Marvel's Ultimate Spider-Man

Welcome to the glamorous life

Of your favorite superhero.

"is he being sarcastic?" you ask.

Yes. Yes he is.

Normally I have it great.

Got the cool powers, the cool team,

The coolest life possible.

But today, ugh, I've got zero cash,

A grueling day of training ahead,

And--

And I'm soaked to my webs.

Ah, sometimes it just isn't fun to be me--

boring!

Focus your eyeholes on this, spudley.

A kung fu fiesta. Arriba-san!

Hiyah!

Hwah!

double wedgie achievement unlocked.

Dang skippy. Where are my manners?

Introductions.

Call me deadpool.

It rhymes with "no school," "too cool," "ain't no fool,"

And "I'm the best that there is at what I do--ool."

Moving on.

I'm on a mission to find the secret hq of taskmaster.

The big boss for these cheese clowns.

And nothin', but nothin', better get in my way.

What, like the dozen swords in your back?

I don't have swords in my--

Yuck. Gonna go hurl now.

Huh, that's gonna leave a mark.

Oh wait. No it isn't. I have a healing factor.

yay me!

'scuse me while I pull these pot stickers

Out of my spleen and knock some heads.

Deadpool, out.

Hey, where'd you guys go?

Spider-man stinks!

Aah!

it's ultimate deadpool!

Yeah. You got 'pooled.

Ha-cha.

ugh, p-u.

Hey, web-head.

Wow, you stink.

So I've heard.

It's like I've had a target on my back all day.

Last at training, first at bat.

Spider-sense tingle--uh-oh.

Ugh!

Not impressed. 20 minute course run.

everyone else take five.

Stupid robots.

Stupid shield training--aah!

Could this get any worse?

fury's stupid program was totally worth it.

I'm telling ya', stick with it

And bam, pow, shabang,

You too might someday defeat half the latverian army.

Like I did, as I'm sure you've heard.

Plus, I 'stached doctor doom.

You? 'stached doctor doom?

Check it.

I will crush you.

Crush. You. All!

Why are you laughing?

Do I have something on my face?

Deadpool!

I missed your laugh the most, tiger.

And I mean that for realsies.

Bff's, 'kay?

Ugh, anyone smell barbecued bug?

It's been kind of a rough day.

I'm-- extremely ripe!

Yeesh.

Here. Strong enough for a man, but made for a spider.

So you're fury's newest guppy.

Arachni-boy, right? Big fan, big fan.

I follow all your flops on "superhero fails."

Aah!

Ugh!

What?

ah, you are comedy gold, my friend.

Or at least comedy oatmeal. As for me, you already know,

I'm deadpool.

Superhero supreme with a side of bam.

Nice to see you kept my color scheme

When you copied my suit. Am I, like, your idol?

Never heard of you. I designed this costume myself.

Sure. Black and white eyes, red suit.

Though you made it your own with the crossword theme.

Oh wait. Webs! Those are webs.

No pouches though. You need pouches.

Which reminds me why I'm here.

Gotta' use the little boys' computer.

Someone explain. Now.

not nova.

Deadpool used to train with us.

He left fury's hero program right before you got here.

He follows his own drummer.

And man, his drummer drums loud.

Now he's living the dream.

A freelance hero.

Fun, freedom, and fighting crime however he wants.

Deadpool is the best. The best.

Everybody loves him.

Everybody? Even fury?

if I had a son, I'd want him to be just like you.

Here, have an eye-patch.

It's true. Nick totally adopted me.

I have papers. And the eye patch.

I wear it under my mask.

How are you in my head?

Maybe I'm not.

You're in my head.

Am I blowing your mind yet?

Why the alumni visit, deadpool?

Long story short, this bad dude, agent macguffin,

Swiped encrypted shield files with the secret identities

Of every known hero. Including mine!

And yours. And hers.

And his. And his. And his.

That's huge.

We should be on that case. Why didn't fury tell us?

Word is that fury left his shield tablet

In a hotel bathroom.

So you can see why he'd want to be discrete.

Now, see I agreed to help even though fury and me

Don't always see eye to eye.

Now, do you get that?

Eye to eye? Eye to eye!

Hm, get it?

Yeah, I do eye jokes too.

Plus, you know how busy fury is.

I'm sure he's doing something important

As we speak.

Deadpool.

Gotcha.

Well, since I've got all the info I need

About agent macguffin, that creep,

I figure it's time to get back to all the fun of being me.

Spider-man, back to training.

I got 20 new shield-bots with your name on 'em.

Here's a thought, how about I come with you?

Shadow the old spidey?

The first deadpool.

Yeah, whatever. This macguffin thing is serious.

And hero graduate or other,

I think you could use some backup.

And, to be honest, at this exact moment

Your life sounds way cooler than mine.

Ah, you seek to learn from the master.

Today, you become a man.

A spider-man.

See ya, peeps.

whoa!

Spidey's about to get 'pooled.

Is deadpool here? Did he take anything?

you've got to be kidding me.

You have your own personal jet?

Yup. It was a present from one tony stark.

He never gave me a jet.

Seriously, from one super dude to another,

What's your secret?

Origin story time!

Yeah!

ever since I can remember,

I've always been a fighter.

how am I in your origin story?

don't question greatness.

It was like genetic engineering or whatever.

I didn't pay attention in social studies.

I was a normal baby for 30 seconds.

Then ninjas stole my mama.

Nick fury saw my awesome, took me in,

Suckled me on the sweet milk of justice.

Um, ew?

You're a good listener. I like you.

Some advice, ditch fury. Go freelance, like me.

No rules, more fun and money.

Lotsa' money.

Wait. You get paid?

I get zapped by robots, and you get paid.

Freelance hero sounds pretty good.

Uh-oh! Dots.

aah, jetpacks! Jinx.

As I suspected.

Agent macguffin is selling shield secrets

To evil forces of evil. I have a plan.

Plan?

Improvisation. It's my jam.

Aah!

Oh, a screaming contest. Aah!

Told ya' I had a plan.

la, la, la, la.

Easy come, easy go.

I rhymed.

So weird.

These guys look a lot like taskmaster.

bad dude.