MacGruber

Right on time.

Zeke! Hurry the fuck up!

Almost there!

Nighty-night.

Open it.

Load it up.

Sorry, I don't speak Russian.

Wait!

MacGruber

Making life-saving inventions out of household materials

MacGruber

Getting in and out of ultra-sticky situations

MacGruber

The guy's a fucking genius

MacGruber

MacGruber

He made a fucking movie

MacGruber

Sir, I still don't understand why we had

to come all the way out here.

Because, Lieutenant, we need the best.

And this guy's that good?

Yeah. He's that good.

Then why isn't he on active duty?

Because

he's been dead for 10 years.

Hello, Colonel.

Hello, MacGruber.

MacGruber?

How did you find me?

You forget I taught you everything you know.

Not everything, Colonel.

Hello, Jim.

MacGruber.

This is Lieutenant Dixon Piper. Lieutenant, this is...

The legendary MacGruber.

Former Navy SEAL, Army Ranger and Green Beret.

Served six tours in Desert Storm, four in Bosnia,

three each in Angola, Somalia, Mozambique, Nicaragua and Sierra Leone.

Recipient of sixteen Purple Hearts,

three Congressional Medals of Honor,

seven Presidential Medals of Bravery,

and starting tight end for the University of Texas, El Paso.

That was a long time ago.

Listen, Mac...

Colonel, with all due respect,

whatever it is you're here for,

the answer is no.

My life is here now. Everything I care about is in these walls.

I'm a man of peace. This is my home, these are my people.

Hey, hey! Shit! He'll give it back.

Look, MacGruber. Two days ago, a Russian convoy

carrying the X-5 nuclear warhead got jacked.

Yesterday, reliable sources informed us it made its way to US soil.

That's not my problem anymore.

MacGruber, the X-5 is one of the most powerful nuclear...

Yeah, I know what the X-5 is.

Lieutenant, give us a minute, will you?

Yes, sir.

Mac, you're our only hope.

Your country needs you.

I think I've given more than enough to my country already.

Mac, if this is about Casey, she...

It's not about Casey. It's about a promise I made to myself.

Listen to me, Mac. No, you listen!

I'm out of the game.

Well, the game has changed. But the players are the same.

MacGruber, it's Cunth.

What?

We have reason to believe

the X-5 is now in the possession of Dieter Von Cunth.

Cunth.

Mac.

This is your chance to finally take him down.

Sorry, Jim. I can't do it.

If you change your mind...

Lieutenant.

Do you, Casey Janine Fitzpatrick,

take MacGruber to be your lawfully wedded husband?

I do.

And do you, MacGruber, take Casey Janine Fitzpatrick...

Fuck you.

...to be your lawfully wedded wife?

Casey!

MacGruber!

I'm in.

What?

I'm in.

MacGruber. Thank God.

Your God can't help you, Jim. But I can.

So what do we know so far?

Very little, unfortunately.

We think Cunth smuggled the X-5 into the US,

but we lost the trail before we could pin any hard evidence on him.

I was actually talking to the Colonel. Colonel?

Everything Piper just said is correct.

Thank you, Colonel.

Well, then, if you'll excuse me,

it's time to go pound some Cunth.

Mac. It's not that easy.

Sure, to us, he's a black market arms dealer. But to everyone else,

he's become a respected businessman

and a major political donor.

He's untouchable.

Oh, I'll touch him, rookie.

I'll touch him wherever I want.

Now, Mac, one thing we have working in our favor

is that Cunth needs passcodes to make the X-5 operational.

It is imperative that Cunth does not get those codes.

Oh, thanks. Because before you said something,

I thought it'd be fine if he got them.

Now, I'm not gonna lie to you, Mac.

This is a very tall order.

Word on the street is Cunth's put together a team

of the most ruthless criminals this planet has to offer.

Zeke Pleshette. Constantine Bach. The Culebra brothers.

It's a veritable dream team of killers.

Well, then, I'll just have to put together my own dream team

of killer-stoppers.

Regarding that, Mac,

Lieutenant Piper here is one of the best men we have.

He'll be your second-in-command on this thing.

I got a better idea.

No fucking way.

MacGruber, I know I'm not what you expected.

Let me guess.

One year out of the academy, zero combat experience,

little punk thinks his shit don't stink.

Well, just to let you know,

your shit does stink.

It stinks like shit.

If you'll just give me a shot.

Give this a shot.

My fricking nose!

Now, if you'll excuse me,

it's time to round up a real team.

Asshole.

I got it, Rico. I got it.

Same old Frank. Always wants to go it alone.

MacGruber.

Man, I thought you were dead.

Last time I saw you, you had a grenade launcher in one hand

and an M-16 in the other.

And you had just ripped a dude's throat out with your bare hands.

Classic MacGruber.

So, looks like you're keeping your bod pretty tight.

You're looking pretty good yourself.

Well, every day's a workout

when you gotta carry around a 20-pound python in your jeans.

You and your dick comments.

It's fun to say them.

It's fun to hear them. That's why I say them.

And that's why I listen.

Wow, we had some good times together, didn't we?

We had some great times.

We're about to have some more.

Uh-oh! I know that look.

I need you, Frank. It's serious.

I'm putting together a team.

Then I'm in.

Two is a wonderful number

And three is a crowd, that's true

But four is the perfect number for sure

If it's two kids and me

and you

I love you.

That was beautiful, Vicki.

MacGruber. I thought you were dead.

So did I. But I'm not.

I'm alive and I'm putting together a team.

Good for you.

No, good for us. And good for America.

And good for fans of justice and truth.

Because you're on that team.

I can't.

Just give me one good reason, Vick.

I do.

And do you, MacGruber, take Casey Janine Fitzpatrick

to be your lawfully wedded wife?

No!

I lost my best friend that day.

I did, too.

And now we have a chance to get revenge.

Revenge? It's Cunth.

I'm sorry, I've started over. My life is my music now.

If you change your mind.

It was good to see you, Vicki.

Is everything on schedule?

Yes, sir. We should have the passcodes by Tuesday.

Wonderful. Beautiful.

Have you ever been to D.C.?

No, sir, I haven't.

I was talking to the missile.

All right, you guys strapped in?

Yes! Tag 'em and bag 'em, MacGruber!

Yeah!

Just like old times!

Shit. I gotta go deal with the brass.

Fuck the brass! Let's go, man.

Hang tight.