BoJack Horseman

- -

I need to get as far away from Los Angeles as possible.

The handy ticketing screens are behind you and will provide all the answers you need.

-Can't you just help me? -Screen has all the answers.

I could really use some personal attention right now.

-Where did you want to go? -I need to leave tonight. Anywhere.

Uh, okay. Hanoi?

Vietnam! Yes, perfect! Thank you!

-Sh-should I punch it into that screen? -Uh-huh.

And say nice things about me. That screen's my supervisor.

- -I'm Peter Sagal. Don't wait, wait.

-Do answer your phone. -Stefani?

Hey, girl! Just checking up on that clickable content you were working on.

Listen, something came up, and I-- Where are you?

I'm doing a new, fully immersive, 3-D spin class.

Oh, you know what? I'm just biking.

-Oh. Well, I just landed in Vietnam... -

-Where is my content, Diane? -Um...

I need words for my website.

There are words on the website now, but I need younger words,

newer words, fresher words to feed the insatiable beast!

Okay, okay, I'll write something while I'm here.

-Love it! Feed that beast, girl! Bye! -

Number one: To reconnect with your ancestral roots.

As a born and raised American,

you never felt much connection to your Vietnamese heritage,

and your parents offered little to fill in the blanks.

G'aw! You call that a fastball?

With an arm like that, you're gonna get booted back to Triple-A, you skeezer!

-Dad, where are we from? -We're from Boston, dummy!

Why do you think I talk in this accurate, regional dialect?

I know that, but, I mean, what is our background?

Why do I look different from the other kids?

Ah, shove it up your rear, you jack-off.

You're just the same as anybody else, and don't let nobody tell you different.

I just thought you could give me a little cultural context,

what with you being a tenured professor of Vietnamese history at Tufts and all.

Christ, Deedee, that's my job.

I wouldn't ask you to have a period on your day off.

What? Dad, it-- Okay.

But you're here, finally.

And it's comforting to see your name everywhere

and so many faces, that look like your face.

-Ah! Oh. -

-Sorry, I don't-- I don't speak... -

-I don't... I don't understand you. -

Oh, is this who you were looking for?

-Ouch! -

I'm sorry.

It's more foreign than you expected, but that's good.

You want to truly immerse yourself and get the full non-LA experience.

- -Ooh!

Because sometimes, to find yourself,

you need to get as far away from the world you know--

-Coming through! Hot set! -Ah! Ah!

Movie lingo!

- Excuse me, hi. -

-What's going on here? -Oh, isn't it exciting?

Some American filmmakers are shooting a movie, starring Laura Linney!

It's about a recently-divorced woman who comes to Vietnam to find herself.

You came here to reconnect with your roots,

but now you feel stupid for even thinking that was possible.

You put on the clothing you bought, and... it... feels like a costume.

This is not your home. You're a tourist here.

Reason number two: you can be a tourist here!

- -

Can I have number two?

-Number two? -Ah. Yes.

Number two.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Sometimes, it's just nice to take a vacation

and forget about everything you left behind...

- -I'm Peter Sagal. Don't wait, wait.

- -Hello?

-Diane! -Hey, Mr. Peanutbutter.

Are you okay? You left my party without saying goodbye.

I was like, "Uh-oh, what happened to Diane?"

-Well-- -Then I got distracted

because Todd got his tongue stuck to the ice sculpture.

By the time we got him off,

his tongue was completely numb, which made him talk real funny.

-Mm-hmm. -Well, that got him in quite the situation

when the mob boss, at the roller rink,

thought he was making fun of his deaf sister.

I'm sorry, this is turning into a Todd story.

The point is, are you okay?

Oh, yeah, sorry.

I just had a plane to catch, so... I'm in Vietnam now...

-Whoa. -...but... I'll be back soon.

-Let me fetch you from the airport. -

Oh, that's okay. You don't want to deal with the traffic.

You know I love traffic.

I get to catch up on all those hilarious license plates I haven't read yet.

Okay. Thanks.

Great. Hey, I have to tell you...

I'm glad, I'm not still paying your phone bill

because this call must be costing a fortune!

