Black Books

Three 99s, please.

I'm staring. I'm staring at women.

It's the heat, all the dresses. It's driving me nuts.

It's very hot. Too hot. What's the temperature?

No, I'm not 12.

- No, go away! - Only trying to be nice.

Sorry, I'm tired. I haven't slept in a week.

My flat is suffocating.

- What's the temperature? - Stop asking that, will you?

- Mustn't stare. - You don't stare at me.

You're my oldest friend.

Anyway, you look like you just fell out of a tree.

Go home and get some rest.

I can't sleep there. It's like the walls are closing in on me.

Look at her.

I bet she washes her hair in streams and milks things.

She's not even sweating. Has she not glands?

Jesus, it's 81 degrees. 81!

- Don't block the frock. - But it might get to 88.

- And it can't. It can't! - Shut up and have a cold bath.

I should get a girlfriend before I turn into one of those freaks

- who just gawp at women. - Yeah, yeah. I'm gonna lie down.

Excuse me. Have you...?

- Oh. - One for you too.

- You know what we want? - We like different stuff.

You're going on holiday, you want trash but different trash -

you women want social themes, believable characters.

You want plots, suspense. This'll do you both.

This temp's 29, she can't get a boyfriend. Oh, my God.

- Sounds great. - No way.

And she's got 12 hours to stop a nuclear war.

- All right. - One each, then.

Get out. Women think you're my girlfriend. Go.

Just for a few hours. In my place I lie there writhing

and sticky and glistening...

Stop it! I'm getting a summer girlfriend till this wears off.

She'll be a summery girl, with hair

and summery friends who know how to be outside.

She'll play tennis and wear dresses and have bare feet.

And in the autumn I'll ditch her! Cos she's my summer girl.

Come on, get up! Go home! Get up!

- (Grumbles sleepily) - Bye-bye!

- (Crash) - (Shrieks)

88. What's the big deal? What happens to you?

- You don't wanna know. - I do.

- No, you don't. - Don't do that!

I want to know even more if you tell me I don't.

Trust me, you don't wanna know.

Well, you don't wanna know why I want to know.

- Oh? Why's that? - Ha! See?

- I have a condition. - What? What's it called?

Dave's syndrome.

You're making this up. It's like your fudge thing.

You have to eat lots because...

Stops me going deaf.

Yeah, and the other one. What... You only travel in vans.

No! The other way! Never let me be put in a van!

It's rubbish! Attention-seeking rubbish.

Hi. Do you have a book...?

Thank you.

Would you like a cool one? Lovely on a hot day.

Cool books?

Straight from the fridge.

Oh, thank you.

Ohhh...

Ohhhhh.

OK, if I told you that the walls of my flat

were actually moving in, would you think I was strange?

No, I'd ask you to come round and look after my small children.

If you don't believe me, come round and we'll watch the wall.

No, we'll be watching the thermometer. Won't we, Bernard?

It's an impossible choice - walls, thermometers...

I'll just have to hope when I flip the coin it explodes and kills me.

Fran! Hello. How's it going?

Might be a slight rent increase soon.

Price of light bulbs.

What's this - 2B? There was never a 2B...

This is a new door.

You have moved my bloody wall and put a room in.

You're funny, Fran! It's a Victorian house.

A lot of them were built with redouble perspective.

You might think a room's twice as big or small as it really is.

There was never a flat here.

It's the heat, love... playing tricks with your mind.

No, don't. That's rude, love.

Hello.

Oh, hi. Are you in 2A?

I'm in 2. There is no 2A.

Oh, come on. This flat's always been here.

Remember the Bracewells? And the Guptas?

Little Sanjay with his trumpet practice.

Mr Marchman, I meant to ask you to fix the peephole.

I can see into the flat from out here but I can't see out.

- It's weird. - Soon, love, soon.

Don't listen to him, he's making this up, this is a new room!

- She's a bit... - I am not a bit...

Would you like to have a coffee and talk about this?

Oh, yeah. Coffee that I spilt, you picked up with tweezers

and now you're gonna serve it to me.

OK, that was mad. But the rest is true.

- I want my flat back! - Girls, girls... girls.

You're both such lovely girls.

You'll be sharing sugar in no time.

Don't fight. And if you do,

fight nice with pillows and... jimjams.

The heating's on!

I want to see what happens to you at 88 degrees.

- Don't do that again. - You're making this up.

I will have no malingerers in my shop. Go and fetch my lolly.

It was the landlord.

He moved my wall and put in another flat

and now there is this woman in my space.

- What's she like? - Oh, you know the type.

They're all, "Helloooo," and "Hiiii."

She even asked me in for coffee. A really clever bitch.

I think you should get a lawyer.

Expensive. Get someone to pretend to be one.

Someone who's like a lawyer - arrogant, cruel, crooked,

a liar, a real bastard, that'd sort them out.

- No, I'm not doing it. - Oh, go on.

When you get a girlfriend, I'll give you a reference.

I'll lie for you, say you're OK.

All right. Deal.

Not so fast.

I represent Fran Katzenjammer from flat 2, she's my client,

and I'm a hotshot lawyer like on television.

- So what's the problem exactly? - My client's room is smaller.

It's illegal to steal space

under the European Act of Legislation which happens...

in a court.

Her room's the same as always. I've got the measurements.

- Don't evade the question. - Eh?

- Just answer the question! - What question?

Hmm? Oh. Sorry.

Where were you when the rooms were measured?

- I was... - Ha, ha, ha! Oh!

So where was the room?

2B's always been there, you can see for yourself.

Damn right, before I send this building downtown to the boys in the lab.

I'm sequestering these as evidence.

And I'm issuing you with a decree of... sub... ju... dae. Subjudae!

You are under a legal subjudae to stay there until...

Until such time as...

...Simon says, "Stand up".

- Hello? - All rise. Hello.

I am Bernard Black from Black Hingley &... Whoohoey Associates.

You're accused of space thievery.

- I've come to measure the room. - Why?

Don't kid around, sister,

you could spend the next 20 years in the electric chair.

But I've done nothing wrong.

How could you? Look at you.

You're a summer flower. Here, have a judge's bun.

Thank you. Come in. Look.

I don't understand her next door.

Oh, forget her. She's a mad bitch.

But I don't want to have to go to court.

Don't worry, I'll represent you.

Really, I wanted somewhere a bit bigger.

Maybe I'll just move.

Cos in the summer,

I like having a sense of light and airiness and space.

You know, like something Georgian.

That's incredible. Since you've been here it seems bigger.

Feng shui is nine-tenths of the law.

- What are you doing? - I'm literally jumping for joy.

This is gonna be the best summer yet. I love you.

- It is! - (Banging)

Bernard, you arsehole!

Er, I'll call, OK? I've got to go. Lengthy trial coming up,

I have to get wig extensions. OK? Bye.

You have no idea how easy it is

to get a girlfriend if you're me, which you're not.

- It's 84 degrees! - Relax, I got you a present.

The latest thing. It actually sucks out your body heat