The Suitors Club (Le Club des soupirants)

FERNANDEL IN

THE SUITORS' CLUB

ONCE UPON A TIME IN ONE OF THOSE HAPPY COUNTRIES...

IF HAPPY PEOPLE HAVE NO HISTORY,

HAPPY COUNTRIES HAVE NO GEOGRAPHY PIERRE LOUYS

EVERYTHING FOR MEN

My dear colleagues,

after examining the bills you entrusted to me,

it has emerged that we're owed 5 million

by forty of our clients, young society men,

all insolvent and who could only repay us

by marrying into wealth.

Our 5 million is lost forever

unless we find an effective way to recover it.

Agreed, my dear Palmer.

-Certainly. -But how?

The Video Private Detective Agency reports

that billionaire Cabarrus has rented Miramar Castle

in X-on-Sea for the summer.

I don't understand.

You'll understand if I tell you

that this Cabarrus has a daughter of marriageable age.

Well, well!

And you'll understand completely if I add

that this girl is the sole heir to his fortune.

That's all very nice,

but this young lady may already be engaged.

No, gentlemen, my information is definite.

There's nobody, if I may say so, working on this case.

Unfortunately, our candidates are in Paris

and none can afford to go to X-on-Sea to try their luck.

You wouldn't send them there at our expense?

Especially since there are 40 of them.

That's not a trip, it's an expedition.

Exactly, I'm proposing we organize an expedition.

Think about it.

We advance 2 million for travel and accommodation.

2 million?

We have no choice.

Either lose everything or invest another 2 million

and recover our debts, plus a nice profit.

A nice profit?

Exactly.

Each candidate would commit

to paying us 10 million if he marries Miss Cabarrus,

which, minus the 5 million owed to us,

plus the 2 million I'm asking you to advance

would leave us 3 million profit.

Provided one of our candidates, as you put it,

sees the deal through.

Valid objection, but anticipated.

Send in Prince Nirvanoff.

Gentlemen.

Your servant.

Gentlemen,

you have before you the last Don Juan of the century.

I am, as this brochure will tell you,

the man who amazed America.

Some samples of my conquests

with explanatory notes alongside.

Divorce decrees, all against me, obviously,

in ten languages.

Naturally, depending on the wife's nationality.

In short, gentlemen,

22 marriages,

22 divorces.

Total: 1,250,000,000 in dowries,

not counting pocket money and frivolities.

Gentlemen, if you confer on me the honor of directing

and training your candidates,

you can consider the Cabarrus affair settled.

But in your opinion,

how long will it take to get results?

Three weeks. A month at most.

I'm ready to stake the Nirvanoff honor on it.

Gentlemen, I repeat,

we can either lose everything or gain 3 million.

Those who support my proposal

please raise your hand.

Unanimous. So, from today,

we form an association whose name will be...

Well, gentlemen, I await your suggestions.

May I?

Please do.

The Suitors Club.

Yes.

Any objections?

-No. No. Very good. -Perfect.

-Perfect. -Very good. Very good.

The suitors step forward

In search of love

The suitors rush forth

To conquer love

Feel us trembling with hope

Laughing at all these rivals

To seize their chance

Here comes the suitors' club

Rankings of June 27th.

First: Miss Daisy.

Second: Madam.

Third: Miss Edith.

And fourth: Sir.

Send your 100 cents.

You too, Dad.

I don't have change.

Yes, as usual.

Albert, lend the gentleman 100 sous.

RECEPTION

Watch out.

The customer.

-The customer. -The customer.

Did you sleep well, sir?

Yes, not bad. Thanks, my friend.

Nothing for me? No mail?

No, Mr. Valoisir.

Well, actually,

I still have your little bill.

I have complete faith in you. You can keep it.

You're too kind, sir.

Please.

-Oh me... -You, I know, gardening and culture.

And you, my beloved daughter, you?

That, my dear daddy, is none of your business.

Perfect, perfect.

That sounds like an excellent plan.

Sir's checkers game is well underway.

Dear friend, I'll follow you.

An ixus vampirex.

Well, Pamela!

-What? -It's your turn.

Really, dear, where is your head?

You're playing with my pieces!

Oh no, honestly, you'll never learn to play checkers.

Yet you managed to get me to marry you

by making me believe you were a worthy partner.

True, on our wedding night, I knew for sure.

I had no illusions left.

Neither did I, my dear. Not one.

There's a phone call for you, from Paris.

-Who is it? -They didn't give a name.

-It's confidential. -I'll take it.

Excuse me, my dear.

The phone has left us no privacy.

Hello? Hello, hello?

No, no, don't hang up.

This is Mr. Cabarrus, yes. I'm listening.

Video Agency.

What?

Serious news?

Very serious?

But I love it! What is it?

This is a real witch hunt on my daughter.

Those scoundrels!

Don't worry, I'll cure those suitors of their sighing.

Oh yes, yes, yes, yes. I'll send you the usual check.

Yes, that's right. So goodbye, Mr. Video.

See you next time.

-Stop! Where are you going? -Somewhere else.

Sorry, but there's a contract. No more somewhere else.

There. From now on,

it's family life, it's castle life.

You won't go out anymore, no one will.

No one?

No one except me, of course.

Albert!

Ring the porter, Albert.

So I'm condemned to die of old age here.

Do like your cousin.

Grow rutabagas and train kangaroos.

-Oh yes! -Or like your mother-in-law,

dance the biguine.

When you look for work, you always find some.

Take me, for example, I'm going to sleep.

Hands up!

Pleased to meet you.

Who do I have the honor of meeting?

But, sir...

Not another word. You're done for.

A word of advice:

tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.

Raise your hands and say "I swear".

-But allow me... -Silence.

Breaking and entering, burglary, armed assault.

It's French Guiana,

yellow fever, mosquitoes, the guillotine and sharks.

I know the law.

No, please sir, listen to me.

-Too late. -And yet, there's...

Not at all. The jury will appreciate it.

Albert!

Call the police.

Not with the bugle, you fool! The phone!

Send me a squad, a company, a battalion

the best you have and right now.

Money's no object.

What did you say?

Me?

Nothing.

You're wrong.

No, no, no, no.