Surviving Jack

My girlfriend and I

had just spent an entire movie doing this.

Things were going pretty great.

A buck a gallon.

One dollar for a gallon of gasoline.

You guys make it to a third date, she's pitching in.

Only problem... when we stopped kissing,

I had no idea how to talk to her.

Uh, well, that was a fun movie.

Yeah.

Movies... are fun.

Holy hell, my head's about to explode.

You just spent two hours watching people talk.

Didn't you pick up any tricks?

I'm gonna jump-start this.

Conversation topics...

Food, the beach, cat vs dog.

Greatest song ever written... I'll give you a hint.

It's "The Gambler" by Kenny Rogers.

- Condoms? - Whoa, all right.

Well, you're throwing me a curve,

but I'll roll with you, Heather.

What's with the gimmicky prophylactics?

I mean, you got the ribbed this, the glow-in-the-dark that.

Whatever happened to the good, old-fashioned latex.

It's a penis.

I don't need to dress it up like it's leading a parade.

Anyone else want to jump in?

No, I'm actually sitting on a box of condoms.

Oh, yeah. Those are mine.

Well, why are they in the car?

That was the last place I used them.

- Hey! Ew! - Really? Tell you what.

If you ever left the house on the weekends,

your mother and I wouldn't have to use the car

like animals.

There. Now you've got something to talk about.

You're welcome.

Aww, look how cute you look in this.

I think the laser beams make you look like

a space captain who means business.

Mom, don't put that up. It was during my awkward phase.

What the hell phase do you think you're in now?

All right, everybody, listen up.

Your mother's having surgery tomorrow.

She's gonna be okay, right?

She's not gonna die, right?

Oh, my God. If mom died, it would just be us and dad.

Right, like I'd stick around.

First of all, you would. It's in my will.

And second of all, no one's dying.

I'm just having a cyst removed.

Ew. Old people have the weirdest problems.

Whatever.

Society dictates that parents

are supposed to live for their children.

I don't subscribe to that belief.

It is a perversion.

I live for your mother,

and this weekend is about her recovery.

I'm in charge of her well-being.

You two are in charge of not being a pain in the ass.

If you fail, I will hog-toss you into the pool.

Which reminds me, I got to turn the pool heater off.

Well, I'm hanging out with Heather tomorrow,

so I'm not gonna be a problem.

Good.

Okay, I am going to be fine.

And by the way, when do I get to meet Heather?

When you bump into her in the mall with her new boyfriend.

This kid can't string two words together when he's around her.

Maybe it's because we know each other so well,

we don't need to talk... Like grandma and grandpa.

Grammy and grandpa don't talk 'cause they hate each other.

It's true.

I think the only thing keeping them alive

is the thought of seeing the other one die.

I don't know what Heather sees in him.

She's super-pretty, not like me pretty,

but... yeah, she's pretty.

I think Frankie could use some fatherly advice

about how to talk to women.

Like he's so great at it.

Does it need to be from his father?

Look, maybe I shouldn't interfere.

This could be natural selection

trying to weed him out of the gene pool.

Fine, but you're dealing with him when they break up.

And remember, he owns an acoustic guitar.

Dude.

Do you think that me and Heather are gonna last?

Probably not.

You will not believe the score we just made.

"Casablanca"?

Did somebody tell you there's boobs in that.

'Cause I watched it with my mom.

And for sure, there's not.

It's just a bunch of sad European guys

making hard choices.

Open it.

"Naked Babes from Outer Space."

Space chicks could have three, four boobs.

There are no limits.

How did you do this?

I slipped through the curtain

while George stood watch, disguised.

That wasn't a disguise. My lazy eye was acting up.

What was it like in there?

I want to live in that room, man.

Chick-a-chick-ah. Chick-a-chick-ah.

I get it the first two days. Then it'll go on rotation.

I put together a sign-out sheet.

So the "Casablanca" tape is in a porn case right now.

So what?

Where are the alien boobs?

Shh! I want to see if she gets on the plane.

Boys.

If you're here tomorrow when my wife gets home from surgery,

I'm throwing you in the pool.

- Got it. - Got it.

Wait a minute.

He did it.

That "Casablanca"?

Why wouldn't it be?

That's Joanne's favorite movie.

Me, I prefer my war movies to actually have war in them.

But... thanks. I'll return it tomorrow.

This counts as your day.

Let's go for a ride.

Can we take the car that you and mom haven't done it in?

No such car.

Also, if you're trying to avoid places

where your mother and I have gotten intimate,

you'll want to get off that bed.

Ew!

I can't believe you're taking me to a strip club!

I-if this is one of those things that counts as, like,

my Christmas and birthday present at the same time,

I'm totally cool with it.

Hey, settle down.

Now, if you don't learn

how to talk to a girl like a normal human being,

you will become this...

The man that goes to a strip club during the day.

They are the lowest form of life...

So desperate they can't even wait till the cover of darkness.

Doesn't seem that bad to me.

Sir. When was the last time you had a date with a woman?

Define date.

Okay. I rest my case.

Now... keep walking.

So, you got two choices here, champ.

Either learn to talk to girls,

or end up like these pathetic human beings.

- Hey! - Enjoy the buffet.

Well, I don't know what to talk to her about.

That's because you barely know each other.

So change that.

Or don't and spend your days here, eating a crappy steak

and trying to ignore the C-section scars.

S-so, we're not going in?

Get in the car.

The only thing my dad cared about was my mom's recovery.

How you feeling? Okay, good.

You're gonna feel groggy for just a little bit.

Nothing to worry about it.

But if you have four to six bouts of diarrhea in an hour,

- you just let me know. - Oh, trust me, you'll know.

Honey, do you feel like

- we lied to the kids? - No.

We could have just said,

"Mom had a cyst removed and also got her tubes tied."

Don't they have a right to know?

No. No, they have no rights.

They're basically parasites

that nature's conditioned us to love.

I just think they need to know that the door

that brought them into this world

Is now closed.

We're getting a little excited now,

and that's exactly why we hadn't tell them

that you got your tubes tied.

Mom got her tubes tied?

- No. - Big time.

Rachel, just because you hear our conversations

doesn't make you a part of them.

Now beat it. We're not gonna excite your mother.

You just relax, honey. I'm gonna put on some Carly Simon.

Mom, there's someone I'd like you to meet.

Is this the world-famous Heather?

No.

You have to stay for dinner.

Yeah, no. You've had major surgery.

- Got to relax. - Okay, nonsense. Nonsense.

I'm gonna go change my clothes.

Why don't you start?

How do you feel about chopping vegetables?

'Cause I probably shouldn't be holding a knife.

Uh-oh.

What were you thinking? Why is she here?