Movie 43

- Good. Are you on? - Yeah, we're ready.

My name is Calvin Cutler.

What you're about to witness is the most badass,

fucked-up thing you'll ever see.

We call this the "Bull's Eye."

Oh, yeah. Don't try this at home.

You're good? You ready, buddy? All right. Right, ready?

1... 2... 3!

Tell me we got it. Just...

Did we? No! No way, we got it! No fucking way, dude!

- We got it! We got it! We got... - Oh, shit!

Look at that! Look at that! Dude. Bull's eye, bro!

Awesome!

We're putting it on YouTube! Let's go! Yeah!

Dude, we got a view!

Yeah, buddy, that was us when we uploaded it.

Well, then upload it again so we can have two views.

I-I don't think that's how it works.

- Hit "refresh," dude. - Oh, yeah.

- No way. - That can't be right.

- Do me a favor. - I just refreshed it.

Let's see if it pulls up.

No way. 25,000 views, man!

500,000!

- 1 million? Yes! - You're too money!

- I told you we're gonna be famous. - We're gonna be famous and...

April fools, suckers!

I took the liberty of cloning YouTube and hyper-inflating your views.

...You... You little shit!

Did you just try to hit me through your computer screen?

Yeah, I did!

Why don't you come in here so I can hit you like a real man, pussy!

Working on my science project. Enjoy your page views.

God, he's such a little spaz!

- We need revenge. - We do.

- We need to April fools prank him. - Yeah!

- Hit him where it hurts. - Square in his balls.

No! We gotta do something better.

We steal his computer and load it full of viruses.

- Wait, where do we get viruses? - Uh, duh! Porn sites.

Why do you think my computer's so slow? It's full of 'em.

Oh, okay, but how-how do we get his laptop if it's in his room?

We can't just-just kick in the door and steal it.

How do you lure a dragon out of a lion's den?

I don't know.

- You present him with a challenge. - Challenge?

A challenge. Jus... Follow my lead.

- Baxter! Baxter, my man! - What?

Uh, me and J.J., we have this computer problem.

There's this movie on the Internet and we can't find it.

Can you help us?

You're trying to get back at me for that prank, right?

No! Truce! Truce. Seriously, we just, uh...

we need to find it, uh, before the FBI takes it down.

You said the FBI?

- Fucking FBI, the CIA... - The CSI, NCIS...

I mean, this video is so illegal,

it has been banned by every country in the world.

Including Amsterdam.

Where you could slap a cop in the face with your penis,

and they'd say, "danka."

Amsterdam is not a country!

- Amsterdam's not a country? - Since when?

The shit's still banned there, dude.

Yeah. Think about it. They... It's- It's like it's the-the-the fucking...

It's the most dangerous film in the world.

- It is. - What's it called?

Actually, you know what, Baxter? You're right.

It was an April Fool's prank.

I'm sorry we brought you into this.

You know, you should probably just...

go on with your life and never think about this again. Please.

Wait.

- What's so bad about it? - You don't wanna know.

What's so bad about it?

Hey, slim! What's so bad about it?

- It can kill you. - How?

It can make you shit out your intestines.

It can make you bleed out of your eyes.

You know, one guy saw it,

and he ran into a church, and he just started humping the nuns.

That was a huge story a few years back.

It can make you pull off your own dick.

Okay, why would you want to watch it...

if it can make you pull off your own dick?

Because...

if you can watch it all the way through from the beginning to end,

you're rewarded beyond your wildest dreams.

With money. And sex. And women.

It's like that movie The Ring, but with a good ending.

- Yeah. And boobs. - Lots of boobs.

So what's this movie called?

Movie.

- 43. - Movie 43.

It's not on Zwoogle.

Yeah, of course it's not on Zwoogle. It's banned!

Okay. Then I guess we'll need to dig deeper.

Visit some dark corners of the Internet.

Mm, yeah, the dark corners, dude.

Yeah, get in there. We gotta find this thing.

I found a cloaked server that houses banned videos.

Start out with the 43rd one on the list. Sound good?

Yes! Yeah, you guys keep working on this.

