The Chaser's War on Everything

APPLAUSE

Oh, very good evening. Where have you been?

Right around Australia. Welcome to the walk for another week,

as we say goodbye to the football season for another year.

Yes, and a very big congratulations to the Jolom cats

and the Melbourne storm for their premiership victories over the weekend.

And Craig, I always love the celebrations at a grand final, yeah?

You know, when the teams see how much expensive champagne they can waste?

Oh, OK, nice with the stuff.

Oh, great waste. And what I reckon,

there's a very unfortunate copycat effect, like I was out at dinner,

on Saturday night, and the familiar thought that was the proper way

to serve the bottle of champagne at a restaurant meal.

I didn't know what had hit me.

I poured a date, copped it everywhere.

I was trying to impress that girl on the date.

You know, that is what I call Australia in that behaviour.

That should be part of the citizenship test, Chris.

Oh, yes, this is that new test that started this week,

where aspiring citizens have to pass a quiz

now about Australian values and history.

Yeah, so I've seen some of the questions,

and it's pretty basic stuff, things like,

what date is Australia day, what date is Anzac day,

what's a good date to Chakrasiki, you know?

It's a good call.

Poor Australian value. Exactly.

And you need to answer 12 out of 20 questions

correctly to become an Aussie citizen.

I understand it.

Oh, yeah, we're sitting above pretty high.

And I've got a feeling, though,

because apparently most of the migrants that set up this week passed.

But I've got a feeling Australians probably wouldn't pass that test.

Yeah, I think you could be right, Chris.

When what year did the European settlement of Australia start?

1902.

I don't know if it was the 70s or 60s on my shoulder.

It was moment of 60s and 1970s.

They've been here for about 2000, maybe years, yeah?

Who was the first Prime Minister of Australia?

Um, Whiplon, I think it would have been.

Um, was it at Porqueting? Was it?

Which day of the year is Australia day?

February or something.

Isn't that February?

What day?

Hmm. Um, is it a Wednesday?

What's the population of Australia?

Oh, 3 billion, 3 million.

I don't know.

I have no idea there's too many people to count.

Uh, well, in Australia and citizens,

there wouldn't be many.

It's all over populated by New Australia.

So it's not really Australia.

It's Europe isn't it?

Hmm, you're welcome there.

They call us the Cloth of the Country and America.

So, do, um, having seen that,

Eric and Rob should start up a new TV show.

So, are you smarter than a migrant just off the boat?

That's what I love about this country, too.

We'll deport a highly qualified doctor like Muhammad Hanif.

But someone like this, well, he gets to stay.

Um, is it a Wednesday?

LAUGHTER

Elsewhere this week, there was a, um,

there was a story about Australia's rental crisis

and just how difficult and competitive it's getting

for renters to find a place to live now.

Yeah, there was one flat on the weekend

that a hundred people turned up to wanting to rent.

It's a really desperate market out there.

It is, and everyone's dropping their standards

just to get a roof over their heads

that they can actually afford.

But how unfussy are they prepared to be?

We put out the open for inspection sign

on the weekend to see just how desperate renters have become.

It's quite a big sort of spacious house.

If you're coming here,

uh, this is the room.

LAUGHTER

Really?

It is, it's not as bad as it looks.

That's an interesting offer.

So, where would I put my stuff?

Well, you got shelf space.

Um, like clothes.

It might be a, there's some towels hooks there.

We use this as a bedroom so, and that is just come,

that's just become free.

So you could sleep in the laundry.

And also both like 95 bucks a week, right?

Yep.

Give it a go.

See, that's the hot water, you know,

that keeps you fairly warm and winter inside for us.

Good day, Al.

Um, um,

OK.

OK, go.

Sorry.

OK.

This doesn't happen that often, like, he,

he wouldn't do that if he were sleeping.

This is the room, this would be your bedroom.

You could always put a second bed in if you wanted to,

if you wanted to have someone over or sublet.

Oh, so yeah, now it's a bit of a hazard.

You've got to watch that.

This one's for lease at the moment.

For 90 bucks, very airy.

Unlike under the stairs,

this one's got some people's head too much here.

Rains a bit of an issue,

but you just sort of, we can put up some cardboard

or just sleep with an umbrella.

This bed's $120 a week.

You'd have to share the bed with, yeah, the other George

and, um,

million my girlfriend.

So it's sort of four in the bed.

I want you to consider that.

No?

Well, let's know about that.

You know, I'm going to make a fucking Rebecca bedtime.

You would stay clean though.

You would take an Asian or something,

but they were famed, but...

I can't, I can't just show you.

Oh, try sleep.

What sort of looks like this?

Oh, bad.

I need to sort of suck.

Really?

Time, man.

My back is shit already, so...

Good luck with the search and, yeah,

let us know if you want.

Yeah, we can make more.

I still consider it though.

I got this one, but...

Yeah, maybe the shade of the laundry.

Yeah.

Great.

That's better.

LAUGHTER

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Now, Chaz,

the regular viewers of this show will have noticed

that we are slightly obsessed by Persian rug warehouses

on this show.

We love a good carpet clearance.

We do.

The thing about carpet cleanses...

Somebody say carpet cleanses!

There's a lot of that.

There's a guy over there.

No, the character war for the next year or go, buddy.

I mean, what we really like about rug warehouses is not him,

it's over the top marketing.

You know, you're talking unbelievable, big discount.

It's closing down sales, it's in the last forever.

It's like closing down sales,

it's like, having gone up attention yet, buddy.

That's right, never to be repeated priceless,

repeated week after week.

But Chaz, it has come to my attention

that there are some rug sellers out there

who are letting the side down.

They're selling rugs,

but they're not using the cliched sales hype.

That is tantamount to heresy in the carpet wheelchair.

Tell me about it, mate.

They're way out of line,

so I decided to do it, get things right,

and do it by the book by launching a crackdown.

It's, look, good day, Julian,

from rug warehouse inspections.

Just, no, just, sir, your store.

Yeah.

You don't appear to have any signage up in this store?

Well, there's no sale.

You mean the rug industry, sir?

It's important that you do have a sale on at the moment.

Within a business, there's $9.52.

Yeah, that's right.

And how long have that time have you been closing down?

We've never closed down.

You never, you don't close down, obviously.

But your client has been.