Senseless

Good afternoon, freshmen,

freshwomen and, uh, people of freshness.

Welcome to Stratford University's freshman orientation.

I'm your tour guide, Darryl Witherspoon.

I got another tour group in about a half hour, so let's get to tourin'.

Come on. Come on. Speed walk. Speed walk.

It's good for your soul. That's it. You got it.

So, as an economics major,

this is where I spend the majority of my time.

And thanks to Stratford University's top-notch financial aid program...

Bullshit... I spend the rest of my time giving tours, working food services...

and delivering campus mail.

Now, this package has brought us to the administration building.

And here, encased in this glass... No, it's not Superfly's pimp cane.

This is the Truman Scepter. This next package will be taking us...

to the neuropsychology building.

Let's go. Neuropsychology. Let's go.

- Let's go. Here you go. - Hold that for me. Thanks, baby.

Hey, we're gonna stop over at the cafeteria and bust a little suds.

Girls wash. Guys dry. Whoo!

And here we have Stratford University's prizewinning...

neuropsychology department.

Oh, I just wanted to thank you all for helping me out with my campus maintenance duties.

I think it's a beautiful thing. But remember,

plastic goes in the blue, paper in the green.

Be back in a jiff. Whoo!

Hello?

Dr. Wheedon? Got a package for you.

Um, right there's fine.

Thank you.

Wow. That little fellow glows in the dark, huh?

I wish the ones at my mom's house would glow in the dark.

Um...

Thank you.

There's a building, building, building.

That building's old. That building got windows.

And here we are, back at Albert Lovett Library.

And that, my friends, is the end of your tour.

And the beginning of yours. Welcome.

Gaining 13 and three quarters, utilities up about a fifth of a point.

- And the big-board composite up.6 and 45236.

- There were over 115 million shares traded on the big board.

- Yeah. - Hi. Darryl?

Hey, Ma. How you doin'?

Oh, same old, same old. Blase, blase.

The kids are drivin' me crazy, stove don't work and the roaches are gettin' attitude.

So, when do you start your new job on Wall Street?

Well, I don't exactly have the job.

There's a lot of competition for that Smythe-Bates job.

My oldest son is gonna starve.

- I'm not going to starve. - How are you gonna pay your tuition?

Ma, I'll just get another job, okay?

Well, you know, I didn't want to say anything,

but they threatened to turn off the gas.

Just send me the bill. How much is it?

- $223. - Damn, what you cookin'?

Well, baby, we got to eat. And you know I like to cook everything down nice and slow.

- You know. - Uh, just send it, Ma.

I didn't wanna tell you this,

but, uh, you know I'm front-runner for that Smythe-Bates job.

I'm so proud of you.

And the job pays $60,000 a year.

- Oh, baby. - So, you, Darius, Lyndell, Brandon and April...

Y'all don't have to worry.

I love you, Darryl.

Hello?

This is the Stratford University tuition office. May I speak to Darryl Witherspoon?

Uh, no, uh, Darryl's not with us anymore.

He, uh, he die.

- Oh, I'm so sorry. - Yeah, th-they killed my baby.

He got involved with that whole East Coast/West Coast thing,

and being that he is from Chicago, they both banged on him.

Hi. Darryl Witherspoon.

Sammy Davis, Jr. Jr.

Lza Kill D. Wipe. Thank you.

I am Ishmael Achmel Mohammed Hach-tooey...

Ooh!

Have you donated sperm before?

- Yeah. - Uh-huh. And you're familiar with the procedure?

Well, I've been doing it since I was 12.

The payment procedure. Fifty dollars upon procurement of the sperm.

Cool. Um, do you have any of those procurement aids?

Oh, certainly. Dirty, Beaver Hunt, Big Butt.

- Damn! - Bondage Cheerleaders.

Ooh, four.

I'm good for one more. Just give me somethin' really freaky.

- Like some Siamese midget twins menaging a goat or somethin'. - Okay.

Ah, what's up? What's happenin', my man?

- Hey. - Got some more hair for you.

Hey, look man, I can't do nothin' with them naps. You're back too soon.

- Come on, man. I need this money, man. - I can't help you.

Please. Come on, man. Hey, brother, look. I got some real good hair for you, man.

- Look at the bush. - Hey, look.

- It ain't that kind of party, man, hey. - Come on. Look, brother.

- I'll throw in the ass hair for free. - Step!

Oh, hey, dog. Landlord came by again, looking for your part of the rent.

- God, it must be nice having a... - A hockey scholarship?

Look, I'm not in the guilt game, all right? My heart is light.

- What's with the X? - That's, uh... That's a symbol of my pledge.

See, I'm denying myself certain pleasures, eh?

Eating meat. Drinking alcohol. Sex.

