King of the Hill

Uhh. I'm running behind for my Booster Club meeting.

Now, I'll probably have to sit at the wobbly table.

Hello?

Well, Substitute Teacher of the Year Peggy Hill.

Uh-huh, go on...

The high school?

Teaching? Me?

Wait, who is this really?

Really?

Today, yes, of course!

Oh, no, no... thank you!

Guess who is subbing for high school geometry teacher Tammy Charbonneau

while she takes an eight-week doctor-ordered bedrest maternity leave?

Me, Peggy Hill!

That was going to be my guess, exactly!

This is the major leagues, Hank.

The Bigs, the Show.

Oh, my God...

eight weeks, do you know what this means?

It means that I have a pretty good chance

of actually learning their names!

Everything's happening so fast!

It's beautiful, isn't it?

Hmm, Tammy Charbonneau.

Peggy Hill.

Excusame,

Senora Miriam Caney?

"Me lamo" Peggy Hill.

I have followed your career with such interest.

Seventeen years teaching high school "Espanol."

You have never once gotten sick.

Or if you have gotten sick, you have never called in sick.

Either way, I am subbing geometry.

Well, bienvenidos a Arlen High!

My, what lovely spectacles.

The better to see promising new talent with.

- (laughter) Oh.

MAN (on TV): Number 33

David Kaliiki-Alii, the Flyin' Hawaiian!

He says aloha to the end zone and aloha

to the Temple Tigers.

It means both hello and good-bye.

My wife is Polynesian.

Arlen High is unstoppable!

All right!

Ah, first order of Booster Club business,

how's the programs coming for next week's games, Terrell?

As you all know, the money from the programs

help pay for the cheerleaders' shoes.

Every business owner here

has taken out ad space in this week's program

except Dale Gribble of Dale's Dead Bug.

My secretary messed up again?

She is so fired.

...and the man walked around the world and said to the king,

"Sir, I come from France."

Circumference!

You see?

- (chuckles) - (door opens)

Hey, dude.

And you must be David Kaliiki-Alii.

Ah, yup. I guess you might have heard of me.

Hey, how's it going?

Well, yes, you are the person who did not answer "present"

when I took roll 28 minutes ago.

Okay, I see from Ms. Charbonneau's notes that you all have some homework due.

So, I'll start with you, David.

Uh, I didn't do it.

I'll just... I'll take a "C" or a "B" or whatever.

I am not going to tell you how to do your job.

Peggy!

Hurry up and sit down before the PE coaches get here.

Oh, it gets in your clothes.

So, how's your day going?

Glorious.

Although, can I ask you if you know a student named David Kaliiki-Alii?

The Flyin' Hawaiian?

He runs the 40 in 4.5.

Yes, anyway, I checked David's records,

and he has a "B-plus" average overall,

but he seems to have trouble applying himself in geometry.

Marlon Atwater, Assistant Drivers Ed-slash-Health.

Peggy, David is our star fullback.

He doesn't have a lot of time to study so we cut him some slack.

At Tom Landry Middle School, we would never think

of extending special privileges to the athletes.

Peggy, this isn't middle school.

This is real life.

We've got college football scouts at our games,

and they're not coming to watch David draw a triangle.

Oh, don't worry, Peggy.

David Kaliiki-Alii is unteachable anyway.

Unteachable?

I spent six weeks in Health trying to get him to brush up and down...

He's like a wall.

...and he continued to sleep peacefully.

It was pure chaos.

Well, how about that.

Your first day on campus, and you already met David Kaliiki-Alii!

He's the Flyin' Hawaiian!

Mmm, if I were two years younger...

Well, first, he is your age,

and second, David is considered a special case.

They call him "unteachable."

Well, he can't be good at everything.

Well, you'd be surprised, Bobby.

He plays offense, defense, and returns punts.

Well, it looks like Luanne isn't the only one with a crush on David.

But you know what? He's just another student to me,

no different from the nerds or the suck-ups.

And I have decided to give that boy the high school education he deserves.

- So, it may only be a theory... - (school bell ringing)

...but it will, in fact, be on next week's mid-term.

You get it?

Oh. Oh! Oh, wait. David. Honey, can you spare a moment?

I wanted to talk to you about your classwork.

I have noticed that you have a zero grade.

You have no homework points and no participation points.

- Uh-huh. - I would like to tutor you after class.

I have football practice after class.

Oh.

How about geometry practice after that?

With a playbook by "Coach" Peggy Hill?

Umm... okay.

Oh, and David...

I'm glad we got to rap.

Yoo-hoo, David!

David.

- (engine starts) - David!

David! David!

- David! David! - Huh?

David!

You forgot your notes.

You know, you run fast.

PEGGY (screaming): Stop!

- (school bell ringing) - Okay, please hand in your mid-terms.

David, I just want to say that it has been a pleasure educating you.

I think I have learned just as much from you

as you have from me.

Well...

Okay.

Uh, okay.

A quarter-inch to the left...

an eighth-inch back to the right...

- No, no, an eighth... Hank!

We just lost our star fullback!

What? What happened?

Peggy Hill happened.

"No pass, no play"!

She flunked David.

Now he's out for three weeks academic suspension.

Do you know what happens in those three weeks?

San Marcos, Belton, McMaynerbury.

McMaynerbury, Hank!

Now, hold on.

I'm sure it was just an accident.

No, Hank... this is an accident.

- (grunts) - (clattering)

Now you got two messes to clean up!

How could you flunk the Flyin' Hawaiian?

Haven't you ever heard of "No pass, no play"?

Do not try to pin all of this on me.

I only did the "No pass."

What happens after that is none of my business.

I want you to change his grade.

If I were to give David a passing grade,

that would be a failure on my part,

and I am not failing.

I am doing "A" work.

This is crunch time.

We're going up against San Marcos, Belton and McMaynerbury.

McMaynerbury!

We need him to go to State.

Well, I am sorry, Hank,

but teaching high school is my going to State.

Uh, no offense, Peggy,

but I don't see anybody renting buses to go to your State.

Hey, guys.

You know, the strangest thing happened today.

A giant rat crawled into my "in" box and died.