Peep Show

Plus it was so cold and wet and boring in the outfield.

I don't think I've ever seen a ball that slippery.

It was a difficult catch, Mark. I wouldn't worry. And it's just softball.

'This is it. All systems are go.

'The apple is ripe, the cross hairs are centralised.'

Soph, I was... wondering.

Do you... like Indonesian food?

Erm, Thai, I quite like...

'I can't do it. It's too much. I'm not American. I can't... date.

'Restaurant on a barge? I might as well propose.

'The pub. That's the English way.'

Why?

Oh, just... Nothing.

Everyone's going to the pub. You want to...?

The work gang? I don't think so. Mind if I get changed?

Oh, no, no. Not at all.

'Oh, my God. She's taking off her top.

'This is very promising. Or is it...?

'Would she do this if she fancied me?

'Maybe we're... Oh, God, no, no.

'We're only bloody friends! '

And she gave me a peck on the cheek. It's a nightmare!

- Mm-hm. - I've got to close the deal,

ask her out without asking her out.

One step forward, two steps back - that's the key.

- Mm. Yeah. - So how was your day?

Oh, fine. Kind of weird.

Mum rang to say that my Uncle Ray is a bit ill.

- Yeah? Is it serious? - Dunno.

He's in the hospice so I guess he's being looked after.

Hospice? You... Jez, you know what a hospice is, don't you?

Like a hospital but nicer.

A hospice is where people go to... Who... are terminally ill.

Oh. Right.

Yeah, Mum said he was... what you said.

I'm sure he'll be fine. He's not a quitter.

Well, I have to say, probably not, mate.

Probably not.

No, he won't quit. Do you know what I fancy now? Some Good Life.

Where's more Good Life?

- '? Sail away, sail away...? ' - Are you going to give him a call?

Ray? No. No.

He'll have people calling him night and day, probably sick of it.

I thought probably best to give him some peace and quiet.

- (Woman on TV) '... inside... ' - You should call him.

'My stomach's in my mouth and I think, "This isn't good."'

Good to see you, Uncle Ray. What you been up to?

Mostly I've been lying in bed taking painkillers.

Right. Cool.

'Jesus, that wasn't very friendly. At least I came.'

So, Ray,

Jez tells me you worked on the force.

That's right, Mark. 30 years.

Blimey.

So must be nice getting a bit of support from your police mates.

The force. You can trust the force, can't you?

- Yeah. - (Jez) 'What's this?

'This is meant to be my visit. He's hijacking my visit.'

Mostly they just eat me wine gums...

'Come on, say something. Something not about dying. Something inspiring.'

Yeah.

People can be so funny when it comes to illness, can't they?

I mean, it's good that you, you know...

Yeah, that's the one upside of this whole thing.

Rediscovered that little guy with the crown of thorns and the big old heart.

Yeah, that's really...

a great thing to have, a faith.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

'That's nice. Ray's such a nice guy.

'What a shame everything he believes is total rubbish.'

OK, well, thanks for calling, Mum.

OK, I will. Bye.

Has it...?

- Ray's dead. - Oh, man, I'm sorry.

Uncle Ray.

Football, ciggies.

He was gonna make me a bow and arrow that could go through a dustbin.

He never did, of course, but... wow.

Shall I... turn over?

Yeah. Maybe some Newsnight or something.

I mean, I wish... maybe the family could come together.

We could campaign against...

or for something.

Maybe a foundation. The Ray Foundation,

- for Christians and coppers. - That's a nice idea.

Something positive's got to come out of all this.

- Something. - (? Dance music on TV)

- (Hairdryer roaring) - I guess I just need some comfort.

Why does it have to happen?

Why does death happen?

Shit, I don't even know which day the binmen come.

'This is pretty low. Milking Uncle Ray to get a...

'Hey, I'm feeling bad. Why not get some nooky out of it? '

I just feel so alone, you know?

Sure. It's like after Tony left, I thought, "This is it, everything's over."

But then I thought, "Hey, no, sort it out."

- Buy a juicer. - Right. But Toni...

- (Doorbell) - You'd better go.

Classified dates can be uptight about times.

Go. But I really feel that tonight, I need someone to...

