Life & Beth

John. John.

John, there's something outside the house. Do you hear that?

That's probably just a raccoon.

Or Gerald.

- Gerald?! That's the scariest thing I can imagine!

Okay. Well, we can't just lay here and wait to die.

You gonna go?

You going or you want me to go? Whichever you want.

Gerald?

God!

Shit! Sorry! It was just a tiny rock.

Matt?!

- I was tryin' to throw it at the window to wake ya up.

- What the fuck are you doing here? Are you on coke?

- No. Do you have any? - No!

Shit. Okay, doesn't matter.

Listen, I really need to talk to you.

- God. - I already told you, okay?

I'm sorry. I-I know I'm a special gal,

and you have a great place in your heart for me,

but I-- you gotta move on, man.

Ew. No. I just--

I really need to talk to you, Beth. I really need to talk to you right now.

Can we just go sit somewhere, please?

My God, you scared the shit outta me.

Fine. Go inside.

Yeah. Can you be a doll and-and pay my cab?

He's got twins in college, so tip, like, 30%.

It's a nice place.

It's a nice, little place.

That's a cool James Baldwin painting.

You read much of his stuff?

- Matt! What? - Okay, okay. I'm sorry.

I'm just-- I'm a little nervous, alright? I got--

Do you remember Melanie, my ex?

- No. - I told you about her!

She's the one with the Crank Yankers tattoo on her ankle.

- Sounds cool. - Okay, so,

Melanie, my ex, dumps me for this guy

named Jason, who worked at this, like,

total douche resort in meatpacking, okay?

It was-- God, what was the name of the club?

My God. Who cares?

- Get to your point. - No, it's really gonna bug me.

It's, like, called Impasse or Undertaker or somethin' like that. I don't know. Um--

Anyway, so, Melanie gets knocked up, like,

five minutes after they start dating. Okay? And she decides to keep it.

And so, she and this dude, who worked at--

It's right on the tip of my tongue!

- My God. - They moved to Florida,

and I never hear from her ever again,

like, ever, until yesterday.

And it turns out--

Underpass. - What?

- That's the name of the club! Underpass! - My God!

- It was killing me. - Just shut up.

- Underpass. - Just-- It's 3:00 in the morning.

- Terrible music, worse drinks. He was a shitty bartender.

- Matt-- - Anyway,

they're goin' through a divorce, right?

And it's startin' to turn a little nasty now.

He demands a paternity test

for his 16-year-old daughter.

Turns out, it's not his.

Guess whose it is?

No way. No way.

- I'm pretty sure, okay? Melanie says she's, like, been lyin' the whole time.

She told me, like, she knew,

but she just didn't say anything

'cause she wanted to be with him, not me. I don't know.

- So, you're really not here to try and get me back?

Ew! No. I find you kinda revolting now.

- Okay, revolting? I'm not a 10.

- You're the only person I can talk to about this!

So, Melanie's saying, like, her kid,

or-or our kid-- I-I don't even know what the fuck to call her.

She wants to meet me.

My God.

You're someone's dad.

If my mom was alive,

she would die right now.

What does Meri think about all this?

- Do you think I could talk to Meri about this?

- No. No, no, no. - My God.

Okay. Okay. Okay. Y-You, you, you got this. Hey!

Seriously, it's gonna be alright. This is good.

- Yeah? - It's a good thing!

Like, do you have a picture?

Does she look like you?

'Cause she-- I mean, really, who knows at this point?

She might not even look like you. - Here.

That is your daughter!

My God, it looks like you in a wig!

My God. This is just like you in a wig.

This looks like a joke!

She's pretty though, somehow.

Sorry. Um, what's her name?

Claire.

Claire.

Alright, I don't know if I get the tuna melt or the turkey.

I'll just get the tu-turkey m-- the tuna melt.

Turkey's not too dry, is it?

- No. - Alright. You sure about that?

- Positive. - Alright. What's your name?

- Katie. - Katie, the beautiful lady.

Alright, I'll have the,

turkey club and an iced tea,

but hold the ice.

- No ice? - No ice.

'Cause I only have "ice" for you.

Enjoy.

Alright, I will.

Dad?

Ew. - "Ew" what?

You're way too old for her.

- No, I'm not. - New rule,

you can't flirt with anyone under 25.

Well, how am I supposed to know her age?

How can ya tell anymore? Alright, fine. I won't.

I swear. I promise.

Don't be so-- My God.

Of course, you do this.

- Katie, I need some ice! - Dad.

- She's breakin' my finger! - Stop.

Stop. It's, like-- My gosh.

When you have finished recording,

you may hang up or press one for more options.

Hey, Annie.

Um, I-I-I've been trying to catch you. I've...

been wanting to fill you in on John, um,

and Matt. My God.

Yeah. But,

I'm in this little girl's room today.

I'm organizing it. I'm not just, like, hanging out

in a little girl's room.

Hey, John.

Hey, Cesar.

- We all gonna go to Larsen's in a few. You down?

Maybe some other time.

I'm really enjoying being on my own right now.

Okay. See you tomorrow.

I just learned about myself, and

just wanna respect my needs and what I want.

Cool. Right.

I feel really good about that.

I'm gonna take off.

Cool. Thanks.

See you tomorrow. - See you tomorrow.

Have fun.

Well, well, well!

Look who came crawling back.

I'm not really back, Clark.

I have a job I actually love now. No offense.

- It's okay. My soul left long ago.

I've been quiet quitting for months. - What does that mean?

- I blend in with the background and don't talk to anyone. Watch.

Hi, Clark.

Great.

You don't deserve love.

- What? - Nothing!

- Wow. Really like what you've done with the place.

It's pretty great, right?

- Yeah. - You like that?

What the fuck is that?

- I'm thinkin' about exchangin' it. I-I saw this samurai--

- Cool. So, what are you gonna say to Claire?

Okay. So, I wrote some things down.

Because, I thought

maybe I would say somethin' wrong and screw it up.

- Let's hear it. - So--

You wanna hear it? - Yeah.

- I thought may-- - Shit. Don't say anything.

My God, hi, Beth!

- Hi. - My God! So nice to see you.

Matt didn't say anything about you coming by.

Yeah, I, I was in the neighborhood.

Yeah. No, this is cool.

This is like when you graduate from college,

and then you come back, and,

you know, everybody's younger than you and--

It's cool, though. It's not pathetic.

- Hey, Meri, can you just, like, give us a minute?

Like, one minute?

Yeah. Yeah, totally.

Absolutely. Yeah. I'll just see you

at home, sweetie, where we live.

- Yeah, probably. - Together. Happily. Engaged!

- Great. Yeah. - Right? Okay.

- She's fun. - Alright, here we go.

I'm nervous.

"Claire."

- That's a whole card? - Yeah.

"First of all,

you're beautiful--" - No.

- What? - She doesn't know you yet.

You're just, like, some old guy. You can't comment on her looks.

- Shit. - Gimme that card.

I don't trust you not to say it. Yeah. This is not good.

This is-- You're not saying it. - Shit.

"Ever since your mom told me that I had a daughter,