Happiest Season

[SIA'S "CANDY CANE LANE" PLAYING]

...when he saw presents under the Christmas tree,

and she was one of them.

Now, this house was originally owned by Herbert Flackshaw,

who started this tradition on Candy Cane Lane.

He even hired his nephew,

Otis, to play Santa Claus for many years

until he was arrested for child endangerment in 1992. Ooh!

You guys gotta look at this house.

This house is the site...

Are you having fun?

Are you having fun?

Yes, I think this is cute.

It is, yeah.

Oh, God. You hate it.

No, I don't hate it.

I'm just not a huge Christmas person.

I know, I know. But...

Argh. How can you not like the lights,

the decorations and the Christmas trees?

Fun fact! Did you know

that Christmas trees are responsible

for an annual average

of four deaths,

15 injuries

and a loss of $12 million?

Okay, I get it.

I think you made your point.

Thank you for trying to get me to like Christmas.

I love that you love it. I'm just so content

taking care of other people's pets

when they're away for...

Come with me.

Wait, where are we going?

You know these people?

What are you doing? Come here.

Still not clear on the plan.

Will you shut up and follow me, please?

Come on.

Well, does this do anything for you?

This is beautiful.

I hate that you're gonna be alone on Christmas.

I'm gonna miss you.

Hey, I'm gonna miss you too. We could just stay up here.

I'd do that.

Hey, I hear you up there!

I'm calling the police!

Abby? Harper!

Oh, my God.

Are you okay?

Um...

Oh, no.

What do I do?

Stay. I'm gonna get you down.

Okay, yeah.

Shit.

Whoa!

What are you doing out there?

Harper? Are you peeping?

Don't peep at me.

Oh, God!

Abby?

Oh, my God. Are you okay?

I'm so great!

Here, here. Here, come on. Okay.

We gotta go. She's coming. Go! Run!

Yeah, you better run.

Pervert!

Who said you could come downstairs?

Giddyup.

Hmm.

Oh!

Come with me.

Where?

To my parents' house for Christmas.

Oh, really?

I-I've got the pets to sit.

Oh, my God. Get someone to cover for you.

I want to...

wake up with you on Christmas morning.

If that doesn't convince you to love Christmas,

I'll never bring it up again.

Deal.

Yeah.

Hmm.

[BAYLI'S "JINGLE BELLS" PLAYING]

Hi.

Hey.

Sit down.

What's going on in here?

I woke up thinking about going home with you and got...

very excited about Christmas.

Oh...

Baby, you don't... You don't have to come with me.

No, I want to. No, no, no. I...

I feel like I put you on the spot last night,

and I understand how you feel about Christmas

because you lost your parents,

and you don't have... No. I genuinely want to go.

Uh-huh.

I get to meet the people

that made my favorite person.

Okay.

But who's gonna look after all those pets?

John's gonna cover for me.

I know why you're worried.

But don't be.

I am all in on Christmas.

Hmm?

Good. Yeah.

For the cat go every other day,

but the dog and fish need

to be seen morning and night. Okay.

The apartment on Butler has this weird lock.

If you jiggle it, it will lock,

but make sure you do that. Yes.

What are you doing on your phone?

Sorry. I left a gentleman

alone in my apartment.

I'm tracking him to make sure he leaves.

You're tracking him? I track everybody.

If the NSA can do it, so can I.

He's gone. What were you saying?

I wrote it all down. They're really specific.

If you need anything, you can call.

Abigail, don't worry.

I'm responsible for the careers

of dozens of authors.

I'm capable of taking care of pets for two days.

It's five days.

Five. What I said.

Refill? Hi.

I think I made

the right decision,

but at the same time...

What is Ultrasuede?

Ultrasuede is a water-resistant fabric.

Hello.

What are we doing here?

Hi. Can I help you?

I'm picking up. Abby Holland.

Oh, yes, of course.

Wait right here. I'll be right back.

Oh. Enjoy some champagne. Oh.

Thank you. I love champagne.

Here we are.

May I? Of course. Thanks.

There it is.

No.

Abby, you and Harper have a perfect relationship.

Why ruin that by engaging in one of the most

archaic institutions in the history of the human race?

Because I want to marry her. Okay, you say that,

but what you're actually doing

is tricking the woman you claim to love

by trapping her in a box of heteronormativity

and trying to make her your property.

She is not a rice cooker

or a cake plate. She's a human being.

It's not owning her. It's building a life with her.

She is... my person,

and I really want everyone to know that.

I suppose that's one way of looking at it.

So, when are you gonna ask her?

I was thinking of New Year's,

but now that I'm going home with her...

I understand this is very old-fashioned,

but I'm gonna ask her dad for his blessing

and propose on Christmas morning.

I'm sorry, ask her dad for his blessing?

Way to stick it to the patriarchy.

Really well done.

[CAVEBOY'S "JOLLY OLD SAINT NICHOLAS" PLAYING]

I can't believe I'm finally gonna meet everyone.

I haven't had a family Christmas in 10 years.

Also, a fact you don't know about me,

I am actually very good with parents.

Okay. There's something that we should talk about

before we get to my parents' house.

What is it?

Do you remember this summer

when I... came out to my parents

and told them we were together,

and they took it really well?

Yeah.

Okay, well, that wasn't...