Shameless Hall of Shame

rock music

Are we just gonna leave him there?

Too cold and snowy to dump him out in the street.

I hope he doesn't steal anything.

Kev and V'll kill us.

Are you kidding me?

Frank's ass will still be lying there

when we come back in the morning.

Frank. You passed out again.

Uh-oh...

lullaby playing

Frank, it's me.

Should we move him?

Come on, Frank.

I don't have a lot of time.

Oh...

Dad, wake up. Get up.

Frank? -Frank?

-Frank! -Frank.

- Hey. Frank? -Get up.

Come on, buddy. Up and at 'em.

- Frank! - Wake up!

Get up!

Rise and shine, you lazy fuck!

Don't hurt me.

I thought the money on the bar was mine.

I didn't steal it. I will pay you back...

next...

Dad?

Do I look like Princess Diana with a hog between my legs?

Uh, you're a ghost?

That's what happens when people die.

And a real rocket scientist you turned out to be.

Three, two, one, go!

jaunty music

Give me the money.

Frank?

What? No.

Frank! What are you doing here?

Happy Thanksgiving.

I need whiskey.

We have to stay hydrated.

Wonder if I should've gotten the air-conditioned seats...

for my tushy.

Uh, Your Honor, all due respect,

maybe it's time for you to be

the change you wanna see in the world.

Hey, dipshit!

Nice panties.

Electroshock therapy.

I saw it on TV.

Plug that in.

-Really? -What, did I stutter?

I said--

What are you doing here?

I'm the ghost of Gallaghers past...

or some shit like that.

I've been sent here to help you change your ways.

Why you?

Well, no one else wanted to do it,

so he volunteered me.

Upstairs? You're in heaven?

Upstairs is hell.

Downstairs is heaven.

People have been getting this wrong for years.

organ music

You believe in God, Frank?

I believe in a force

that thinks it's greater than myself.

When you're living on the street,

you start to question if there really is a god.

There is no God.

We're all gonna die.

I don't care how much they meditate.

When the time comes,

those Hindus will be shitting their pants,

just like the rest of us.

You know what they'll be thinking?

"Fuck, I wish I'd tried steak."

upbeat music

Enlightenment is a waste of time.

Religion isn't a startup, Ian.

You want God to talk to you,

you gotta stick with the classics:

Buddhism, Judaism,

Christianity.

Father Pete. Just who I was looking for.

Silver's locked up, Frank.

All right, ten Hail Marys and light a candle.

Ten? Really? Just ten--

All right, 20. What the hell do you want?

The Bible is the word of God...

How can it be the word of God...

...passed down for generations!

...if it was rewritten by King James?

There's not enough laughs in religion these days.

Too much fire and brimstone. It turns the kids off.

And if you break the rules,

you burn in hell for all eternity.

And there's your enlightenment.

Enlightenment.

Nirvana.

I loved their first album.

So that's it? You're turning away sinners

who are looking for forgiveness?

This is why white kids are flocking to Allah.

If a man can't find a little comfort

from the Catholic Church,

maybe it's time to admit

Martin Luther had a point.

The human genitalia is like God's compass.

Our devices don't work

if we try to point them in a direction

they don't wanna go in.

Gonna meet your maker

Meet your maker

Eventually

You're gonna meet your maker

Ooh, ooh...

We have to deny the existence of a permanent entity.

All things are in a constant state of flux,

and no permanent state exists by itself.

When I lose something, I like to say a little prayer.

Heavenly Father, sweet Mary,

that donkey, little drummer boy...

Something's lost and cannot be found.

Please, Saint Anthony, look around.

Amen.

-Frank, great! - Thank you.

You didn't lose your job yet.

When you address me, I'd prefer you call me Francis.

Uh-huh.

I made a new tag this morning.

I'll also accept "saint."

"Francis" refers to Saint Francis of Assisi,

designated patron saint of animals.

I've always been a lover of animals.

Do I bless them?

Yes, I do.

Oh, shit, she's walking to Frank!

"Suffer the little children to come to me,

and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God

belongs to such as these."

Shit, he really is Saint Francis.

The Bible says...

Frank Gallagher!

This is the best place to shout at God.

Tell him how you feel. Don't be shy.

Just scream your guts out.

That all you got? That's it?

I'm still here!

Frank Gallagher!

You see me? You fucker.

Asshole! Motherfucker!

Now, let's take a look at the order form.

Says here you've become a horrible person.

-That's not true-- -Shut the fuck up!

I'm trying to read this to you.

I'm sorry, Daddy.

I'm supposed to show you

all the times you've been nice.

There've been a lot of them.

I'm here to remind you of who you really are

so you don't end up being fuck-buddies

with the Devil someday.

All right, let's do this thing.

Times you've been nice.

upbeat music

Don't touch my cup, Frank.

I just came over to say hello, Benny.

Jesus.

That's a neat trick, you knowing it was me, though.

You're one bucket of KFC extra crispy

away from giving Precious a run for her money.

You know I got a fucking thyroid condition.

Look, I can do this.

-They sent me home from school. - Well, beat it.

Your grandma and I are gonna get into some action.

No cockblocking.

Hey, wait. What's going on here?

Yeah, buddy. Who got you all snot-nosed?

Oh, my gosh. Who upset my little woodchuck?

Now close your mouth

before someone considers it an invitation

and pour me a goddamn drink.

What's he doing in our bed?

Ow.

I forgive you for everything you've done:

for not telling me when you cut that batch of coke

with just a touch of Drano,

for promising me to that drug dealer

in exchange for crystal meth.

And you told everybody I was nothing but a good fuck

on the washing machine at the Laundromat.

Frank, I am miscarrying.

Right now? Oh, God.

Will you come with me?

Frank! Four shots,

or you're disqualified.

Come with me, Frank.