Landmine Goes Click

[Overlapping chatter in different languages]

And we're listening to this because...

It's the only show in town.

That's nice for him.

He's got a completely captive audience.

I wonder what he's saying.

People of earth, do not be afraid.

Assimilation is painless.

Yeah, but probing not so much.

Hey, we could use my phone to play some music.

There is no auxiliary.

- Well, shit. -

- Indeed. - We will live.

I will not.

I need a quick stop, okay?

- - Whoo.

That good, huh?

Did you think about what I said?

Yes. I think it's a mistake.

What, what we did, or...

What we did doesn't matter anymore, okay?

But telling him about it does.

- Yeah, it does. - So we say nothing.

What, what do you think, I wanna tell him

Just to break you guys up?

Should I?

You know this place used to be a warzone

A couple years ago.

A warzone, really?

- Huh. - Yeah, tanks, artillery,

Mines, the whole deal.

What was it, like a civil war?

Russians invaded.

Shocker.

Fucking Russians, man, they just don't get it, nobody likes them.

I mean seriously, name one good thing

To come out of Russia other than, like,

Really hot girl tennis players.

- - Vodka.

- Yeah, there's that. - Vodka?

The swedes make better vodka,

Shit, even the French make better vodka.

Oil and gas.

- What? - The Russians,

They make oil and gas.

They don't make oil and gas,

They have oil and gas.

Yeah, right, it's not like

Anyone said wow, this Russian oil is so much better than that

- watered down Saudi shit. - Hold up,

Let me get my bearings.

- Are we on course? - Yeah, I think we are.

I give you the AK-47.

- When you absolutely... -

Positively gotta kill

Every motherfucker in the room,

Accept no substitutes.

- - That's a good point.

You shouldn't have seen that.

It's kind of sad, really, you know, the Russians,

I thought they... I thought they wanted to be free.

- Be good. - Be like us.

All I know is you never trust someone

That comes from a country that's successful with chess.

Yeah, you all right?

- Come on. - I'm all right.

All right, there you go.

- All right? - Up, all right.

- It's good, thank you. -

- You're welcome. -

What?

- No... - Oh, my God.

How do you like them apples, huh?

- Aw, man, dude. -

Chris, will you marry us?

- Now? - Yeah.

- Come on, come on. - What?

- Let's do it. - Shouldn't we save it?

Put your bags... babe, we have the whole ceremony

To make it official, this is, like, between us,

Friends, family, it's all that matters, right?

Yeah, but I just...

- I wouldn't know what to say, so. - Just put your...

Screw it, I will help you.

Yes, okay, yes, he's right.

- I'm sorry. -

- So, I say what... - L-ladies and gentlemen,

- we are gathered here today. - Right

Ladies and gentlemen,

We are gathered here today to celebrate

The marriage of Daniel and Alicia.

Wedding is a sacred institution.

Yeah, marriage is a sacred institution

And it should not be taken lightly.

And we're not, so let's skip forward to the good part.

So, Daniel, do you take Alicia?

Daniel, do you take Alicia

To be your lawfully wedded wife?

For rich, poor, sick and in good health

So long as you both shall live?

- I do. - I do.

- - This is stupid.

- What? - This is stupid,

You know, I mean, you guys are...

Doing your thing and it makes me feel, like, I just, I don't want to, okay?

- What, what is wrong, man? - Nothing, nothing.

Nothing's wrong, I just, you know, you guys have your fun,

I got... I gotta set up camp

And, you know, we're losing light, so just...

I know something's wrong.

- And I wanna know what. - Hmm?

Chris.

Nothing.

- I'm fine, it's nothing. -

- Okay. - It's all good.

Now, Chris, Chris, so, look, I'm your best friend, okay?

You don't think I know when something's up your ass?

Huh? Spill it.

Yeah, all right, fine,

There's something that I gotta tell you.

It's... I'm... I'm sorry, okay?

You know, you guys are getting married

- and I should be happy, but... - But what?

- Because I... - So what, so... so, wh...

No, no, no, no, no, so, you think,

You think we're gonna have couples dinners without you?

You think we're gonna go antiquing

And... and... and rent a tandem bike

And ride around town in matching outfits?

You asshole.

And... I'm gonna set you up...

With so many hot girlfriends.

So many hot girlfriends. So many.

I hate antiquing. It's not happening.

- All right. - Okay,

To my best man.

- Cheers. - Cheers.

- Whoa, wooo. -

- - Okay.

- You okay? - All right,

There's a possibility I may be drunk.

Maybe just a little bit.

- All right, bedtime. Come on. - No, no, no, no, no.

Guys, there's actually, there's something I really do

Need to tell you. It's, um... um...

I now pronounce you man and wife.

- Really? - Yeah, really, so go ahead,

Kiss the bride if you think you got it in you.

Well, I'm gonna attempt to.

- Babe. - Okay, I'm drunk,

But I'm not that drunk.

Da da da-da, da da da-da,

- there ya go, good job, buddy. - I can do it by myself.

- Good-night, Chris. - Good-night, buddy.

See you in the morning, okay?

- Yes. - Oh, yeah.

- Oh, thank God. - Get in here.

- -

- Mm. Babe, what the heck? - We gotta consummate our vows.

- Close the thing. - Ugh.

Okay, it's closed.

- He can hear us. - We can be quiet.

We can be quiet.

Oh, fuck.

- Hey, what are you doing, pal? - Hey, whoa. Stop, help, help!

You're stealing our stuff, asshole.

I'm not stealing. I'm Devi.

- Davie, who's Davie? - Help!

- Why you stealing? - Not Davie, Devi!

I'm friend of Alicia and Daniel.

I'm park ranger, get out!

- Hey, what's wrong? - Devi!

- He's going through your packs. - What the hell happened?

He's going through your packs, he's stealing your stuff.

Yeah, he was getting my camera so I didn't have

- To climb back up. - I was gonna introduce you guys,

But it looks like you already met.

Yo, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, man, I'm... I'm Chris.

- Devi. - .

- You okay? - . I'm fine.

- It's okay, Chris. - Okay.

- I would do same. - Okay.

All right.

Devi works with us at the red cross.

First aid instructor.

You can relax now, okay?

No damage.

Okay.

- Thank you. -

Come and take a snapshot, three of you together.

- Yeah. - Nice background.

- Okay, cool, yeah. - Yeah, that'd be nice.

Do you know how to work an sir?

Of course.

Let me just... Let me do this.

- I had him, right? - .

I mean, he got on top, but I think I had it.

- Yeah, easily. - That was a reversal, yes.

- So, go over there. - Okay.