President Curtis

Hey! Too far! It's ominous down there!

So go get it ominously!

It's okay, little girl. We'll take it from here.

Actually, we'll take it from here.

Actually, we'll take it from here.

Gentlemen! We'll take it from here.

Who's that? What did he say?

He's FBI! He says he'll take it from here!

He can say that all he wants,

but we tend to take it from here.

- Every time. - Not this time.

Wait, Troy, what the hell?

Sorry, Bob. I've always been MIB.

Yes, but you've never been Majestic Level.

- Hank, what the hell? - Sorry, Tyler.

Okay. Wow. I guess you guys are taking it from here.

You think I'm taking anything from anywhere

with this guy ever again?

Good point. Why don't you two pricks

just take everything from everywhere?

What do you think?

You want to take it from here? With me?

My whole life, I've been taking things from places.

Today it's from here,

tomorrow it'll be God knows what

from God knows where.

Just once, I'd like to give it from here,

to someone who can take it anywhere...

That's beautiful, gentlemen, but unnecessary.

Troy. Bob. Hank. Tyler.

- Yes, sir. - Mister President. Sir.

- We'll take it from here. - Is that the President?

I-I can't hear anything that's going on.

We thought we were taking it from here...

My partner of 15 years just revealed,

- but the President is! - they're a stranger!

I refuse to take this personally,

but I will never trust anyone again!

I couldn't parse most of that,

so I'm assuming the Coast Guard is taking it from here?

- No! - Okay!

That's all you had to say!

God-uh!

How does the Loch Ness Monster

wash up in Miami wearing a prison jumpsuit?

Is Scotland exporting insanity

and doesn't Florida have a surplus?

That jumpsuit isn't from a normal prison.

It's from The Triangle,

America's secret maximum security prison

at the heart of the Bermuda Triangle.

We have a paranormal Guantanamo?

Well, we can't put a ghost in a regular prison, Banks.

Because they would love it.

Because they'd walk through the walls.

Unless they were ghost walls.

Oh, and you don't think they'd love that?

The Triangle is supposed to be a sealed box.

But pointier. With less sides.

This is the fourth escape in three years.

Hm. It's almost like a sealed,

pointy box full of bad stuff eventually erupts.

They should invent a name for that.

Lava pyramid.

Our monster prison isn't leaking monsters

because of chaos theory, dorkatron.

All of these escapees have happened under one warden.

And look at this... Every single escapee

was registered in the prison logs as deceased

before they could have possibly escaped.

They're getting help from the inside.

Corrupt guards?

Or you think it goes all the way up to the warden?

I don't get paid to think.

I mean, I do a little, but I get results through action.

It's time the Triangle got a surprise inspection.

Marine style. White gloves and armored boots.

With fine-toothed combs on the toes of the boots.

3D-printed to fit the insides of asses.

I am so pumped for this.

Good, because you're going in undercover.

- As an inmate. - Wait, what?... Sir?

It does makes sense to go in from the top and the bottom.

We'd never know which guards are corrupt

by asking a warden that's complicit or oblivious.

You're a man I can trust, and, as a half-leprechaun,

you'd be fast-tracked to the Triangle.

I'm a man you can trust because I hate that I'm half-leprechaun.

I literally never lie.

I can't pretend to be a criminal.

Who says you'd be pretending, you fancy,

gold-sucking, rainbow-loving piece of shit?

- Sir. - No. No.

I know what you're doing.

I stole yer lucky charms, me boy!

What... what is happening?

He's trying to goad me into assaulting him

by saying lepre-phobic shit, which makes zero sense

because I'm already ashamed of my paranormal ethnicity.

You love your mother.

Damn! Can't believe I got put next to the guy

who assaulted the President with a stapler.

What'd they get you for?

Eh, lured some schoolgirls into the woods,

made 'em stab each other.

But they got me on tax evasion.

Sorry, I-I gotta sit down.

Actually kind of excited, sir.

It's my first recon mission.

And based on our recent field work,

I've adopted a more versatile system of safety protocols.

Don't nerf yourself for my sake, Banks.

I do dangerous work, and I need dangerous people on my team.

Whew!

Faster than a velociraptor, but still slower than a baby yeti.

Also, how dangerous do you really want your people?

Our country has a secret detention center for freaks,

and your only problem is that sometimes they get out.

It's not a prison for quirky X-Men

and sexy scissorhands, Banks.

It's the only place capable of housing literal monsters

that commit actual crimes.

So I should be a dangerous freak but never a criminal monster.

- And the difference is? - You're on my team.

Mr. President!

We're entering the Triangle's outer fringe!

This is as far as Air Force One can go.

What? But we're still in the air.

Yep. Time to change planes.

Deploying umbilical!

Secured and ready for passengers!

Hello, Mister President!

Welcome aboard!

Thanks for the assist, Amelia.

Wait, Amelia? As in Earhart?

- The one and only, doll face. - Ooh!

She's the only pilot that can navigate the Bermuda Triangle.

FDR's people found her here flying in circles,

so they put her in charge of Triangle transit.

Classic FDR, just giving out jobs.

Then Truman gave me these babies!

Yes!

So... she can never land?

Wouldn't want to, kid! Love flying.

Landing? That's for cars!

- Uhh... - We're here!

Here, put this on. We parachute from here.

Okay, fun. Huge fan.

Thank you for all you've done for Americans.

And women. And lesbians.

You're welcome!

Wait, people are still doing labels?

Whoo-hoo!

Alright, Banks, no matter what this guy says or does,

remember we're not here to make friends.

Mister President. Warden Ken Jeffries.

Save the pleasantries, Warden.

I'm here for a full inspection.

Loud and clear, sir.

That's how we did it in the Marines.

You're a Marine?

Three-Eight, Camp Lawson, Okinawa.

- Oo-rah! - Oo-rah!

- Oo-rah! - Oo-rah!

- Oo-rah! - Oo-rah!

- Oo-rah! - Yeah!

Oooooo-rah!

Um, guys?

My office is this way. Want to march?

I was just gonna say!

I don't know what I've been told!

I've been told what I've been told!

Spirits! Aliens!

Mutants and Goo-gas!

Welcome to The Triangle!

You are here because you have haunted, morphed,

doppelganged, eaten, or maliciously laid eggs

in the greatest country on Earth.

Your kingdom is a fleeting dream.

If death cannot contain me, how will you?

I am Dracu...

Well, in here, you are Prisoner 7-5-6-2.

If you open your mouth, we will shut it.

If you extend a second, telescoping mouth,

we will teleport you into solid rock.

I don't want to hear a single villain monologue

from you worms or a single worm monologue from you villains.

From here on out, your ass, ovipositor, pellet tube,

fecal portal, or possessed car trunk

belongs to me!

Triangle mint on a triangle tray?

- Thanks. - I'm good.

I know what you're thinking... "That's a pretty pointy shape

to base an entire prison's interior decor around."

But half of these animals have razor-sharp bones,

and the other half can suck your soul through your nostrils,

so why use a plastic butter knife, right?

I'm mostly worried about the very large,

triangular trophy displayed on that remarkably high shelf.

Ah! You're thinking if there's a big riot