Unless you remembered to call Ed for the international plan.

Of course I remembered to do that! But I have to hang up now.

Our conversation has reached a natural conclusion, goodbye.

- -Ugh.

Number three: because you're single now

and you can do whatever you want.

Isn't it great being single?

It sure is!

I love that we're mature enough to still be in each other's lives.

I know!

Other divorced couples can't handle it, but we're handling it, so well,

because we are better than them.

Are we the best divorced couple?

-I think we might be. -Yeah.

How are you doing with those divorce papers?

-It's been several weeks now-- Aah! -Hi, folks! I'm Pickles.

-Ooh! -Have you dined with us before?

-Yes. -Well...

the way it works around here is: you look at a menu,

pick what you want, I'll bring it to you, and then you pay at the end.

So, like, a restaurant.

-Ooh, sounds great. -Can I get you started with drinks?

Water would be great.

-Oh, my God, I love water. -Me, too!

-Uh-huh. -I'm 70 percent water!

-Okay. -Me, too! What are the odds?

So, two waters. Thank you.

So... Mr. Peanutbutter, the divorce papers.

-We need to-- Aah! -It's me again, the same dog as before.

-Do you know what you'd like to order? -Are you bringing our waters?

-No. I forgot. Food, though? -Hmm, what do you like here?

-No, why would you ask-- -Oh, I like everything.

In fact, at the end of my shift, I usually take everyone's leftover scraps

and put it in a trough and eat it up. Miam, miam, miam, miam!

-But don't mention that to my boss. -We won't.

But that does sound eclectic and delectable.

The trough of everything.

-Okay, and-- -Whoa, somebody's not hungry at all.

-No, I am! I'm very hungry! -

And I'll have the Cobb salad!

-Why do you keep humoring her? -She's fun.

You know, if we were still married,

this would probably be enough to spiral us off into a big argument,

that isn't even about the waitress, and we would fight all night.

But since we're not married, I can just be like, whatever.

-This is truly great. -So... great.

We are doing so great.

Although...

I do get lonely sometimes in that big house all by myself.

Hey, why don't you have a housewarming party?

-Eh... -Yeah!

Now that you don't have a mean wife who hates parties...

He-he, you can finally live it up.

Okay, but only if you come. Promise?

I'll come if you have those divorce papers.

-Aah! -Me again.

What did you order? I didn't write it down.

-The trough! -Oh!

He wants the trough!

Uh, xin... loi. Do you speak any English?

We... are... lost.

I actually speak all of the English.

-Oh! Your English... is very good. -I... am... American.

Yes. American. We... are.... from... America.

I... am... from America.

No. Me America. You Vietnam.

No. Me America.

-Me America! -Me America, too.

Me am also America.

Number four: To meet new people!

-Hell-oh, uh, I am with the movie. -

No Vietnamese, but I want a drink.

Beer?

Glug-glug?

Number five: Get out of your natural habitat.

We all work so hard to cultivate our homes,

but what are they other than a place to repeat negative patterns?

There. Last one.

And the first one.

I moved all this other stuff in while you were... stretching.

So much for helping.

Oh, did you need help deciding whether or not this place is a shithole?

Because help is on the way.

-It's a shithole. -I like it.

It's what I can afford and it makes me feel good to do it on my own.

When this place makes you too sad, you can always come over.

You'll have to say, "I'm a sad, sad girl with a terrible, dirty apartment,"

-but I'll let you crash. -This is my home and I am proud of it.

-Where did you get all this junk? -It's not junk!

I just emptied out my storage unit.

This is the stuff that cool, 20-something Diane had to put away

when she moved in with old man Peanutbutter.

Oh, can we finally talk shit about Mr. Peanutbutter?

Like how he has dog breath and leaves his hair all over,

or is this one of those scam jobs where I talk shit

and you nod along, then you two get back together

and you hate me because I told you how I felt?

When have you not told me how you felt? All you do is tell me how you really feel.

This place smells weird. I want to go home.

-I don't tell you everything. -You do.

There's literally nothing you haven't told me.

Well, did I tell you this place smells weird?