Brooklyn Nine-Nine

Just eating butter like a popsicle, huh, Boyle?

Yeah, I know, I'm spoiling myself,

but I'm depressed. Or have you forgotten

that Jake, my best friend, is in prison?

- Wait, Jake's in prison? - Yeah!

He and Rosa were framed for a bunch of bank robberies

by Lieutenant Hawkins.

Oh, right. And where's Gina?

On maternity leave! We were all at her baby shower

last week. - Okay.

And why am I bleeding?

I don't know, Hitchcock.

Oh, so you don't have all the answers.

I'm bleeding because my piece-of-crap

son-in-law bit me.

Look, we all miss Jake and Rosa,

which is why we have to keep working the case.

There has to be some way to exonerate them.

I've been looking, but I can't find anything

and I don't know what to do. - "I can't find anything

and I don't know what to do":

title of your sex tape. - What is happening

right now?! - They caught Hawkins

trying to flee the country.

She confessed to everything,

and they let me out. - Oh, my God,

Jake, is it really you? Are you really here?

- You know it, baby. -

But first... I gotta hug my best friend.

- Yeah. - What?

Welcome back, Peralta.

I just heard from the mayor.

To apologize for what happened to you,

they're sending you to Disney World.

You and one male guest.

As long as I don't have to go on any of the scary rides.

- I'd just go for the shows. - Yeah!

All: Boyle, Boyle, Boyle!

Boyle, Boyle, Boyle!

Boyle!

Were you dreaming about Jake again?

Why did you wake me up?!

I told you never to wake me up!

Wake up! Rise and shine!

Good morning, Caleb.

You woke up happy for once.

You're damn right I did. It's visiting day.

It's visiting day!

Happy visiting day.

Happy visiting day, Tommy. You excited

for the family to come? Tino, is Maria on her way?

Miguel, happy visiting day...

and he hung himself. Oh, my God.

Guard! Guard!

- Hi, hey. - Hi.

Oh, man, three weeks is way too long

between visits. - I know, I'm so sorry.

It's been so hard to get down to South Carolina between

work and spending every free minute on your case.

All right, that's enough touching.

You used all the touching time, Amy.

I get 100% of the goodbye touching time.

100%. - So, Charles, I gotta ask:

what's going on with your hair? - Well, it turned white

from the stress, but I didn't want you to worry,

so I dyed it back to my normal color

with a splash of Batali. Do you like it?

So, how's my case going? Have you found anything

on Hawkins? I've been working it in here.

You know, when no one's watching.

In my cell. At night. In the dark.

I guess I've been mostly thinking about it.

We're tracking her 24/7.

You know, watching her men, combing her old files,

but she's done a great job at covering her tracks.

We will find something, babe.

I swear. Don't give up hope, okay?

How are they treating you? Are you safe?

Yeah, I'm in protective custody

because everyone in gen pop hates cops.

I'm not really sure why. Something about us

locking them in cages

and letting the world pass them by.

So, it sounds

like you're isolated and haven't had any chance

to make new friends. - Well, my cellmate,

Caleb, is okay. - Just remember he's in prison.

No matter how small the crime, people don't change

and don't deserve second chances.

Charles, relax. I'm not gonna replace you.

Trust me, all I've been thinking about

is when you guys are gonna get down here.

And now you are, and we can finally talk.

There's an incident

in the yard. We're going into lockdown.

Inmates, line up. - No.

No, no, no, no, no.

I have 50 more minutes. I need this.

- Back to your cells right now. - No!

My touching time.

Sarge, Captain. Oh, you guys brought Hitchcock.

Uh, no, we just bumped into him in the lobby.

We don't know why he's here. - Jenny, baby!

I love what prison's doing to your figure.

Okay. So, how's prison?

Nobody likes cops in here, so I had to earn their respect

by starting a bunch of riots. Got thrown in solitary

for a week. What's going on with your face?

I hate seeing you like this, so I'm flexing my eyes

real hard to keep from crying.

It's okay, we can still have a normal conversation.

So... how's the food?

Pay no attention to him, Rosa. He's very emotional, Rosa.

Why are you saying my first name?

Well, Rosa, I read an article in a medical journal

that said one destabilizing aspect

of incarceration is the constant dehumanization,

Rosa. You need to be reminded

that you're more than just a number, Rosa.

You are Rosa... Rosa.

- Yup, that fixes prison. - Is there anything we can do

to help you? Anything you need done

on the outside? - No, I'm good.

- It's not a problem. - Rosa.

- We're here for you. - Rosa.

- Whatever you need. - Rosa.

Okay, I'll come up with a list.

The alarm went off before we could even talk.

Aw, that's too bad, bud.

But at least you have people that wanna come

and visit you. My family hasn't been

to see my since my trial. You eat nine people

and all of the sudden they "don't know

who you are anymore."

Wait... what?

Did you say "eat people"? Are you a cannibal, Caleb?

Well, that's not how I would define myself.

If we're going by what I'm most passionate about,

I would say that I'm a woodworker.

Why did you think I was in protective custody?

I don't know, I guess I hoped you were another cop

wrongly convicted of crimes you didn't commit.

Nope, I did all my stuff and more.

There's tons they can't even trace to me.

The secret is eating the evidence.

Okay, this is just great. I don't see anyone

from the outside for another three weeks

and my only friend here is a cannibal.

Woodworker. Look, if you really wanna

talk to people on the outside,

just get a cell phone. - Yeah, that'd be great,

but it's illegal, right? - There's this guy

in gen pop... Romero. He can smuggle anything

into this place: Phones, drugs,

big bag of hair. - Why would you want that?

You know what? Don't tell me.

The less I know about you, the better.

Okay, let's find this Romero guy.

Right now? I really wanna chomp down

on this meat. - Caleb...

This is scary.

I don't like being so near gen pop.

It's fine. It's not like they're

all waiting for an opportunity to kill us.

I'm sure some of them are actually nice,

like this gentle giant here.

Hello, sir, what brings you to the fence today?

Just here to stab you if you get too close.

Neat. Caleb, remind me

not to stand too close to the fence.

Will do. Oh, here's Romero.

So, what's up? You need another bag of hair?

- Yeah. - No.

We'll talk later. Same order, though.

I hear you're the man to talk to

about getting a cell phone. - I am.

But it'll cost you. Phone's 100.

- $100? That's no problem. - I got no use

for cash. I want 100 soups.

- Soups? - Yeah, ramen.

They're like a major currency in here.

Really? That is very surprising.

You can't smoke anymore,

so ramen has replaced cigarettes.

NPR did a big thing on it. - I thought they sold ramen

at the prison commissary. - I don't want commissary soups,

you stupid little bitch boy. - Okay, that's fair.

I deserve that. - I want flavors

you can only get on the outside...

chili-lime shrimp, southwestern chicken...

street flavors. - Picante beef.

Oh, that's my favorite.

Get me picante beef, bitch boy.

Okay, so I just get some ramen

and then I get a cell phone. Prison is easy.

You stood too close

to the fence. - Yeah, I know, Caleb!

Captain, Diaz sent us a list of favors

she needs us to do for her. She didn't hold back.

First, she wants us to move all her furniture