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Best friends, best friends...

Ah.

I never thought I'd miss it.

How come I'm not best friends with anyone in the group?

Aw!

Don't patronize me.

Oh.

Just letting the students know

that if you're on campus this weekend,

you'll have to park on the street

because of the carnival.

On an unrelated note, I'm into trains now.

A real carnival?

Is the company called red beard's amusements?

Name rings a bell.

But with me, that could mean anything.

I wonder.

I have an ex-boyfriend that travels with a carnival.

I'm sorry, Britta.

Some things are funny because they make no sense.

And that is not one of them.

Well, it looks like my news has incited some doings.

And if that's not my job, what is?

Choo choo!

Well, you're also supposed to--

Eh. Administrate the school.

So, Britta, tell us about your carnival worker boyfriend.

Why, so you all can get a big laugh?

- Yeah. - I'd love to have a laugh.

The exact reason.

Fine. I'm not ashamed of my past.

And if it entertains you guys,

that's great because we're friends.

His name is Blade and...

What? Oh, no, Britta!

She invoked friendship to undercut the laugh,

and we're still laughing. That's how funny it is!

His name is Blade. Is that legal?

Shouldn't new line cinema be suing him?

He was called that before that stupid movie.

He was called that before the fantastic movie.

And it was a marvel comic in 1973.

Well, nerd alert.

Well, ex-boyfriend named Blade alert.

Her love life makes Pierce seem with it.

Her pain unifies us.

She has the king Arthur of bad taste in men.

I'm glad you guys are reacting this way.

I need to be reminded that he is the worst on earth.

Because if he comes through town and calls me,

I will be there in five minutes.

- I don't understand. - Uh, Andre much?

- Okay, I understand. - I don't.

- You will. - What's that mean?

- He's hung. - Oh, God!

Pierce, you're disgusting.

Just like that I'm disgusting again.

I was one of the gang. It was in my hand.

Sometimes, a woman meets a man

that she just can't shake from her system

no matter much she knows better.

I lucked out with Andre, but God help me.

As you all know, there's not a lot he couldn't get away with.

So what, Britta? You're in love with a guy

who's named after a kickboxing vampire movie?

A fantastic kickboxing vampire movie.

No, I don't believe in love because of this guy...

Named after a kickboxing vampire movie.

Oh, Britta!

Oh, sweetie.

You wanna watch Blade tonight?

Yes.

Ugh, I love that I have a locker now.

All that wasted time going to my car

for mid-afternoon wardrobe adjustments.

What do you think, hmm? Stick with what's working?

You're gonna change your shirt?

Not if it's working.

- It's not working. - Yeah.

You're right. I knew it.

- I'll have what she's having. - Hey, grow up, lady!

- Annie! - His shirt wasn't working!

I need your help.

It Blade's carnival that's coming.

He's working the BB gun duck-shooting gallery.

I guess he finally got the promotion.

And he will call me.

And left unattended,

I will end up doing him like a crossword,

and I will regret it.

So I need you to take my phone,

and don't give it back until Monday!

Of course. Okay.

- For real? - Pipe it!

And I need to stay with you this weekend.

Not just stay with you, I need to be on lockdown.

You were a pillhead, so think of Blade as Adderall.

And handcuff me to the radiator

like a mother-flipping carny-banging werewolf.

I got this. I got this.

Our apartment has central heating,

but I get the idea-- stay strong.

Man, I wonder how many women I've affected this way.

Ha ha!

Whoo whoo!

All aboard the human being railway!

Next stop, spo--

I'll get to the point.

I'd like your student Troy Barnes

enrolled in the air conditioning repair program immediately.

Oh, a wonderful opportunity for a young man of...

Urban race.

Yet try as I might, I'm unable to make him see it that way.

I need you to change his mind.

But if he's not interested, what can I do?

Dean, have we forgotten that your school

is under the ac repair school's thumb?

Uh, we have not.

Then mine is not to tell you how to do what I want done.

Mine is to want

and to say my want.

Yours is to know and to do.

I know exactly what to do.

Natalie, could you get me a, um, book on how to do things?

You know what, just make me a scotch and soda.

- Make it yourself! - I don't know how.

I love Blade's special Blade weapons.

Yeah, see that sword? It has two blades.

One blade is silver,

the other blade is infused with garlic.

- I should check my messages. - No.

Guys, could we maybe watch a different movie

or just stop saying that word six times per minute?

- What word? - Blade.

Oh, because of Britta's ex-boyfriend.

Can you check my messages for me

and tell me if he called?

I don't think that's a good idea.

What if my mother died?

You guys are really talking over Blade.

- Not cool! - Annie, subdue your guest.

Annie, think for one second.

You have my phone, and you're not even checking it.

What if my mother is dying?

This is junkie talk.

You just wanna know where your phone's hidden.

I just wanna know if my mother is dying.

It's a simple yes or no. I'll cover my eyes.

You go check my phone and say,

"No, your mother isn't dying" or "Yes, your mother is dying,"

and then we go back to watching the film.

Give it to me!

That's right, Britta. It's a banana.

Why is there a banana in your DVD cabinet?

Read the banana, Britta.

"You are a lying junkie."

I'm sure those words hurt.

But you wouldn't be reading them if they weren't true.

I am so weak.

But we are not defined by our limitations.

We are defined by our potentials.

I have the potential to watch Blade.

You two are bad friends! Bad.

That's unfair. What about you guys?

Okay, you don't like our movie, we can't say the word "Blade,"

there's phones in the refrigerator.

Oops.

- Troy, Abed! - Let me see if he called!

I have a right to know! You're monsters!

You're Hitlers! You're racist pedophiles!

You're the opposites of Batman!

You don't know what that means.

Gonna rip out your throats and eat your--

Still think the lock was overkill?

No.

There's phones in the refrigerator.

It's you.

I need help reacting to something.

Hi!

I heard it's just a quick icky play.

You tell anyone we did this,

I will stop letting you do things with me

I'm afraid to tell anyone about.

Hey, I get it.

You wanna take a look at Britta's ex-boyfriend.

If you did it by yourself, you'd be weird.

You're the only one that really understands me.

Oh, funky.

Ha!

What, are you guys on a date?

Pretty awkward. Look what Pierce won me.

What is this?

I decided to go outside the group for a best friend.

And you couldn't do better than Chang?

You take that back!

He could do plenty better than me.

I was the first to say yes.

Well, have fun forcing life.

We will.

What do you wanna do next?