One Big Snake

- Arlo! - Cole. Cole!

Are you hurt?

Oh my God!

Honey. Cole!

Honey, can you fetch me another beer?

Cole!

Honey?

Goddammit. I gotta be Dad and mom in this place.

Adam, could you please turn that contraption down?

Your Dad's trying to drive.

- What the fuck? - Hey, language.

- I lost my game. - Good.

You're giving us a headache.

Did you forget to pay my phone bill or what?

It just cut out on me.

Must be the signal out here.

- Are you kidding? - No, sir.

No cell phone towers from this point forward,

nothing but beautiful countryside.

Great.

So, I'm gonna be bored outta my mind

until we get to the WiFi?

About the WiFi.

We actually need to talk to you about that, Adam.

Don't tell me this Airbnb has shitty internet, Dad.

Well, no, not exactly.

Thank fuck!

But, we do have a little surprise for you.

- A PlayStation 5? - No.

Something more adventurous.

See, this Airbnb is kind of a work in progress.

Okay?

Because we're actually here to renovate the place.

It's ours.

Wait, what?

Beverly's mom gifted us

this primo property as our wedding present.

It's just a little rundown. Just a little.

We thought it'd be nice

to spend the summer fixing up, together.

- Surprise! - Are you trying

to ruin my life?

We'll, have fun. Put the gadgets down for once.

What about the WiFi?

There kind of isn't any.

Nothing more consistent than after the summer.

Ask your mother.

Dad.

Look, we thought a digital detox would be good for you.

Besides, we need to spend some solid family time together.

Yeah? Well, you're not my family, so.

Hey, we all agreed we'll try to get along this summer.

Just how rundown is this place?

Home, sweet home.

Cheer up, Adam.

You'll have a good time as soon as we get started.

Absolutely. DIY is in your blood.

I guess we'll find out when I slit my wrist.

Pass my tools from the truck, would you?

I'm gonna take Bev inside.

Too slow.

Dad?

Dad?

Hello?

Jesus Christ.

Beverly?

Mm.

Holy shit!

She brought me a young one.

Dad, Dad! Dad!

Dad! Dad!

Dad! - Hey, what is it?

There's somebody living here.

What?

Adam, you better not be playing some kind of joke.

Go in that room. There's a junkie living here.

You better not be putting some PR prank on us.

Just go Look.

- Be careful, Roddy. - Yeah. Yeah.

- Mm. Greeting, friend. - I told you!

Stay back, Adam.

Something the matter?

You're trespassing. You can't be in here.

This is our house.

We are the new owners. We just bought this property.

Somebody actually bought

this rotten, old hell hole?

I am afraid you're gonna have to leave, right now.

My son here can help you pack your stuff.

You can be on your way.

Dad, I don't think he plans on going anywhere.

Your boy's right.

This place isn't much.

But, I made it pretty comfortable for myself here.

Hey, we asked you nicely,

but you just don't have a choice in this.

Sis.

What is this? I don't want your junk mail.

He had mail delivered here?

What?

- Mokay? - Mokae.

Yep. You looking at him. - Shit!

- So what? - What's wrong, Bev?

If he had mail delivered here

then he has squatters rights.

Oh, it could take us weeks,

maybe even months to get him outta here.

And a whole lot of money.

That's ridiculous.

That's the law. Don't let the door hit you on the way out.

So, can we go home now?

No. Family meeting in the kitchen right now!

Not you!

Rude.

Roddy, it is not going to be easy for us

to get this guy outta here.

I don't care if I got to go in there

and throw him out myself.

- So, can we go home now? - No, we cannot.

Oh, okay.

Maybe we can go to the local police

and they can advise us on how to handle this mess.

Wow. I was hungry until I came in here.

This will be the first one we fix up.

This is all just a minor setback. Can't we change the locks?

Honestly, I think that's illegal.

If he has mail, he has rights.

I'm calling Mike.

We're gonna sue his ass straight outta here.

Sounds expensive, Dad. Better to just cut your losses.

Okay, baby. What if we try to show this guy some kindness?

Maybe he'll see things from our side

and he'll choose to leave on his own without feeling forced.

Show him kindness? Honey, he's trespassing in our place.

Come on! It's worth a try.

Maybe if you buy him some new clothes, he'll fuck off.

Adam!

Wait, wait, wait, wait. He might be on to something.

Roddy, why don't we just offer this guy some money?

- Hell no. - Roddy, baby.

Why can't you just offer this guy a couple hundred dollars

to see if he'll leave on his own?

Goddammit. You know what?

I'm not gonna give our money away

to this homeless freak for nothing.

Baby, I think they prefer the term unhoused.

Unhoused, unhinged, whatever.

I'll pay the guy off,

but he should at least clean up behind himself.

That's only fair. Look at this place.

It's gross.

Okay, but you said that you didn't wanna hire workers

because this was supposed to be a bonding experience.

I'll offer him 100 bucks

and he'll think he hit the jackpot.

At the very least, he should clean up

behind himself before he goes.

Okay, that's worth a try.

Hey, if the bum's getting paid, then I'm getting paid.

You, shut your mouth.

- Can't the police do it? - Roddy, you can't use

physical force to remove a squatter.

It's too dangerous.

So, what? I'm stuck with this freaky son of a bitch?

Beverly's speaking sense here.

Have you tried asking them to leave?

Hmm. I hadn't thought of that one, Mike.

Jesus, this must be why you lawyers earn the big bucks.

I'm doing what I can to help out, Roddy,

but legally speaking, it sounds to me

like you're stuck with him.

Okay, I'll handle it. Thanks, anyway.

Okay.

I hate this place!

Boys will be boys, eh?

Anyway, that's our final offer.

You scratch our backs and we'll scratch yours.

Y'all look like an all right family.

Why do you want to live in an old nasty place like this?

We don't plan to.

It's gonna be our vacation house.

And when we're not here,

it'll be rented out the other families,

so don't get any ideas.

So you going to convert

this shit pit into a overpriced

tourist trap and you only gonna offer me

a lousy a hundred dollars?

I'm sorry. Aren't you homeless?

Unhoused, Roddy, unhoused people.

If you make it 500, I might be tempted by that offer,

but I do have some terms.

- Terms? - Oh, okay, okay.

Roddy, let's just hear what this man has to say.

Sure, why not?

So, you want me to clean this place after myself?

The money will help.

But do you want to know what else is useful?

- Deodorant. - No. Some extra hands.

- Some what? - Hire a few laborers