New Girl

I need your advice on these wedding invites.

I like calligraphy option number two;

it looks like a bone thugs album.

This looks like an ad for a bong company.

I like option one better.

Winston: You know what would be nice?

A wedding invitation

engraved on a plate.

What a magical wedding that would be.

You two are imbeciles.

Anybody with taste and sophistication

would always choose option number two.

Nick: Are you okay?

You look gray.

I didn't sleep.

I was up preparing for an epic day of wedding decisions.

I'm calling it d-day.

Of course, in this situation,

the "d" stands for "decisions,"

and unlike the other d-day,

it will not be a walk on the beach.

That's incredibly offensive.

I know.

Do you guys remember

that audition I had for gas station TV?

Well,

the girl they hired went missing

and they need me to fill in! Yeah! What?

Oh! Jess: Oh, my god, we're gonna be friends

with a gas celebrity!

That's right!

But it is today,

and I know you need my help with the wedding stuff...

Cece, what are you talking about? Are you crazy?

You have to go to this.

I can do it all by my...

By myself.

Are you okay?

Wow, your mouth has been open forever.

Okay, this is crazy. I'm just gonna stay home.

No, Cece, you have to go, please. It's... it's...

Okay. I'll be fine. I'll be fine.

I can help with wedding stuff.

Just lighten the load a little bit.

Sometimes I think

I was bred in a lab to help people.

You know what else they bred in the lab?

Pugs.

Thank you, Jess. That would be great.

Uh, no, Cece.

I don't have time to bring her up to speed.

Throwing her into the fray now

would be like putting a baby on a treadmill.

She would... just shoot off.

Baby, you're just being protective of the wedding, okay?

Jess is just gonna help.

She's not gonna take over.

Mmm...

Jess...

Mmm...

Mm... mm... mmm.

What's happening here?

Fine.

Who's excited?

There we go.

Ooh, fyi, you may have to wrestle

a rectal nutrient into him.

Wait, what? You're right. Not your job.

I've done it before.

I mean, I didn't like it, but...

I did it.

Am I proud of it? No.

Did I do it? Yes.

Have I done it again since? No.

There's tons to do today, so we're going to have to split up.

I have to be here for a tux fitting

and a meeting with a napkin ring genius.

Gonna be fine.

There's chairs to be picked and...

Cakes to be tasted.

Schmidt? Are you asleep?

What?!

No, I'm not sleeping, of course I'm not sleeping!

Just tons... too much to do today to sleep.

Jess...

This is the most important thing that I own.

It is the wedding flash drive.

Everything that you need to know is on this.

It's color-coded.

Ooh, color-coded. Gimme.

Please do not reach for it

like you're Winston reaching for someone's breast.

Treat it with respect.

I will, and I just want to say

I'm honored you're trusting me.

Oh, I'm not.

Schmidt: Everything I see is terrible.

Pan left.

Jess: This one's nice.

Comfortable, but not too comfortable.

We want people to dance. Folding chairs?

Jess, if I wanted my wedding to be an aa meeting,

I would've called my aunt Terry.

I don't think you want to marry this guy.

Who is that?

Oh, finally.

Winston,

where have you been?

I've been waiting an hour.

Work was crazy, okay?

I busted a poker room,

which was a front for a crack house,

which was a front for a brothel.

It was a crime turducken.

This is the third time you've stood me up.

Meat lunch is our oldest and proudest tradition.

Let's do this every year for the rest of our lives.

I'm gonna be a lawyer.

Let's eat.

I can't. I had an hour, i gotta go back to work.

I mean...

You know, it's a... it's a bar

in the middle of the day. Like, who's there?

Why are they there? Why do you need to be there?

'Cause it's my job.

It runs itself.

It's basically a big-ass fridge.

I'm a bartender and owner.

You know how many balls i have to juggle now?

Man, those are baby balls.

Hmm. I'm a cop.

I spend my day working the city's balls.

Listen to yourself. Those balls are big.

Listen to yourself.

I'm listening to myself, Nick.

Your balls, in comparison to my balls,

that you have to deal with, that I have to handle...

If you think your job is so much harder than my job,

then why don't you come see for yourself?

Unless, of course, you're scared.

Scared? Scared.

I'm a cop.

I run a bar.

Welcome to the nerve center.

Over here, you've got accounts payable...

Bills, to the layperson...

And over here is the schedule.

It's a numbers game, really.

Who works when and why,

square pegs, round holes,

every man is a mystery...

That's great, Nick.

Um, I'm a cop.

Come in!

Hey, Nick, what's the schedule for the weekend?

Nick: Oh, great, everybody's here.

Why don't you ask my friend Winston?

He'll be handling all questions.

Yeah, that's easy.

Jess: All right.

I'm ready to taste cakes.

Okay, great.

This is gonna be fun. I'm sorry, fun?

Baking scones with Winston is fun.

This is serious, Jess.

Mmm!

Soft and sweet.

What a relief it's not hard and salty.

How is the nose?

Does it have a clean finish,

or would you say it's a long cake?

Describe the cake's legs in terms of mouth feel.

Bro, I spent two hours at the chair place.

You picked nothing.

You negotiated with the florist

until all three of us were crying.

Let's start again and put the camera close to the frosting.

And for god's sakes, please,

be mindful of your friggin' shadow.

No. I'm stopping this.

You're stop... You're stopping what?

J-Jess?

What are... what are you doing?

Why am I looking at a fountain now?

What...

What a relaxing water feature.

Are they playing Christina there?

Hey, gal pal, how's it going?

Great! It's exactly like modeling,

except for it's less cold and I get to talk.

How's schmidt?

He's not stress-eating paper towels again, is he?

No, everything's fine.

I'm supposed to see

a beverage guy,

but I can't find his address.

Seriously? I can come back and help.

No! It's fine.

It's just...

Schmidt has this color-coded system,