I'm gonna go guard the door for the uh, FBI,

the CIA, and Mom.

Look at this. Check it out.

Hey. Ooh! You look good.

Hope you're almost ready. He's gonna be here any second.

I don't know why I'm doing this, Pam. I don't trust Julie.

- I mean, what if this guy's a loser? - He's not a loser.

He made senior partner at his law firm by the time he was,

like, 28.

So all he cares about is his career and money.

Mm, not according to Julie. He's a volunteer with the Special Olympics,

he's on the board of the New York Philharmonic...

He's opening a new restaurant with Derek Jeter!

But he's probably got one of those awkward character faces...

that sort of really has to grow on you, right?

Mr. "Character Face" is on the cover of Gotham Magazine.

- That's him? - That's him.

Yeah.

And he's here. Go.

- Do I look okay? - Gorgeous.

- You sure? - Have fun!

Bye!

- I mean, you gotta be kidding. - Several of them.

I'm telling you, don't knock shopping on TV until you've tried it.

Beth, I think-I think you're the first person I've ever met...

who actually buys stuff off television.

- No! Come on! - No, it's true.

Oh, well where do you think I got this scarf?

And you know what? I bet it's softer than yours.

Okay. See, that's where I draw the line.

Do not start putting down the scarf.

Here. Feel this. 100 percent pashmina.

Well, at least that's what the guy on the street told me.

Come on, then. Wow, that is soft. Well, you know, l...

Hey, Mr. H. Table's ready, sir.

Great.

- I'll take those. - Thank you.

- Please. - Our table's ready.

Thank you.

After you.

So, um, Carrie tells me you design clothes for kids. No?

Yes. Clothes for kids. I design...

clothes... for kids. Kids clothes.

Awesome. Awesome.

So, if I see some kids looking weird this summer, it may be your fault, huh?

I'm just joking. I'm just joking.

Your Russian Standard Vodka, sir.

Am I that predictable, Abby?

Eh... Yeah, you good with that? Or would you prefer a glass of wine or?

No. No, I c-I could, use it.

Thank you.

So, here's to a, Here's to a wonderful evening. Cheers.

Cheers.

Those Russians know something.

This is... a nice place.

Oh, it's great. This pl... Oh, you gotta check out the ceiling.

Those beams were taken out...

of this old Quaker meetinghouse out in rural Pennsylvania.

I mean, look. It's all oak. Isn't that something? It's gorgeous, huh?

Oh, wow, Jake. What's this?

Well, Mr. H, this is a vichyssoise courtesy of Chef Billy.

Now, he heard that you guys were coming in tonight,

so he's put together a special 4-course meal for you.

Lobster okay tonight?

That's okay with me if it's okay with you,

un-unless you wanna check out the menu.

Beth? Unless you wanna check out the menu, or?

- No, that's sounds lovely. - Right.

Terrific.

Please thank the chef. Thank you.

Bon Appetit.

Oh, you've, got something on your...

Something on my neck? Leave it to me to embarrass myself on a first date.

Here...

There? There? I got it?

A little bit... bit more on-on the left b-ball... One.

Uh, left side. Of... Dribbly bit. O

Thanks. I mean, no biggie. Trust me, I've been through worse. I mean, as...

As a kid, I used to get made fun of all the time.

Was it, because of your...

My stutter. I-I used to have a really bad stutter.

Actually took probably 9 years of speech therapy to get rid of it.

So, was there anything else they... may have made fun of?

- I don't know. - Anything at all?

Oh, yeah, some kids used to talk a little smack about my neck.

- You know. - Oh, thank God!

- What's up? - I thought I was going crazy. I...

What?

I mean... not a big deal... at all.

It's just, what is the story there?

Well, when I was 6, I fell off my bike and I landed on a sprinkler head...

and they had to stitch me up at the hospital.

See, it's, it's just a scar. Right?

I mean, kids could be mean. They used to call me Frankenstein.

They're like, "He's alive. He's alive!"

Well, I don't care, you know. Kids make fun of everything, right?

Is it just me or did it suddenly get a little chilly in here?