Can-Can

You'll never make it.

Merci.

Cordon Rouge 1890, messieurs.

- Sounds potable. Thank you, Andre. - Yes, an excellent year.

1890.

Let me see, there was... Rachel and Marie... and Rachel again.

That was a beautiful year.

For me, 1882 was more memorable.

That long ago?

No, no. No, you don't. Other people might buy your wistful retired-from-life act, but not me.

I happen to know about a certain lady on the Rue Avignon.

Well, one tries to stay amused.

And one succeeds, no?

Don't point. It's rude.

- Charming. That is Simone? - No, no. That is Claudine.

I'm saving her for a rainy day. But she is not Simone.

This Simone, has she anything to do with the surprise you promised me?

- She certainly has. - Good. I love surprises.

So does Simone.

In fact, she'll hardly speak to me if I show up without one.

Andre.

Simone. I'd know your perfume anywhere.

Francois! Diamonds!

- Well, some of them. - Beautiful.

Think she'll like it? She's very particular, Fifi.

Fifi? Fifi-who-Fifi?!

You airways tease. Put it on.

Go on, hurry, put it on. Then introduce me to your friend.

No, no, no, take your time, Francois. I'm in no hurry.

Allez-oop.

Oh, Francois! You'll never know how grateful I am.

Yes, I will.

Jewellery on my garter. Makes me feel irresistible.

Oh, mademoiselle, resistance to you is unthinkable.

And un-French.

It's a shame, though - no one will see it.

I wish I could believe that.

This is Monsieur Barriere, this is Mademoiselle Simone.

- Delighted, mademoiselle. - I've heard so much about you.

- Lies, all lies. - No, no, nice things from Francois.

Oh, but Francois is a gentleman.

You know what I'm doing? I'm sitting on diamonds.

Imagine me sitting on diamonds. It's quite a sensation.

- Simone. - Oh. This is bad?

No, but it's not the sort of thing done in royal circles.

Say, what's holding up the you-know?

The cancan. It'll be there in a minute.

- The cancan? - That was the surprise. She spoiled it.

Now, now, now, wait a minute.

The cancan is against the law. You know that, Francois.

- You mean you don't want to see it? - Of course I do. Who doesn't?

But a man in my position, if it becomes known that I watched the cancan...

What does the law call it? "A lewd and lascivious performance."

What could I say? How could I defend myself?

You needn't worry. No one will ever know.

- But suppose the police arrive? - The police will not arrive.

Do you think I'd have you caught in a raid?

Francois has taken care of the police.

Believe me, I cannot afford to have this place of mine closed.

- You are sure? - I am 2,000-francs-worth sure.

Well, I cannot approve officially, but...

What are we waiting for?

Good.

See? I told you, they never arrest the waiters.

Francois, this could have been very bad.

I don't understand it.

Ow!

Simone!

I will bite you again and again! You told me everything was arranged!

- It was arranged! - Then someone must have re-arranged it.

The Police Correctional Court is now in session.

It will be noted for the record that today Judge Merceaux and myself

will be joined by a colleague transferred to this court from the 14th arrondissement.

I am most pleased to welcome Judge Forrestier to our judicial family.

Thank you. It is a privilege to become a member of such a distinguished family.

First case. Bring in the accused.

Order!

- The accused will remember where they are. - Who could forget?

Where is the attorney for the defence?

I'm coming, Your Honour.

You are late.

I am sorry, Monsieur le President. I spent the night in... consultation with a client.

Let us proceed with the charges.

The prisoners are charged with violation of the Pubic Morals Law of 1790,

in that they did willfully perform a lewd and lascivious dance

calculated to inflame the minds, souls and moral fibres of the spectators.

We did?

May I ask who filed this complaint?

We did, Monsieur le President. We represent the League Against Filthy Dancing.

Are you aware that all complaints must be signed by an official of the court?

It was signed, Monsieur le President.

It was? By whom?

- By me, Your Honour. - By you?

Why, yes. It was a complaint brought by responsible citizens.

Oh.

And this is the complaint that you signed?

Yes, it is.

Well then, since the complaint is in order, we will proceed with the trial.

Where is the prosecuting attorney?

He is ill, Your Honour. Confined to his home.

That's true. I saw him an hour ago - he's gravely ill.

Oh, I'm terribly sorry to hear it. Are there any witnesses?

No, Your Honour.

Your Honour, since the prosecutor's absent and there are no witnesses to the said dance,

I propose a dismissal.

One moment, Your Honour, please. Where are the officers who made this arrest?

Summon the arresting officers.

- There are only two of them present. - Where are the others?

Your Honour, this is not a very important case, so we didn't think...

Since when do the police decide which cases are important?

But...

When you made the arrest did you see any of the dancing?

No, monsieur. I was outside, guarding the exit.

- And you? Were you inside? - Oui, monsieur.

- Then you saw the dancing? - I object.

With all due respect, he is presupposing a fact.

- Objection sustained. - I shall rephrase the question.

- Did you see the dancing? - Non, monsieur.

Why not? You admit you were there.

But I have trouble with my eyes. I suffer with an ailment. It is called...

- Perjury, maybe? - Just a moment.

I object to that as being an unjust and irresponsible accusation.

Your Honour, I know this good man,

and I happen to know he suffers from a severe case of astigmatism.

Yes, astigatism, yes.

Sustained.

When you made the arrest surely you took down testimony from witnesses?

Your Honour, did you ever try to take down testimony while arresting a cancan dancer?

Now, really. I suppose you also failed to collect any witnesses' names?

Yes, Your Honour. Because in the struggle I lost my pencil.

This is astounding. Obviously not one of you is performing his duties properly,

or you'd offer some kind of evidence for a conviction.

Since it is the learned magistrate's opinion that there is no evidence for a conviction,

I move that the case be dismissed.

- Any objection? - No objection.

Judge Forrestier?

Well, Your Honour, under the circumstances...

Case dismissed. Recess.

All right, girls, come on...

Very good.

Very good.

Mademoiselle, perhaps a little closer to...

- But by all means, monsieur. - No, no, no, no.

We were asked to do this for the newspapers, not for postcards.

Hold it.

Arh!

- Where'd everybody go? - No, no, no! You wiggle, all of you!

You will have to hold still.

Ah, Judge Forrestier. Hello.

My friend the defence lawyer. What a pleasant surprise.

- I planned to visit you in your chambers. - A business matter?

No, to get acquainted with the new judge. I'm a friendly type.

And you like to have friends at court, so to speak?

It's a little early, but my clients and I were celebrating. Won't you join us?

I'd rather not, if you don't mind.

- But they're such lovely clients. - Yes, they are indeed.

And they don't hold this morning against you. They like you very much. Don't you, ladies?

- Certainly. - Not me.

You see? They love you.

We may never get along, you and I, but we certainly won't if you take me for a fool.

- I take people as I find them. - Yes, I know you do. I've met your type.

Nothing matters but having a good time. I know you very well.

When I think of the things you're missing - the wonderful...

Oh, yes, wonderful, wonderful. Wine from a lady's slipper.

Dawn in a strange bed. Intoxicating intrigue. Romance.

Romance in gay Paris. Spare me the rest of the cliches, will you?

I never thought I'd hear a Frenchman say things are more important than romance.

Unfortunately, some things are more important.

How can you ignore love when so many of your countrymen have died for it?

As you know, duelling is against the law.

That's true. But...

Nonsense.