The Dangerous Lives of Altar Boys

Tell Me Again Why We're Doing This.

Homework, Francis.

- The Future's Built On It. - Right.

Hey, Give Me Some Of That Before You Kill It.

You Know, Last Chug Is 89% Backwash.

Here?

No. You're Too Close. Move A Foot Back.

Okay.

All Right. That's It. Don't Move.

- Hey, Leatherface? - What?

- Can You Really Use That Thing? - What Did You Say?

Can You Really Use That Thing?

I Don't Know. Can You Really Triangulate?

Seems Like The Perfect Spot For Deciding What You Really Want In Life.

My Own Comic Book. Bigger Than Anything That Marvel Or D.C. Has.

No. I'm Talking About What You Really Want Right Now,

Like Revenge On The One-Legged Bitch In Black And White.

Margie Flynn!

Shit!

Shit!

I Knew It.

Margie Flynn.

Ah, Stupid!

Oh!

Hmm!

Aah!

Hey, Guys. Excuse Me.

Coming Through Here. Excuse Me, Excuse Me. Hello.

Aah!

Aah! Hah!

Aah!

Aha! Huh!

Man: Body Of Christ.

Are You With Me Here, Altar Boy?

Body Of Christ.

Amen.

- Body Of Christ. - Amen.

Body Of Christ.

Body Of Christ.

Amen.

Body Of Christ.

Amen.

- Body Of Christ. - Amen.

- -

"You're So Sweet.

I Think About You A Lot, Too."

It's The "Too" That Gets Me.

That Means She Knows I Was Thinking About Her, Right?

- How Would She Know That? - Your Obvious Boner.

You Know What? Give Me That.

No. Why? Why, You Gonna Do Something About It?

What Are You Checking Out My Ass For?

Take The Damn Note, Then. Bzz!

But How Would She Know?

Well, Maybe It's 'Cause You Wrote Her A Note.

I Didn't Write Her A Note.

Actually, You're Right. You Wrote Her A Poem.

Well, She Tried To Kill Herself, So You Know She's Gotta Love Poetry,

Like Sylvia Plath Or William Blake, Probably.

What Are You Talking About? You Wrote Her A Note?

No, Asshole, It Was A Poem... With A Note At The End.

- Jesus Christ! - Hey, Guys.

- Hey. Good Morning, Fellas. - Good Morning.

Get Lucky Last Night, You Guys?

- Yeah! -

So, Is Anyone Going With Donny Flynn's Sister That You Know Of?

Who, Margie? Why? You Think You're Gonna Get Something Off Her?

Oh, Not Me. Stan Lee Over Here.

Well, I Kissed Her, Like, Two Years Ago.

Two Years? What Was She Then, Like, 8 Years Old?

Old Enough. I Mean, She Uses Her Tongue.

Bullshit!

Whatever.

I Mean, The Girl Was Hungry And I Got Some Tongue.

Girl: I Forgot My Homework.

Okay.

"The Atomic Trinity."

Hey, Check It Out.

- Oh, Cool. Captain Asskicker. - That's Really Good.

- He's Kicking The Shit Out Of Someone. - What's This Shit Over Here?

That's The Shit He Just Kicked Out Of Him, Numb Nuts.

Ohh! That's Disgusting.

- That's Really Cool. - Thanks.

- I'm Not Serious. - Wait Till You See This.

I Spent All Night On It. Watch.

You Spent All Night On That?

- Yeah. - What Is It?

It's Major Screw Going At It With The Evil Warrior Babe.

Going At What?

- 69. - Oh, That 69.

That Looks More Like...47?

- Okay... - Whatever.

Check This Out. I Got Some New Stuff.

This Is Miss September.

- Oh, Wow! - Oh, My Goodness.

- You Draw A Great Butt. - Thank You.

- You Do. - Nice.

- This Is Assumpta... Flogging Casey. - All Right!

And This Is The Atomic Trinity Wasting A Guy.

- Yeah! - I Like That.

- Asskicker. - Yeah, But...

I Thought We Were Gonna Change The Name 'Cause There's 4 Of Us Now.

Shut Up, Joey. You Don't Count.

The Guy's Got A Point.

Well, What About You? You Haven't Done Shit On This Thing.

- I Haven't Done Shit? - No, You Have Not.

Okay, Um, Let Me Show You Something Here.

Let Me Educate You A Little Bit. Look At This.

Tim Sullivan, The Editor.

Behind Every Great Book Is A Great Editor.

- But What's An Editor Do? - Yeah?

Um, Basically, He Tells You If You Suck,

And, Wade, You Suck.

- Suck? - Well, He Doesn't Make Any Sense, All Right?

- Agatha... -

All: Good Morning.

Woman: And Hear Us, Oh, Lord, As We Pray...

- - ...For Dottie Baker's Safe Recovery From Tonsillitis.

For Keith Bloom And His Family,

As They Mourn The Loss Of His Grandmother, Irene.

And Let Us Pray, O Lord, For The Sullivans,

As They Seek To Rebuild Their Holy Marriage

After Struggles With Alcohol, Adultery,

And Separation.

Mr. Sullivan...

When We Asked You To Repeat Sixth Grade Two Years Ago,

We Hoped That It Would Give You Time To Find Maturity,

To Get You Through A Difficult Period At Home.

Now, I'm Sure That You Can Find The Maturity Now

To Join Us In A Prayer For Your Family.

O Lord, We Ask All These Things In Your Name.

All: Amen.

Math.

Yesterday, I Asked You To Find A Practical Use

For Your New Measuring Skills--

Triangulation.

Has Everyone Done Their Homework?

All Right, Boys! Spread It Out!

I Want To See Some Positions!

Bet You'd Love To Say That To Margie, Huh?

Shut Up.

That's Her, Isn't It?

She's Right There.

Wait, Isn't That Her?

Man: Shoot, Flynn! Shoot!

Lucky Save, Sullivan.

Lucky? No, I Don't Think That Was Lucky.

You Shoot Like Your Little Sister Over There.

- Man: Sullivan! - Now I'm Gonna Go This Way.

Or Should I Go This Way?

Sullivan, It's Not A Dance Class.

How About This? How About This?

Jesus H. Christ!

Sorry, Father.

What Does The "H" Stand For?

Give Me The Ball, Anderson.

Free Kick-- White.

Donny Flynn, Back To Midfield!

Father: All Right, You're Bunching Up. You're Bunching Up.

Come On, Now. Quit Bunching Up.

Okay, You Can Go Talk To Her Now.

Go Ahead. I Got Ya.

What Are You Waiting For?

She Wants You. She Loved Your Poetry.

You Are Such An Asshole, Sullivan.

I Guess I'm Gonna Have To Do It Myself.

- Hey, Margie? - Shut Up!

- Francis-- -

- Doyle, What Are You Doing? - Nothing, Father.

Well, Do Nothing On The Bench.

Yeah, Yeah. Go Do Nothing On The Bench.

Father: Who's On Him? Who's On Him?

Boy: Come On, That Was A Foul!

Sullivan!

Man: Cut The Ball Hogging!

- Boy: Get It! -

Man: Walter, You're Toeing The Ball.

Father: Watch The Offsides!

Hi.

Hi.

Look, Uh, I Didn't Send That Note.

An Ex-Friend Of Mine Did It As A Joke.

- Oh. - I Just Wanted You To Know I Didn't Send It.

I Didn't Think You Did.

Well, I Didn't.

I'm Real Sorry.

I Mean, If I Sounded Mean Just Then.

I Was Only Mad About The Joke.