Jeremy, this is a hot one.

He's six foot, he loves movies and walks, and we totally clicked on the phone.

'How can she be this heartless to someone who's as upset as I say I am?

'Maybe I am as upset as I say I am, it's just coming out weird.'

Toni, listen, nothing could make me feel better about Ray's death.

- Except maybe one thing could. - (Doorbell)

Look, Jeremy, death happens, people die. Move on.

My dad died when I was three but it didn't screw me up.

'Right.'

I don't waste my life looking for a man to fill a dad-shaped hole.

'It's perfect. Big social occasion but no invites.

'It's not a date but it is.

'What if it all goes right, though?

'What about my massive, freakish balls? Don't get ahead of yourself.'

- Hey, Soph. - Hey, Mark, how's it going?

Well, actually, things have been a bit tough.

- Jeremy's uncle passed away yesterday. - Oh, no.

- Oh, that is difficult. Is he OK? - Yeah, bearing up.

But listen, Sophie, I wanted to ask you,

might you be free on Friday?

- For the funeral? - The funeral?

'Oh, no, shit. It's not perfect, it's cracked. Piss.'

You don't have to. I just thought it might be nice if...

No, I'd be honoured. If you want a friend to go, then...

No, no, not friend. No. As a kind of... date.

I thought afterwards, if you like, we could go somewhere.

- Won't there be a wake? - Somewhere like the wake.

Sure. Great. Erm, er, if that's OK, I'm invited?

That's the beauty. No invites at a funeral.

Right.

"As Jonno let rip with the stolen Kalashnikov

"and Squarehead fired off a round of monkey puzzler,

"I looked at the towel-head I'd slotted..."

'Where did they get this guy? This is a freak show.

'Why am I even here? Why is she here? '

"I didn't stop to think about it long. We all get slotted sometime."

Thanks, Keith.

Scorpio Patrol, Real Life Behind Enemy Lines.

One of my brother's favourites.

Now, whilst no one would suggest that the faith Ray claimed to find

in those last weeks was only a product...

'I'm glad we stopped going to Liz's for Christmas.

"'Thanks for the Fairtrade nuts, Auntie."

'She's loving this. What a stitch-up.'

Now, in the humanist ceremony at this point,

we like to encourage anyone who wants to share a thought or memory

or reflection about my brother, to speak up.

'Words... coming.'

'Hey, yeah. OK. The sympathy vote.'

'I'm gonna blow this gaff wide open.'

Er, yeah.

I spent some time with Ray before he... went.

And I just wanted to say that I think we should all remember

that Ray, by the end, he loved Jesus.

Now, I know, Liz, there's no proof for Jesus,

but then there's no proof for lots of things

like... science or... the stock market.

And we believe in them.

Look, what I'm trying to say is that, if I was dying, and I decided that

even though I'd never particularly been into, say...

Enya before

but that now I really, really was into Enya

and that in fact I thought Enya was great

and that Enya died for our sins

and I wanted an Enya-themed funeral

with pictures of Enya and lots and lots of mentions of... Enya,

then I think it would be a bit bloody rich for my sister

to ban all mention of Enya from my funeral.

Yeah?

'Well done, Jez, old mate. You did him proud.

'(Tuts) Oh, poor Ray.

'He's in there,

'in that cardboard box.

'I can't believe it.

'Shit! This just gets better and better.'

Yeah, I guess it just came from in here.

Or maybe...

- up there? - Ah, yes.

Yeah?

- Here's to God! - (AIl) To God.

- Can I get you anything? - No, I'm OK.

I'll be fine. I've got to be strong for Jeremy.

He was great, wasn't he? Moments like this make you realise how short life is.

Right. One minute we're alive, the next we're dead.

Sometimes we're so wrapped up in the nonsense of life.

Right, yeah.

I mean, if I want an Xbox, why don't I just get an Xbox?

- Yeah. - 'You're losing her.'

It's a brief candle.

A bloody brief candle.

Yep.

Sophie...

c-can I say how beautiful you look?

- Thank you, Mark. - Can...

Can I kiss you, Sophie?

'Oh, my God. Umm...

'What about my abnormal knackers?

'Ooh, this is nice. How weird are they?