Louie

* Louie, Louie, Louie, Louie *

* Louie, Louie, Louie Louaaa *

* Louie, Louie, Louie, Louie *

* Louie, Louie you're gonna die *

* Louie, Louie, Louie Louie... **

One time I was jerking off--

This is another-- this is another aging thing.

I was jerking off

and I looked at my penis and it was blurry

because my eyes... are going.

So I can't--

Because you're suppose to get reading glasses when you--

when this becomes blurry

and that's exactly...

That's the precise fixed length.

And so it's blurry now,

so I gotta go get reading glasses

and I have to--

Hmm...

So I had to go to the drug store and buy reading glasses...

and I felt weird, like,

"She knows I'm jerking off with these."

Like, she's just looking at me like,

"You ain't reading shit, you dirty old..."

Anyway, so I got reading glasses

and I looked at it and it was still blurry.

So I don't think it's my eyes.

I think my dick is getting blurry.

I think I've actually...

But here's the good news-- I am getting older

but I also have more money than I used to have

so I'm gonna get a new-- I'm gonna upgrade my dick.

I'm gonna get a new dick.

I'm amazed that I haven't heard about that.

Like, that rich old guys--

Why aren't they getting new dicks ?

'Cause with the amount of money poured into people's tits

and their faces,

how are old, rich, asshole guys--

"I'm getting a new one!"

On the golf course, "Getting my new dick on Wednesday."

And it just-- and I don't mean like a synthetic kind of

transvestite kind of pink pea pod Frankenstein...

grafted-off-your-leg dick.

I mean some dead kid's dick on your body.

Like a new...

"Happy ending to a sad story" on your body.

'Cause that's-- I wanna get on that list now.

The next time some

22-year-old Puerto Rican track star...

gets hit by a bus,

I get his dick right here,

his beautiful, shiny, brown dick on my body, next to--

'Cause I'm keeping the old one.

I'm gonna have...

I'm gonna have both for awhile.

Like when they had-- they were building the new Yankee Stadium

and the old one was still there,

that's gonna be what this is like.

I can't...

"Parking of vehicles only authorized." I mean...

Only author--

Okay, "Parking permitted anytime after midnight."

Yeah, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Is it after midnight right now or is it before ?

It's before midnight right now.

Yeah, but it's also after.

I gotta go, I gotta...

Hi. Hey, hi.

Hi. Hi.

Uh, nightmare.

Yeah ? Yeah, total nightmare.

Just everybody screaming at each other

and nobody listening to me.

The meeting goes on for two hours-- nothing gets done.

And then that cooz Lisa started her shit with me again.

Shit, really? Yeah.

Oh, God! She was just stupid.

I'd like her but she's faking it to make me sweat.

You should just quit that job.

What kind of a thing is that to say to me?

Sorry.

Say that to me, I should quit my job.

You should quit your job. I like my job.

Anyway, I'm having lunch with George tomorrow

and even though I hate to use my connection with him for...

Thank you.

Did you already eat? Is this dessert?

No, no...

Never mind.

Let's not have the food talk.

So you have the kids this weekend?

No, they're with Janet.

Shows?

Just a couple at the Cellar.

All right, well, let's get together during the day.

Sure.

Okay, what is up?

Nothing. You look weird.

We'll hang out-- we'll hang out during the day.

That's fine.

Okay, Louie, if you're gonna sit there

and pretend like nothing's wrong,

you're gonna drive me crazy.

Look, you're doing your mouthy things.

You're trying not to say something.

I'm not-- you know what, I'm--

I'm just tired.

No, you're not acting tired.

You're acting sort of tense and...

Oh, God, why-- why does it have to be like this?

What is this, a game of relationship charades?

What is on your mind?

Y'know, nothing, there's nothing...

Okay, well, I know it's about me, I know that.

Why do you think you know that?

Because you have zero problem telling me anything

that's wrong with you,

except when it's about me... right?

And then I've gotta drag it out of you.

Something is wrong, right?

Right. Mouth.

Okay, let's see, um...

you are depressed.

You feel like I'm pushing too hard.

You are scared of going to

my mom's house for Thanksgiving.

You just wanna break up with me and...

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God, are you breaking up with me?

No, that's-- no, that's craz--

Oh, my God, Louie...

you're breaking up with me.

You can't break up with me.

You can't break up with me.

I'm not.

But why-- what?

You can't break up with me because...

Well, I'm not anything to you.

We're not anything, we're nothing, y'know?

We've been nothing for six months.

I haven't even met your kids.

Yeah, but that's--

I'm just trying to be really careful with them, because--

Please, we're not talking about that.

Louie...

Oh, my God.

Okay.

Okay, let's just-- we're gonna...

Oh, my...

Oh, my God!

Okay, all right, just do it.

Just-- let's just-- let's just say it.

What?

Just break up with me, okay?

Just-- April--

Just say it so that we can be done with it.

Okay, I like you, you're a good guy.

I have no regrets, but you could only do...

y'know, this much

and now you can't do it anymore

so you should just say the words and we'll move on.

Please don't eat that ice cream right now.

Okay, here we go, let's hear it.

April, I'm not breaking up with you; I'm just tired.

Oh, Jesus.

You're gonna make me do it, aren't you?

This is amazing.

You're gonna make me break up with myself.

That's not what-- I-- I--

I'm gonna make it really easy for you, okay?

This is how it's gonna work.

I am gonna say to you,

"We should not be together anymore,"

and then after I say that, you just sit here.

You don't say anything... But I'm not--

...for, like, 17 seconds, okay?

Just sit in silence

and then we'll be done with it.

I'm not-- Here we go.

We shouldn't be together anymore.

Okay, good job, we're done.

I...

They made very nice tender whole chicken for you.

Thank you. You're a doll.

Here, why don't you eat this salad

when you're done with your ice cream.

Hey! Yeah.

Hey, hey, hey, that's...

That's my car. Okay.

Well, I gotta get it out of there.

Well, we're working.

But I didn't-- it didn't say you--

You didn't say you guys were gonna be doing all of that.

Well, you shouldn't have parked there. What...

What the hell are you guys doing, anyway?

I don't know.

Can you...

Hi. Hi.

You looking to buy a bike? Oh, no, no.

No? Just, uh...