in the Klondike, and San Francisco was wide open.

A million suckers just waitin' to be clipped.

There was excitement and adventure.

There was romance. Huh.

Ah, yes. And one night, you remember, there was murder.

Now this is a device known as "the flashback."

Okay, George.

Gold. Millions!

What happened? Sperry, McGurk. The window.

What is it, Mr. Lattimer?

They got it...

The map... your father's mine.

The police will get them.

Never. They're too smart.

But, Mr. Lattimer...

Alaska.

Go to Skagway.

Ask for... Ace Larson.

Ace Larson?

Where do I arrange my passage? No time, lady. Get it on board.

- Take it away, Joe. - Right, Cap.

You better hurry, lady. We're shovin' off. Hurry. Thank you.

Take it away, boys.

Gangway!

Hey, look! Hey, we've gotta get on that boat.

Too late, mister. Next boat's tonight at midnight.

Extra! Murder in hotel room. Read all about it.

Map of Van Hoyden mine stolen. Extra! Paper! Read all about it!

It's them! Who?

Sperry and McGurk. Come on.

Charlie, why are you on this mad, mad merry-go-round, hmm?

Ha, ha, ha.

I'm your friend.

Oh, you can tell me, Charlie.

You're wasting your life away.

Someday you'll be old and all alone.

Think it over.

Ha. You're not fooling me, Charlie.

It's your childhood sweetheart.

Ah, but you're a great, great man.

Great to take it the way you have.

You're doin' the right thing. Laugh! Ha, ha, ha!

Dance!

Play the fool!

Break. A-two, a-three, a-four.

Now, dear friends, to go from the super to the supernatural,

we bring you Ghost-O.

Ghost-O, the most amazing, exciting novelty game of the age,

stolen at great personal risk...

from the high priest of the lost tribe of darkest Anesthesia...

by that great oriental mystic and secret Hindu potentate,

Professor Hakin Zambini.

And now, Ghost-O and the man who has brought fortunes...

to thousands of lucky people just like you,

Professor Zambini.

Holy Toledo. Holy Toledo.

Bourgeois. Silence, dear friends.

I shall attempt to contact the other world.

Master, shall I remove myself?

The spirits will do it for us.

Ala-kaballa, presto-sturgando, double-forsando.

Silence. Silence, dear friends.

I feel the presence of spirits in the room.

What I do for money.

Matoom-bomba. Diddy-wah-diddy matoom-bomba.

Diddy-wah-diddy. Ester-chay, the oint-jay is ull-fay of ump-chays.

Ump-chays. There's one here too.

Spirits, are you with us?

Are you there? Am I there? Where can I go?

- Are you there? - If I was all there, I wouldn't be here.

Spirits, are you with us?

That's the spirit!

We have made contact, friends,

and to prove it, I shall have the spirit do my bidding.

Spirit, lift the table. Spirit, lift!

The flesh is willing, but the spirits are a little weak tonight.

However, we shall proceed with the magic game of Ghost-O.

Taking this fabulously jeweled box,

I shall place a five-dollar bill therein,

close the box... regretfully...

Incant a few magic words there over...

and gamble upon the generosity of the spirits.

Matoom-bomba, matoom-bomba.

Ester-chay, we'll et-gay our undle-bay tonight-a matoom-bomba.

What have we here? A crisp 10-dollar bill.

Indeed, the spirits are generous tonight.

Why am I monopolizing this lucrative phenomenon?

Who among you, dear friends, would like to try for $10, $20, $30?

Any small amount? I'll try for a dollar.

A dollar. An assignment for one of the smaller spirits.

However, a buck is a buck, and the spirits are always in there trying.

Matoom-bomba, matoom a-double-bomba.

A crisp, new five-dollar bill.

Five for one.

Here you are, dear sir. Now who among you shall be next?

Ten dollars! Ten dollars.

I'll try for 15. We are building.

However, it's a big box, and there's room in there for both of you.

The spirits will have to take dead aim this time. Atchit-way, Ester-chay.

Matoom-bomba. Some sharin' on the half shell.

Hiya, George. Well, welcome home, Abe.

Oop, whoop. Well, it looks like the spirit got away with this one, folks.

But that's the spirit for you. Sometimes he puts, sometimes he takes.

Come along now. Who's next? Just bring a buck in a truck here, folks.

You can't lose. Ten dollars.

A venturesome lassie. I'll see you later.

Twenty-five! Twenty dollars here.

Call out, folks. Don't get shut out.

Wait a minute. Let's try in here.

- There they are! - Out the back way.

Here now. Just a... Just a moment, please.

Hey, what's the... What is this?

Here. Here. They don't seem to think we're on the level.

Some people are so suspicious.

Run 'em outta town!

Ghost-O. I didn't think there was one more way to get the cops after us, but you found it.

Fifty for Duke, 50 for Chester.

Ten for Duke, 10 for Chester.

Some life. Always one jump ahead of the sheriff.

That boat sails for New York in 20 minutes. Let it sail.

Look, mastermind, the tour is over.

We've been posse-baitin' every town from coast to coast.

And we just ran out of towns. From now on, it's oceans and we take boats.