Rules of Engagement

- Thought you'd already left for work. - Well, the meeting got cancelled.

So I was hoping to schedule a meeting for us.

In the... boudoir.

Hmm.

I may have a little time to discuss some new business.

Hmm.

Let the minutes show the wife is up for it.

Hmm. Minutes, plural?

That'd be a nice change.

Please don't answer that.

Hello.

Meeting adjourned.

Really?

I'm... I'm so sorry.

Let me check with Jeff, and I'll get back to you.

That was Chrissy. She never got the knicks tickets

you promised her for her charity auction.

Oh, boy, uh, you'll never guess what happened.

You forgot?

Wow, first guess.

Look, she was really counting on that.

Can you still get 'em?

- When's the auction? - Tomorrow.

One day's notice?

You got to give me more time than that.

I asked you six weeks ago!

That's too much notice.

Ten days, that's your sweet spot.

Oh, my God.

What? What is that?

The form you said you would fill out.

This puts our baby on our insurance.

So excited.

God, I feel like a single mother.

Okay, just tell me, what can I do?

Anything.

Fill out a form, empty the dishwasher.

Make a dinner reservation.

Okay, I'll do it.

Do what?

What was the last one?

- Oh, God. - No, wait.

Dinner reservation, I'll make one of those.

What's that, uh, fancy new French place

you've been going on about?

- Dijon? - Boom!

Gonna make a reservation for us.

Yeah, well, it takes a month to get in there.

All right, then, write it down.

One month from today, you and I are going

to, uh...

Dijon.

That's the one!

I'll call and make a reservation.

It's happenin' right now.

So you never made the reservation?

No, I did not.

I meant to call,

but then my buddy texted me

with this sweet fantasy baseball trade.

So, how pissed was Audrey?

I mean, was she, like, yosemite Sam pissed?

Yeah, what was up with that guy?

I heard he was bipolar or something.

Yeah.

Look, obviously, I haven't told her yet.

Why?

Is anything obvious to you?

Because if Audrey doesn't know about it,

it's not a screwup yet.

Like when a tree falls in the forest.

If there's nobody there to hear it,

it doesn't make a noise.

Of course, it does.

How do you know,

if there was nobody there to hear it?

Well, because, Jeff, I mean...

You know, when, like...

Whoa.

Exactly.

Now, I still have a day

to try to get into that restaurant.

So the tree hasn't fallen yet.

Yeah, hey, I get that.

I don't get that.

ah.

Good morning, sir.

Why the toothy grin there, squanto?

No reason in particular.

Just go in your office.

Oh.

Is there a bee in there?

What? No.

'Cause there was a bee in there once, and it was not a good day for me.

I was not proud of how I reacted.

I assure you, there is no bee.

Just go in.

No bee.

Hey, ex-hubby.

Oh, yuck.

Come on, dude. Liz?

Why'd you let her in my office?

Because I take pleasure in your misery, sir.

Liz is such a nightmare.

What do you think?

Should I bang her?

Absolutely not.

Yeah, I'm on the fence too.

See, I promised myself

I'd only bang nines from now on.

And Liz is a three.

I'm being generous.

So, if we do it three times,

that would...

Crunch those numbers for me, Timmy.

Three times three is nine, sir.

It is? Ooh!

Hold my calls.

Okay, Liz, you're in luck.

'Cause I'm in a bit of a slump,

and, according to Timmy,

the numbers check out,

so let's do this.

Russell,

I'm here because I have something to tell you.

I am a sex addict.

Well, listen, if you gots to have it,

Then I gots to give it.

No, you're not hearing me, Russell.

I joined sex addicts anonymous.

And part of the program is apologizing

to those I wronged.

I'm not here to make love.

I'm here to talk.

Well, can we talk in-between?

'Cause we gots to do this three times

to make the numbers work.

Adam, everyone's heard of wedding cake.

Nobody's ever heard of wedding pie.

'Cause I am in the process of inventing it.

Okay, Tim, you go to a wedding, right?

It's dessert time.

Now, do you want

Boring old wedding cake?

Or do you want to break me off

a sweet slice of that wedding pie, bro?

He only wants pie so a pie fight will break out.

You can't have a table full of pies

and not expect a pie fight.

That's why I don't want pie!

God, sometimes I feel like

I'm marrying Larry, moe, and curly.

I'm sorry, who?

The three stooges.

Ah, yes.

I've heard of them,

but I've never seen any of their films.

Oh, my God, not even the one where they're plumbers,

and everything goes wrong?

No.

What about when they're in the old west,

and everything goes wrong?

Maybe I wasn't clear, Mr. Rhodes.

When I said I'd never seen any of their films,

I meant that.

Aw, T, that's it.

What's it? Oh, please don't.

Too late.

Tonight.

My house. It's stooge night.

I have no doubt about that, sir.

It got so bad that,

even in the short amount of time we were married,

I was unable to remain faithful.

Whoa.

So, uh...

Who's the guy?

Guy?

Singular?

How many were there?

Can you count 'em on one hand?

Well, yes,

if that one hand was holding a calculator.

Let's see, there was, um,

the guy who rents boats in the Park,

an assistant manager at Arby's,

and a couple of waiters.

Arby's doesn't have waiters.

No, I mean people literally waiting

for me and the assistant manager to finish.

- Oh, no. - I'm sorry.

I know now, from my sex addiction meetings,

that I was just trying to fill a void.

Did you have to fill it so many times?

Oh, really? You can give me a table?

Oh, my God, you may have just saved my marriage.

4:45 or 11:30?

At 4:45, will I still get the lunch prices?

Hello?

Hey.