Swashbuckler

I think he's a pirate. I think they've got a black one.

Send two more bunches, not too ripe, before Sunday.

Me pleasure, Mr. Culverwell.

Did Mr. Durant like them? I sent him yesterday.

- Would I be back today if not? - Thank you, sir.

Thank you and Lord Durant.

- What they doin' there? - Stringin' up another pirate.

Get your bleeding foot out of my ear.

Give us a hand here!

Get them slops out of here.

Put on that line. Hold still.

- Corporal, the orders! - Sir. Yes, sir.

No, Corporal, read it. Read it!

Oh. Yes, sir.

''I, James Durant,

''in my capacity as acting Governor and acting Lord High Justice,

do hereby decree that at dawn on the morrow--''

- We're a bit tardy, sir. - Never mind.

- Get to the gist of it before we're obsolete. - Yes, sir.

"That the malefactor, one Nick Debrett,

"will be hanged from the neck until dead.

"And he shall be left to hang until carrions...

"shall reduce his body to bones.

"For the moral benefit to the people...

"by their witnessing the execution...

"and rotting of the body, the people thereby deriving...

-"...a useful lesson in duty and obedience," -Bastards.

"and a strong admonition to repentance...

"from the heavy hand of justice so near their streets.

"Signed James Durant, acting Governor...

and acting Lord High Justice."

Very good, Corporal. Let us proceed!

I find no prayer for a pirate, Major.

I stayed up all night searching,

but the closest I could find was something by Peter... for fishermen.

That should do nicely. Please, carry on.

Has he lived a religious life, sir?

No matter.

He shall die a religious death. Proceed!

''I shall cast my net out into the sea.

The fish caught in that net are the fish of the Lord--''

Fine. Now if the chaplain is finished.

Y-Yes, sir.

Check the trapdoor, Corporal.

- Now. - Yes, sir.

The hood, sir.

The man's a pirate, not a prince. Let the drums sound!

All right.

Cinch up, Polonski! There's work to be done.

- Sir? - Not another word, Corporal.

- But, sir! - Corporal!

Not one more word.

That'll teach you, Durant!

Blow 'em to hell!

That a lads!

- What ship is that? - The Blarney Cock, Willard.

Pretty as a picture she is too. Beg pardon, sir.

Tell Lord Durant I'll send him the very best.

Corporal! Return their fire!

Return their fire!

That a way, lads.

Let's give 'em one more, for Nick Debrett!

- Why don't they fire? - The guns were for ornamentation, sir.

It was to be a hanging, not a firing squad.

Fire four!

Fire three!

Sweet Jesus!

- Clear the port tops'l. - Lower the mast!

There's two men! Fire on them.

Somebody fire on them!

Soldier, stay and fight! Where's your heart, man?

Steady as she goes, my friend.

Steady as she goes!

Now you got it.

What the devil?

Thank you, Ned.

Lift sail!

Give 'em one more, boys. Fire at will.

Yeah!

I'll see you hang, Ned Lynch!

And by my own hand!

Major,

I think it will have to be by a very long rope!

You there, stand!

There's been a problem at the hanging.

Major Folly has allowed the pirate prisoner to escape.

That stupid, stupid blundering fool!

I entrust him with a simple execution, and this is how he shows his thanks.

By losing the prisoner altogether!

He was taken right off the gallows...

from under Major Folly's nose by the crew of the Blarney Cock,

and, of course, Captain Ned Lynch.

Of course it would be Ned Lynch.

Damn his common soul!

If I ever see him, he will die.

Stop the carriage at the entrance. Take out the prisoner.

It's Sir James Barnet, the Lord Chief Justice, in chains, sir.

The former Lord Chief Justice.

Have him taken to the gymnasium.

Am I to stand here all day, Lord Durant?

Sir James, how good of you to come.

You will excuse me, I trust,

if I continue with my practice while we speak.

I have so little time for the pleasures in life.

You'll understand, I'm sure.

I trust you've not suffered discomfort, Sir James.

Is that why you had me brought here in chains?

To inquire as to whether they are a proper fit?

I never really thought of myself as a cruel man,

only a clever one.

But not clever enough to deceive the people of Kingston.

The people, Durant! Not your lackeys and hired assassins.

En garde.

You must understand, Sir James, that you are merely a pawn.

A rebellious one, to be sure, but a pawn all the same.

And I must remove you from the playing board.

To rape the people.

That's a harsh description. I think of it as payment due.

- Payment for what? - For the years I've suffered on these filthy islands.

For the hours I've had to endure such insufferable...

righteous bores such as yourself, Sir James!

All that is insufferable, Lord Durant, is you.

My only failure has been in not being able to expose you...

and the wickedness you represent.

Hear this, sir. As sure as I stand before you now...

others will come, and you shall not succeed, but die,

and men shall dance on your grave.

You are in no position to make threats, Sir James.

Unlock these chains and I'll do far more than that!

You will do nothing but what I direct you to do.

I grow weary of this debate and tired of the sight of you.

My final words are thus:

All your lands and property are forfeit to the crown.

Your dear wife and daughter can find a new home...

in whatever slum appeals to them.

And you, Sir James,

shall be removed at once to the fortress.

There to serve a sentence for a length of time that suits my pleasure.

Fine. Over to the second wagon, please.

Second wagon. Second.

You men, bring horses from the stables.

Put that in the third wagon.

Handle that carefully!

Careful with Sir James' headboard.

Lord Durant's headboard.

Careful, private, careful.

This is no picnic. Keep your men moving there.

Straighten your belt. Stand up straight, young man.

Guards, attention!

Madam, I will have to examine your bags.

- You will do nothing of the kind. - I have my orders.

Damn your orders.

Lady Barnet, I apologize for the inconvenience,

but it will be necessary for you to do as requested.

I will cut them off if you persist.

However, I think it is safe to assume that Lady Barnet and her daughter...

would not attempt to deceive us...

by secreting valuable cargo in their valises.

- Don't you think? - Well, sir--

- You agree, do you not? - Certainly, sir.

Right, then. Let the women pass...

and let the coach leave unmolested.

- You two take this to the first wagon. - Not there!

- There! In my coach! - Not there!

There, in the major's coach.

Corporal, proceed!

Proceed!

There was a young lady...

from Malta...

who swooned on the boat to Gibraltar.

Though she lost her virginity in that vicinity,

she still made her way to the altar.

Ahh, yes.

There once was a lady named Starkie...

who had an affair with a darkie.

The result of her sins was quadruplets,

not twins,

one black, one white, two khaki.

I once went to bed with a Quaker.

In the morning, I just couldn't wake her.

So I sauntered away and I spent the whole day...

with a lovely young thing from Jamaica.

Ahh.

Hmm.

There was a young girl whose frigidity-- What?

Nick.

I feel a tremblin' beneath my spine. I think it's a coach.

Two horses--

No, four horses,

one black, one white, and two khaki.

Hey yup!

Hey yup! Hey yup!

There was a young girl whose frigidity--

That's right, go on.

Approached cataleptic rigidity.

Till he gave her a drink which she quickly would sink--

In a state of complacent liquidity.

Hurry it up, Nick!

Hey yup! Hey yup!

Hey yup!