- Sex? - Yeah, all forms of sex.

Consider this. Without pain and deprivation,

one can never experience true pleasure.

You know, this is just like when you converted to Buddhism freshman year.

Uh-huh? Then you went premed, then Republican and then the Tony Robbins tapes.

And let's not forget your little bisexual stage.

Well, that just lasted two hours. Well, two and a half.

You try watchin' Brad Pitt in Interview With A Vampire and not feel a little conflicted.

Look, man, all I'm sayin'... pick an obsession, stay with it.

- All right? - Mmm.

Okay, what's the new chiming sound?

Oh, uh, that's my Prince Albert.

- A what? - Yeah, I got a piercing through my urethra.

And I run a chain from that to my scrotum.

Listen.

Ohh.

With piercing, uh, it's about pain and pleasure.

Like you, for instance, right? You got that inner pain, that hunger for success.

And when you get it, it's gonna be all the more sweet, dog.

Hello, Darryl. Runnin' low on bacon bits over here.

- Hi, Scott. - No emergency.

Just somethin' to keep in the back of your head.

Oh, well, thank you for the pork report. Appreciate it.

- You going up for that Smythe-Bates job? - Oh, yeah.

I'm kind of the pace car in this Employment 500.

3.8 G.P.A. Varsity sailing. Kappa House social chairman.

Your dad runs the third-largest bank in Manhattan.

Oh, yeah, and that. Right.

Or are you just happy to see me?

Smythe-Bates has long enjoyed a reputation...

as one of the world's premier investment firms.

That is why each year we choose our new junior analysts with tremendous care.

The Smythe-Bates man or woman has a high G.P.A.,

a record of athletic achievement and ties of tradition to our firm through some...

of the more prominent fraternal organizations on campus.

Because we regard the junior analyst position not as a stopping point,

but as a stepping stone to greatness.

Now, class, I would like for you to extend a very warm welcome to my old friend,

Mr. Randall Tyson of Smythe-Bates Brokers.

- Randall? - Thank you, Professor Engel. Good to see you.

Uh, well, this old room holds many memories for me.

- I logged quite a bit of nap time in that back row.

I sincerely wish that we had a place for all of you,

but that's not the case.

Five of you will be chosen, and out of the five finalists,

the student who most closely resembles the ideal employee...

will be chosen for the position of junior analyst at Smythe-Bates.

Good luck to all of you.

All right, class, in the case study that we were examining last week...

Now, the markets are up, but consumer spending...

and corporate profit margins are down.

- Now, how would the social planner remedy this, huh? - - Ooh!

- Sir? - Downsize the labor force.

- What? - This increases profit, and the resulting price cuts...

stimulate consumer spending.

- Yo, difference of opinion here. - Uh, Mr. Witherspoon... and we can do without the yo-ing...

What he's sayin' is let's help people by firing them.

Now, this seems to me, ebonically speaking, whack.

Perhaps Darryl does have a special insight into the blue collar,

or, should I say, hairnet mentality.

Oh!

Look... Wicks Morton Industrials, okay?

In 1988, their wages exceeded their profit margins, but instead of firing people,

what they did was they offered employee contracts with wage givebacks.

And guess what. Their employees spent 50 percent more than they did the previous year.

Now, what that proves is what the average Joe on the street already knows.

The more money they have, the more money they can spend.

He's absolutely right. Wicks Morton did do the right thing by their employees.

But then again, instead of laying off workers, they took out a $20 million loan...

from a certain bank here in Manhattan, and from what I hear,

- From your dad? - They're on the verge of defaulting.

So what happens to your average workin' Joe when Wicks Morton goes down?

I don't think they're gonna end up in the checkout line.

I think it's gonna be the unemployment line.

And the president of the company is gonna be right there with them.

Ebonically speaking, you don't know shit.

Dare I say, you're out of your league.

Darryl, although carrying water is technically an aerobic activity,

- it does not qualify you to play college-level hockey.

Coach, please. Look, I need this time. Please, Coach.

Look, I'm just a brother from the hood with a simple dream to play hockey.

Don't make me turn to drugs or gangs...

LaFlour!

- He's on your team. - Just following through, Coach!

- Yeah. Sure, Tim. - Hey, Tim.

When was the last time you had sex?

- Why? - You're just a little jumpy, that's all.

Hey, can you do me a favor?

Can you please talk to the coach and try and get me some time on the ice?

I need a sport, or I'm not gonna get the Smythe-Bates job.

Please. I need it for my family, man.

Right, yeah, I'll talk to Coach for ya, eh?

Thanks, Tim.

Uh, these things are too tight!

Nice shot!

The outside!

Come on. Come on.

Wait. Wait.

Uh, wait!