The Office

All right? Just another normal day at the office.

Just a normal day, innit?

What? What are you laughing at?

He's mad. Obviously, red nose day.

It's always a good laugh. Keith? This is the sort of thing...

ali g? Ali keith!

Gareth, come here. Normal day, normal office. What are you doing?

I'm going to hop everywhere. I'm sponsored.

That's the sort of thing we'll be doing today.

We raised quite a lot last time, didn't we?

It is comic relief and we're raising money for people who are starving to death.

If I make people laugh while I'm saving lives, sue me, but...

do it.

Boyakasha.

That's an accountant and that's the boss encouraging it! Is this normal?

I've got the "slough gazette" coming down.

- What time are they coming? - Five-ish.

- They'll love us. - It's just me.

- We can all be in it. - Not really.

- They'll love us. - Stop trying to worm into my photo.

Everyone's joining in. This young lady... ooh, a bit saucy.

Selling kisses for the lads... or any ladies who like that...

I don't think there are any here, and if there are, good luck to them.

- It's different for girls. Lower risk. - Erotic.

Well, not in this case. I mean, it's not a sexual day. It's er...

- here's the man. Finchy! - Brentmeister!

Kisses for a quid. It's a good cause. Do you mind kissing me on the nose?

- No. Put your quid in. - Ok. Kiss me on the nose!

What do I get for a tenner? Squeal, piggy, squeal!

- No. I'm not that desperate. - Who says famine has to be depressing?

Don't get me wrong. I've got nothing against it, it's a good cause,

but I don't want to join in with someone else's idea of wackiness.

If you see someone collecting for cancer research because they've been affected by it

or an old bloke selling poppies, there's a dignity about it - a quiet dignity.

No. Come on, guys, leave it.

Leave it. Please!

And that's what today's all about - dignity.

No! No!

Always dignity.

Bastard! My wife and kids are gonna see those!

There's people watching going, "oi, brent! Why are you bothering with comic relief?

"There's still people starving." That's why I'm still doing it. You should too.

Probably put a number up there, shall we? If people want to make donations.

I hear people go, "the money just goes to hungry foreigners." not true.

A lot of it stays in this country and goes to home-grown problems...

aka the disableds. A lot of money goes to these fellas.

Not to you. You don't need it, you're working.

If you do claim for it, that's up to you, as long as you don't abuse the system.

- A lot of them are. - What do you mean?

People abuse the system.

- Ensure people who say they're crippled... - disabled.

...actually are... - disabled.

You think people pretend to be disabled to claim money off the dss?

- I think there should be tests. What tests?

Stick pins in their legs, see if they react.

I have feeling in my legs. I just can't walk.

- I'm just saying there should be tests. - We're all ears.

I dunno. When they go down the dss to make a claim,

they should set off a fake fire alarm so everyone legs it, leaving them there.

If they're fake, they'll be running with you. If not, they'll be screaming for help.

Then you come back in and say, "don't cry. You've passed. Here's your money."

Spend it on one of those little blue cars or whatever...

it's just one idea.

So...

she's joining in with it. Do you want to put this nose on?

- No, I don't. - It's up to you. Her own decisions.

Gareth, you know I'm doing kisses for a pound too.

- I wouldn't pay you if you were. - I'll put your pound in.

- So you can kiss me. - I wouldn't kiss you if you paid me.

I am paying. It's quite simple. As it's for charity, I need to just get...

- why are you such a bender? - I'm just...

get off! I'm not kissing you. You are such a pervert!

- It feels good, though. - Get off! I hope you're getting all this.

I hope your girlfriend knows or she'll get a big surprise.

Is that your big surprise? I've found his big surprise. All right. Ok.

- Flipping heck. - You take things too far.

All right. Don't get so het up about it.

Ha ha! Hoo! Hah!

That was one way. I didn't kiss him back.

He's funny. He's a funny bastard.

- Pass it back. - You got it?

Yep. You got it.

Gather round, everybody. We've got a surprise for you.

- Remember where we were in that game. - Sheila? Nice costume. You look fantastic.

Please give a big warm welcome to the fantastic neil godwin and the lovely rachel.

Ok. It's that time again.

We've both suffered for our art here, please suffer with us and give generously.

Thanks. Jennifer, could you do the honours?

# 0h, girl, I've known you very well I've seen you growing every day

# I've never really looked before but now you take my breath away

# suddenly you're in my life a part of everything I do

# you got me working day and night jiust trying to keep a hold on you

# here in your arms I found my paradise

# my only chance for happiness

# and if I lose you now I think I would die

# 0h, say you'll always be my baby we can make it shine

# we can take forever jiust a minute at a time

# more than a woman

# baby more than a woman to me... #

# my baby moves at midnight

# goes right on till the dawn

# my woman takes me higher

# my woman keeps me warm

that looks gay.

# What you doin' on your back? Aah

# what you doin' on your back? Aah

# you should be dancing, yeah

# dancing, yeah... #

thank you very much. You can add that to yours.

Cheers. I've already raised more than that. £300 we did last time.

If you wanted dancing, you should have come to me.

- Do you dance? - Big time. Yeah.

More modern steps than that. I've fused "flashdance" with mc hammer shit.

- All right. Show us your moves. - No, there's no beat.

- Come on! - He had music.

Well... just for charity, I'll do a little bit.

# Do do do-do do dah... #

- so... that's... - great, david.

- Give me a bit of warning... - we have to give a donation for that?

All the money collected is for both dances - both excellent dances in their way.

Mine was impromptu, but I don't think you should get extra points for that.

Make your own minds up. Leave me out of it. It's for charity.

You've seen me entertain and raise money. Maybe I'd like to do that for a living.

Use my humour and my profile to both help and amuse people.

And if it's ideas for tv shows - game shows or whatever - I'm your man.

I'm exploring that avenue with my management training,

but I'd like to do that on a global scale.

It's not, "look at me. I'm entertaining whilst saving lives. Aren't I brilliant?"

It's going, "if you think I'm brilliant,

"help save these guys who are starving, but are also brilliant."

Not as entertainers. A lot of them can't speak english.

Don't give them a game show, but save them from dying at least.

Then maybe they can do something in their own country

on television or whatever they have... the wireless.

Give them a job on the world service or something.

We're from the local mental hospital. Is gareth keenan here? He's escaped.

- He is mental. - Here's my crew.

Kisses for a quid. Yes.

My mad mates. That's all we need.

- Sorry about this. My mad mates. - Er... well...

- they finally came to take you away! - Are you mad as well?

- Guilty! - He's the boss.

- Give us a job. - I've already got one reprobate.

Jimmy the perv and the oggmonster.

What's the weather like up there? Your parents put you in a gro-bag?

- "Let's grow a lanky, goggle-eyed freak!" - No need to get offensive.

- I didn't call you fatty. - All right...

don't have a go at the eyes, because that's astigmatism I've had from the age of five.

That's what makes them a bit bulbous.

- I didn't call you whale man. - But I don't call myself the mong boy.

- The oggmonster. - I'm not calling you that.

- That's my name. - What's your real name?

- Nathan. - It's a good name. I'll call you nathan.

I didn't call you fatty! What's the matter with him?

I've got a sponsorship form for comic relief. I wanted to enter into the spirit.

Gents, sorry to interrupt. Would you sponsor me?

I have to hide as many of gareth's possessions as I can from him.

- What? - Hiding gareth's belongings.