Children Shouldn't Play with Dead Things

Who the hell is that?

What?

Son of a bitch.

Good Lord, I think that one's alive.

Let me see about that one.

Middle of the night.

Paul, light that other lantern for me.

Perfect.

Absolutely perfect.

Hurry up with that lantern.

Hey, Alan, I can't find the sail bag.

It's forward.

I looked, I can't find it.

Oh, Christ, I'll get it.

- Hey, Paul. - Yeah?

This island doesn't smell so hot.

Well, that's because they probably

don't bury their dead too deep.

This place is creepy.

Are we really gonna dig up a dead body?

That's what he said.

Sort of makes him a ghoul, doesn't it?

Boy, that's typecasting. - Shh, he'll hear you.

So.

So, you'll be an unemployed actress.

Paul, use this.

Well, I don't see any dead people.

- Oh, the, the graveyard starts right up around that bend.

Where's the cottage?

- Oh, a few hundred yards from the graveyard.

Say, Paul, I was thinking.

Since, Terry's a new member of the company,

sort of coming into her theatrical puberty, so to speak.

I just might have to invoke the rule of primal juncture.

Primal juncture, what's that?

- It means he gets to make it with me first.

Sort of like the slave master

breaking in all the new virgins, right?

- Well, crudely put, but basically accurate.

Well, Paul?

Well, you'll have to ask the virgin.

You're about 10 years too late.

I lost it when I was a Brownie, to an Eagle Scout.

Oh, really?

Scout's honor.

How many merits does an Eagle Scout get

for seducing a Brownie?

I don't know, you'll have to check that

in your Boy Scout Manual, under things to do in the woods.

Clever girl.

Everybody grab your suitcases.

Hey, Alan, who's your travel agent?

Count Dracula?

I feel like I'm on the Late, Late Show.

I'd whistle past the graveyard,

but my lips are afraid to be separated.

- Gee, I wonder if Tab Hunter started like this?

Oh, I haven't laughed this hard

since Granny got caught in the wringer.

There's a light ahead.

What is it?

That's the graveyard.

What the hell are they doing

with a street lamp out here?

This used to be a resort island.

Come on.

Oh, and don't worry, they only drink kosher blood here,

and all the vampires have their health cards

and they get inspected once a week.

You know, Alan, you're really weird.

You ought a be in a wax museum somewhere.

- Kneeling right under the guy in the black hood.

Well, there it is.

Ulalume, the sanctum of Satan.

It's a set, you had it built.

It's a masterpiece.

The vibrations are powerful.

- Why the hell would they build a graveyard out here?

Ah, yes, a logical question,

to which there is a logical answer.

The island you see has a history,

which I shall relate.

But first, the 10 cent tour.

Which we get for only a quarter.

This area is the pauper section.

All the corpses here were buried recently.

Kelly just levels off a section of ground,

throws the stiffs in it until the section is filled

then levels off another.

You mean the people right under my feet

were just put here?

They're hardly cold.

And a more delightful gaggle of retches you will never meet.

Murderers, rapists.

- There aren't any paupers buried in that section.

No, indeed there aren't.

That is hallowed ground.

Come children, Uncle Alan's going to curdle your blood.

Uncle Alan already does.

Turns my stomach too.

I hope these things are going to stay in the ground.

Not if I can help it.

Yuck.

- Feast your eyes on one of the last vestiges of grace,

one of the last flights of pure imagination,

of unadulterated creativity.

It's a boneyard.

A boneyard?

A boneyard?

What a travesty!

A sacrilege!

A masterful reduction of the sublime to the commonplace.

Only a truly ordinary mind, Jeffrey,

could conceive such an idea.

It is kind of pretty.

Give me a moment.

The magnitude of your simplitude overwhelms me.

Oh, what the hell's he talkin' about?

Humor him, it's an old war injury.

I'll talk to him.

Alan, is it your hemorrhoids again?

Your levity does not amuse me, Jeffrey.

You're on sacred ground, my friend.

A very font of evil.

For in this very crypt, lay a man

whose malice appalled the gods.

Whose unrelenting thirst

for vengeance inflamed the mind of Satan himself.

Even now, demonic forces hover here,

feeding upon the psychic force of that one act.

Be still.

Listen.

Even now, their malevolent gaze may be falling upon you.

- I don't care if their gaze falls upon me,

as long as they keep their pea-pickin' hands to themselves.

Come, children, stay in single file

and take hold of one another.

There are things in the night waiting for children

who stray out of the light.

It's a good thing he's a director,

because, wow, what a bad actor.

I don't know,

I kind of get the feeling something is following us.

Oh, what rot.

Could be.

Could be rotten.

Shh.

Did you hear that?

Yeah, I think I did.

Oh, brother, Alan will love this.

I know I heard something, wait a minute.

Well, we all heard it.

Evil entities.

I told you about them.

Not evil entities.

Probably just one weird person.

What's the difference?

We've got a shotgun in here.

- Paul, you can't scare off demons with a shotgun.

I don't care about demons,

I just hope we haven't offended the leader

of some hippy cult.

Oh, Christ, did you have to say that?

No, no, he's right.

What a perfect place for a mass murder.

How about this,

a group of jaded young deviants, that's us,

comes to a burial island to dabble in witchcraft,

try a few spells, but, but we stumble

onto some really sick cult which follows us

along a deserted path until, until finally.

- Oh, come on. - I'm leaving.

Don't give him the satisfaction.

What, I'm just being realistic.

I mean, they're having trouble all over the world

with grave robbers, ghouls, people breaking into cemeteries.

- But we're the grave robbers, whose going to bother us?

Nobody but demons.

Come on now, children, it's late and we've got a lot to do.

Cheerful.

Yeah, it has a nice, homey feeling.

- Better get used to it, it's home for now.

How long has this place been empty?

About two years.

This door is pretty sturdy.