Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Sex *But Were Afraid to Ask

Well...

a most excellent feast!

- Hear, hear! - Very good!

Soon we will retire to the royal bedchamber.

But first, as I have been victorious this week in battle...

I wish to be amused. Bring me my fool.

Good evening, Your Majesty. It's great to be back at the palace.

You know what the palace is, 24 living rooms and a dungeon.

But seriously, I love the king. He's one of the strongest men here, isn't he?

He's the only one amongst us that can swim the moat lengthwise.

Cos...

I know you're out there, I can hear you breathing!

But seriously, ladies and germs, I wanna say that, er...

that plague is really something.

Doesn't everything look black?

Cos it's a... a black... a black plague!

Save it up and let me hear it at the end, big.

And I love the new exercise His Majesty does to keep in shape.

It's called taxing the peasants.

But seriously, the... the best... thing...

I can't stand it any longer! He's not funny!

I've cut men in half for making jokes as bad as that!

- But, sire... - Get me a fool who's funny!

Go on! The feast is over.

Not funny!

Come on! Out, out, out, out!

I do a couple of impressions that you might like.

I'm one of the few guys that can do the King of France.

Not his voice, his walk.

If you've ever noticed, he'll have that funny motion when he walks.

Don't everybody burst into spontaneous applause on this...

- Look where thou goest, fool! - Forgive me, I beg your puberty.

Thou hast dropped the royal rubies and emeralds!

I fain wouldst pick it up and pin it and fain well on thy fain.

- Aye, pin! - Yes, extend thy fain, madam.

- And on the knocker it hangs. Perfect. - Knock!

Didst I feel aright?

Or didst I feel that thy two hands did upon my royal body cop a feel?

Oh, madam, not I. I surely would never lay my hands on the royal tomatoes.

Tomatoes?

Hearken to me, if my husband the king and my son the doctor

walketh near upon these paved paths and heareth what thou sayest,

thy life would not be worth a plug nickel!

But so beautiful do they lay one on either side.

That's the way they were made, fool. Away with thee!

I fell on my bells!

TB or not TB?

That is the congestion.

Consumption be done about it?

Of cough. Of cough.

Oh, Jesus!

My jokes grow stale.

I would my life take for a bare bodkin.

If only I could see the queen's bare bodkin.

Or anybody's bare bodkin, for that matter.

Or a bodkin with a little clothes on it even.

I'm so melancholy.

Guildenstern and Rosencrantz are dead!

Their tailor shop is closed.

Felix!

- Who calls my name? - Felix!

No one knows I'm here. Not even my service.

I am the ghost of thy father.

My father...

You who died in childbirth.

I cannot rest

unless thee makes it with the queen.

But she is a queen and I am a base-born fool.

I can't screw above my station.

You must know, my son,

that thy uncle, my father,

poured hemlock in my ear.

Why?

Don't ask me why. He does that with everybody.

Whenever he sees an ear,

he likes to pour hemlock in it.

Oh, Father!

See the sorcerer, my son.

The sorcerer!

The sorcerer...

He's gone.

Do I dare sleep with the queen?

And will she sleep with me?

Although she sleeps with the king, and he wears leotards.

The sorcerer...

Ah, an aphrodisiac!

Do you want a soft one?

A strong one? Or one that will... hmm...?

I'd like anything I can get without a prescription.

Ha-ha-ha!

This, placed softly in the queen's drink,

will make her blood boil.

Her passion, unbridled, lustful.

- In other words... - The hots for me.

Exactly.

But be cautious.

For if His Majesty should get wind of thy intent,

he will cut off your legs,

your arms and your head.

Right... Five out of six is not bad.

Now go.

Yes, sir.

I think your eggs are done.

- Halt! Who goes there? - It's just the fool.

What business have you in the royal chamber?

I was just bringing Her Majesty her orange juice.

But why you? Where is her usual servant?

He lies ill on the kitchen floor with the pox.

A terrible pox all over his socks.

- Get thee hence, fool. - Yes, I'm getting hence. Immediately.

D'you like the way I fooled these guys?

Fool, what dost thou in my chamber?

Madam, I fell by for perchance you might like a drink, a nice, soothing potion.

Aye, well, I do confess a thirst. Bringst to me.

Yes. Wouldst grab some of this potion before the fizz goes out.

- Isn't it wonderful? - It bubbleth greatly.

Wolf some down, my lady.

Cheerst!

And Roebuck.

It go down bubblest, but it's fine.

Takest away.

Well, I have to go back now to the dungeon,

to get a deposit on the goblet.

Wait! Fool, come here.

I have o'er me this extraordinary warmth that is flowing through my veins,

that makes me wisht - nay, longst - thou should run amok over my entire body.

Make love to me now. Ravage me and take me now. Take me.

- It'll be my pleasure. - Take me to the bed. Make love to me.

- Yes. To the... To the bed. - Lead me there, fool.

- Yes, I am. - For this passion groweth within me.

- Right. Come quickly. - I cannot walk fast, fool.

- The passion is so great. - Right. To the bed.

Aye. Haste to the bed.

Right, over here.

Here.

The potion will be under the pillow.

In case you lose your hots, we can refurbish them.

- Aye. Comest o'er! - Oh, yes.

- Run thy hands upon my body. - I shall. I shall reline your brakes.

Aye. Mmm! Oh, God!

Nay, I needst the feel of naked flesh against flesh.

I'm all out of naked flesh. But will the velvet do?

- Kiss me quick. - Yes. Where is your quick?

- Shh. Canst undress me now? - I'm kissing my own arm!

Yes. Up quickly and I will remove the royal dress.

Oh, God... Mmm! Oh, God!

Takest off. Pullst not upon me so!

On thy feet, fool. This is not mockery. This is not games.

Ah! Oh, God...

At la...! What... What's this? Heavy underwear.

'Tis the chastity belt that the jealous king hath fastened on me

that no man but him shallst havest the goodst of the body.

That's a bad break for all of us here at the palace.

Yes... Yes... Wait! Wait here.

I will go.

Here, now, with most grievous dispatch, I will open the latch

and get to her snatch.

- Quickly. - Good, aye.

All right, hold that.

This key is too big for that lock.

J-J-Just move back.

Sorry about that.

I must think of something quickly.

Before you know it, the Renaissance will be here and we'll all be painting.

Her Majesty wishes to borrow this.

She has some food stuck between her teeth and I need to pull it out.

Forgive me...

Whoops!

No!

This is what they call beaver shooting.

I wouldst pick this lock.

- There. - We did it. It's done.

And now I am yours.

At last, the portals of ecstasy. You have got portals of ecstasy?

Be prepared! His Majesty has this day been awakened by a loud banging!

Be prepared! His Majesty has this day been awakened by a loud banging!

- He will cleave thee in twain. - Yes. Cleave me in twain.

Twain over here and the other twain on the other side of the room.

Aye, onst chopping block.

Yes. I do not look good in twain.

- My suits are made for a whole person. - I shall not have this passion fulfilled.

Well, quickly, lock up the... the thing that you have there. Lock the royal box!

Quickly! Quickly! Before...

- Help me. Help me. - I'mst helping, but...

Aye, 'tis done.

'Tis locked solid. More solid than any...

My hand! 'Tis caught in the chastity belt.

I always get my hand in the cookie jar, so to speak.

The king approaches. What canst we do?

- The king? - Aye!

Quickly! Into the dress immediately.

My queen! Where is my queen?

Very casual. As though nothing had happened.

Queen!

Oh, my queen, a most dreadful pounding did awaken me.

Making my mood most foul!

Oh, my lord didst startle me.