Happy Death Day

- (Horn plays badly in distance) - (Groans softly)

YOUNG MAN (In distance): Shut up!

Oh, hey. You're up.

Yeah, I wasn't sure if you, you know, wanted to...

sleep in or not, so...

Am I in a dorm room?

Uh... yeah.

Where are my clothes?

O-On the dresser.

I... folded your pants last night,

and I wasn't sure if that... material

- gets wrinkled. - Great.

Uh...

don't know if you remember my name or not.

- Uh, pretty wasted last night. - Got Tylenol?

- What? - (Groans)

My head is killing me.

Do you have any Tylenol?

Yes.

I do.

Uh, sorry.

Thanks.

I'm Carter, by the way.

Not a word of this to anyone. Got it?

Yeah. Sure.

Dude, did you hit that fine vagine or wha...

Nice one, dickhead.

(Young men whooping in distance)

Yeah, that'd be fine.

Hey.

Stop global warming? I...

- Oh. - Oh! (Laughs)

26 hours, that's all you've got?

Hey.

Hi.

You haven't... returned any of my texts.

Yeah. Sorry, I've been busy.

Yeah. I can see that.

Okay, Tim, we went on a date.

One.

I don't have to text you back.

We're not, like, a thing.

Okay. I just...

you know, I figured we had a nice time...

You had a nice time.

I was miserable.

I mean, who takes their first date to Subway?

It's not like you have a footlong.

(Pop song playing indistinctly over headphones)

Does this look infected to you?

Ew! - (Indistinct chatter)

Someone drank my kombucha.

Oh, my God.

You sneaky little beyatch.

Who was it?

: Nobody.

Sisters don't keep secrets.

- Seriously, it was nobody. - Well,

I hope "nobody" used a condom.

We don't want "somebody"

- looking like a whore. - Thanks, Danielle.

Super helpful.

What are sisters for? Oh.

And don't forget,

- house meeting at lunch. - Living for it.

Hmm.

She finally rolls in.

Did I totally embarrass myself last night?

Not at all.

Unless you consider dancing on a table, starting two fights,

and barfing pretzel chunks all over the bar embarrassing.

Please tell me you're kidding.

Oh, and you also rammed your tongue down Nick Sims' throat

right in front of Danielle.

Oh, God,

but she was so nice to me this morning.

Yeah, I think she was as drunk as you last night,

so consider it collective amnesia.

- Oh, thank God for that. - (Laughs)

Oh... crap, I'm so late for class.

Can't find my damn book.

- Ha! - (Clears throat)

Did you really think you could keep it a secret from me?

- How did you find out? - Driver's license.

Not the best picture, I might add.

- I assume you changed my ringer, too. - Who, me?

Never.

What'd you wish for?

- A new roommate. - Wench.

Uh... I made that from scratch.

Sorry. Too many carbs. Toodles.

Locomotive response

in the subject shows an acceleration

across the quantum plane.

This creates great orbital overlap

between the partially positive beta carbon...

and the partially negative hydrogen alkali group.

Get your school spirit on before the big game.

Ten percent off with your student ID.

And we still need to pick this year's charity.

I can say right now, there's no way we're doing

the Special Needs Art Fair again.

Totally freaked my shit out. Thoughts.

What's wrong?

Oh, I don't know.

What's wrong, Tree?

Nothing. Except for that cat lady buffet

you just dumped at our table.

And is that chocolate milk I see?

I missed breakfast.

What is breakfast, Becky?

- Oh! I'm sorry. - Oh, asshole!

- I'm sorry, Tree. - Wait,

you two know each other?

- Yeah, I... - No.

We had a... a class together last year.

Look, I was... bringing you this back.

Sorry, I didn't know where you lived, you know?

- I... - (Wiping hands)

Yeah.

I'm sorry again about the... the mess.

What a douchebag.

MAN (Over P.A. system): Dr. Lawrence to outpatient services.

Dr. Lawrence to outpatient services.

Lori. Hi.

Hi.

Um... so, I thought you only worked nights.

Doing a double for Jen. She has the flu.

- That's nice of you. - So, I guess I don't need to ask

what you're doing here.

Gotta go.

Look, Tree...

it's none of my business,

but... I think something like this

is bound to have some pretty serious consequences.

You're right.

It is none of your business.

: Dr. Surd and Dr. Margolan, 2476.

Dr. Surd and Dr. Margolan, 2476.

We can't do this today... there's too much

going on in the building.

I have patients.

And I'm losing mine.

- (Knocking, door rattling) Gregory?

- Hey. - Hey, sweetie.

What's with the door?

Oh, stupid thing got jammed. Oh, just wrapping up here.

Have you met my student, Teresa?

No. I haven't.

Hi. It's nice to meet you.

Thank you so much for helping me out.

This is a nice surprise.

JENELLE (On TV): Nathan's been acting

really strange since our big fight,

and this morning he drove to Atlanta

for a last-minute business meeting

- about opening a new gym. - (Knocking) - Enter.

Which is weird, because I've never heard anything

about it before.

But I'm trying not to let that bring me down.

- Is that my top? - How cute is it on me?

Whatever. Just don't get anything on it, please.

You mean like Nick's Nutter Butter?

Wow. How's he, Danielle?

What time you going to the party tonight?

I don't know. Later.

Our tuition dollars at work.

- (Power whirrs on) - Anyhoo...

don't be too late, or all the cute Sigma boys will be taken.

Okay. Bye-ee.

- Bye-ee. Who took my hairdryer?

: Crazy bitch.

: Teresa, it's Dad.

I sat in that restaurant waiting for you

for over an hour.

I can't believe you would do this to me,

- (People shouting, whooping) - today of all days.

- Whoo! - Oh, yeah!

- (Laughter) - How you feel, baby!

Hey, come on!

(Young woman whoops in distance)

(Music box playing "Happy Birthday to You")