Life's Too Short

My name is Warwick Davis. I'm an actor...

Yeah, evil toilet dwarf. '..soon to be divorced.'

You don't live here any more. Still my house. 'I'm an entrepreneur.'

Give me five grand, just to live on. 'And I've got a massive tax bill.'

You should do any shit job that comes along, or you will go to jail.

I am on my way to see a man who's very important to me.

His name is Bryan, and he's my spiritual counsellor, and life coach.

And he phoned me and he said, "Warwick, with everything that's going on at the minute,

"have you been neglecting your spiritual life?" And I said, "Yes, I have."

And he said, "I knew that."

And he was totally right, as always.

Oh, hello. Well, well, well, long time no see! Yeah.

Brenda, two teas, please.

Hey, come on. Oi, you two.

Hey, Ying and Yang.

'Bryan is my...

'what he calls psychic housekeeper.'

Sometimes I stand here and I feel like I'm one of the plants, and they're looking after me.

Do you know what I mean by that?

'He deals with all the sort of spiritual clutter' that accumulates inside me.

West, east.

'I told him about the divorce...'

East-Chinese food, healthy food, tai chi, oxen.

'And straight away he said I needed to go and see him...'

West. You know... McDonald's.

'Because he needs to feng shui my soul.

'And you can't argue with that.'

I love the conservatory, it's great. Hang on, hang on, who's that? Hello?

I think there's some...

Somebody's talking. Yeah, what do you want?

Oh, they've come to say hello, Warwick. Hello.

Hello? Yeah?

Do you know a John?

John?

No. No? You don't know a John? You don't know any Johns? No. OK, right, well, that's...

Everyone knows a John. Do you know a Jonathan? Jonathan?

No. You don't know any Johns at all? That's mad. That's never happened before. Right. Any Js?

Any... Anyone beginning with J? Anyone whose name starts with J? Jack?

Jack? It's a Jack. Is it Jack?

Is it Joseph? Joseph? Do you know a Joseph? Do you know anyone whose name starts with J at all?

No? That's ridiculous. OK. Hold on, hold on, hold on.

Yeah. Oh, yeah. Ah! Dave.

Someone called Dave. You know a Dave? You know David?

Dave? You don't know anyone called David?

I've heard of famous people called David. Yeah, well, say yes, then. Say yes.

Name a famous David. David Bowie.

David Bowie? Well, it's not him, is it? Cos he's not dead.

Name any other David. Another David. No, another name. Simon.

Simon. Simon. WARWICK MOUTHS

Stuart.

Yeah... um... there was...

er... a bloke who lived on the same street as my mum and dad. He died. His name was Stuart.

Right. How old was he again?

About 60. 60. Yeah, that's him.

Bang on. 60-year-old Stuart. He's looking down on you and he's saying, "Hello Warwick. Well done.

"You're doing really well, you're doing great."

What was Stuart's surname? Doesn't matter.

Can you ask him? I'm not going to go round asking people their surname.

Why not? Because it's rude. Can you not just accept who he is? It's definitely him.

In fact, actually, hang on. What?

Yeah, he's confirming it, so it's definitely him.

'Bryan's got the gift. I mean, you saw in that reading

'how the first name he got'

was an old guy I knew called Stuart. Now, I don't remember him very well

so he couldn't have been making it up.

Right, Stuart says you're worried about something. Is that true? Yeah.

What are you worried about? Does Stuart not know? Oh, for...! Warwick, can you not...?

Sorry, Stuart. No, I'm asking him, Stuart, but Warwick's being a little...

Can you just say what you're worried about? What is it? I'm worried about my tax bill.

Yes, exactly. That's what Stuart thought.

Stuart's saying, "Don't worry about it."

Will I pay off my tax bills? Yeah, course you will.

It's a lot of money.

BRYAN CHUCKLES He knows that,

and he's having a laugh, and he's saying, "You can't take it with you."

What, I can't take the money or the debt with me?

Oh! He's saying, "Don't worry about it, Warwick."

OK, what part of, "Don't worry about it," do you not understand?

OK, can I just ask one more thing? Should I declare myself bankrupt?

Right, he's saying, "Who am I? Your fucking accountant?"

OK.

£60, please.

I'm wondering whether I should explore a more formal religion.

I hear a lot of people talk about having a relationship with God.

'Warwick can choose any god he likes, and when he's chosen a god,'

I'll look after him while he's alive and the god'll take over when he's dead. It's teamwork.

I have worked with loads of gods in the past. You know, all the main ones, smaller ones.

I've worked with gods I've never even bloody heard of.

Good luck to him!

I will not work with the devil, OK?

That's the line I draw. The furthest I go is a white witch.

Very happy to work with a white witch.

And that's not a racial term, OK? By white witch, I mean good witch.

I don't mean white, good, black bad, cos I love black men...

People! I love black people.

Goodbye, Warwick. Goodbye.

Oh, Warwick, can I tell you this?

I see you being very happy very soon.

Yeah? Yeah. Someone new is going to come into your life.

Your wife's gone, she's out the picture. So you've got to get back on the saddle.

You deserve to be one... Oi, sailor boy, come on!

You deserv... Yes, in, don't cheek.

You deserve to be one half of a whole,

and right now you're just a little half.

You will meet someone.

Oi, I'm talking!

You will meet someone if you go out and try to meet people.

Do you see? Yeah?

Interesting, very interesting, very astute.

You know what Bryan's saying is, I have to be pro-active, like I am in business.

In business, I'm out there hustling.

So why am I just sitting back thinking my next lover's going to walk through the door?

I've got to get out there.

You have to be in it to win it.

MURMURED CONVERSATION She's nice.

Yeah, mine's not bad either. Right, now play it cool, right?

I want you to go over there. I want you to say, "Can we join me for a drink?

"I should warn you, watch out for my friend Warwick, cos he's a bad boy."

Why would I say that? Because women love bastards.

You don't want to seem all sweet and nice... that gets you nowhere. Tell 'em someone bad, dangerous.

Is it OK if I just... sit down?

Yeah, sure. Cheers. Yeah, I'm Eric. That's... um...

That's my friend Warwick over there.

I should warn you, though, he's bad.

He's what? He's bad, and dangerous.

What's so bad and dangerous about him?

He's a rapist.

No! No, I'm a racist.

You're a racist?

I am a racist, yeah. In the sense that,

if anything, I prefer you, the darker lady, which, which is unfair on you.

So, in a sense, I'm racist cos... I'd do you,

and not you. I mean, if it came to it, I'd probably do the both of you but... um... but...

You go first.

Let's go. Yeah?

RELIGIOUS SINGING IN LATIN

The reason I'm here is I'm currently exploring

sort of different avenues of spirituality.

I have a few questions if that's OK.

Fine.

Before we start, I want to get this out the way straight away.

It's a bit awkward, to be honest, but I do need to ask.

Are you a paedophile?

No, I'm not.

Great. Phew!

Lot of it about - you see why I had to ask that one. So...

Catholicism. As I understand it, you can just do whatever you want,

turn up on a Sunday, say you're sorry and you go, "Well, forget it." Something like that?

You're talking about confession? Yes, yes.

This is not a licence to break the Ten Commandments.

Yeah, I've been reading up on those.

The first five are all about Him,

that's God, and then it kicks in with what you shouldn't do.

I think there's murder, covet thy neighbour's wife.

I mean, I wouldn't covet my neighbour's wife, you should see her!

I wouldn't touch her with yours.

Interestingly, though, kiddie fiddling... it's not mentioned in the Ten Commandments.

If I was making a list... number one for me, right up there.

"Thou shalt not touch kids."

Not even mentioned.

Oooh. Lucky for you lot, eh?

No, I'm joking. You said you're not and I believe you for now.

I like a lot of what you're saying.

If I may take the old rule book, have a flick through that,

and see if I like the sound of it.

Oh, one final question, and this is a deal-breaker...

Do you approve of masturbation?

No.

I'm out.

HE WHISTLES

Excuse me, sir, are you going to buy that mop?

No, I'm using it to help me shop. You can't go round using a mop unless you're going to buy it.

Why not? It's been used now, we can't put that back on sale.

I haven't used it as a mop. Put it back and get someone to hand stuff down to you.

I'm not going to have someone hand stuff to me!

I'm an independent person, trying to shop independently.

Then you'll have to pay for that mop. I'm not going to pay for it.

Then you're not going to use it any more. So what am I supposed to do? Buy a mop every time I go shopping?

No. Buy one mop, carry it with you.

I've got to carry a mop everywhere I go on the off chance I might run out of Frosties?

It's store policy. Well, it's ridiculous.

Oh! Sorry, that was ridiculous.

What, you saw that? It was totally rude. I know.

You should complain. I can be a witness or something.

Really? Yeah, yeah. He was just being a jobsworth. I know. I... Idiot. Thank you.

Um... sorry, could I just say...? I am a big fan. Oh!

Of yours. I really love Willow. Thank you. Nice to meet you. Warwick. Caroline.

Hello. Cool. Um... Oh, could you just pass me the tea bags actually?

Oh! I was just trying to get those when you came along.

'You do not expect that, do you, in a supermarket?

'You pop out for a few essentials, you meet a lovely woman, who's single,'

who also happens to be a fan.

Right, eight... 172.

'You get talking. Before you know it, you've swapped bloody phone numbers'

and I'm meeting her for a drink on Friday.

Bryan said I'd meet someone.

Well, there you go.

Are these condoms all right for you? Yeah.

You sure they'll fit? Cos it's one size fits all. Yeah, don't worry about it.

Well, we've got to be careful cos you could sue us. Barbara, will these Johnnies fit a dwarf? Why?