Slings & Arrows

Hydro. $284.63.

Geoffrey: Yeah. We have to pay that.

Cheryl: Rent, of course.

Geoffrey: After we open.

I've told him a thousand times.

Cheryl: Bell telephone -

Cheryl: They'll disconnect our phones again...Bell.

Geoffrey: Good. All they do is ring anyway.

You pick them up, it's people wanting money.

I can't run a theatre without a telephone, geoffrey.

Geoffrey: There were no phones in ancient greece

And their theatres did very well.

You're not taking this very seriously, geoffrey.

We're hanging on by a thread.

Geoffrey: And the very best things happen

Just before the thread snaps.

I thought you would have learned that by now.

Case in point.

I just fixed a toilet.

Cheryl: You're a genius, geoffrey.

Break's over.

Cheryl: We're back!

Geoffrey: Good news.

I have fixed the toilet.

As a reward to myself, I'd like to run the storm.

What do you think, andy?

Andy: Go for it, man.

Geoffrey: Go for it, man.

These are the words a director likes to hear.

Andy has been working on the lights now

For three days and three nights

He assures me there will not be another fire.

Andy. The storm, please.

Now, cheryl seems to believe that a theatre needs phones.

I disagree.

A theatre is an empty space...

And as per the four-hundred-year-old

Stage direction, we begin

With a "tempestuous noise of thunder and lightning".

It is a storm of colour and sound--

A dense, unnatural storm.

And we see it in glimpses, and flashes,

As miranda would have seen it.

We see fragments of the horror

And our minds provide the details.

We see the crew struggling to save the ship;

Alonso, sebastian, antonio, run below deck.

Antonio: Let us all sink with our king!

Antonio cries.

The boatswain calls out--

Boatswain: Take to the topsail!

Lay her a-hold!

Geoffrey: But the ship is torn apart by prospero's magic.

The mechanism of his revenge is set in motion.

Boatswain: We're split! We're split!

Farewell my wife and children!

Antonio all lost!

All lost!

The lights churn and swell like the sea-

Ah nuts.

Cheryl: Take five, everybody.

Ô cheer up, hamlet ô

Ô chin up, hamlet ô

Ô buck up, you melancholy dane ô

Ô so your uncle is cad ô

Ô who murdered dad and married mum ô

Ô that's really no excuse to be as glum as you've become ô

Ô so wise up, hamlet ô

Ô rise up, hamlet ô

Ô perk up, and sing a new refrain ô

Ô your incessant monologizing ô

Ô fills the castle with on ennui ô

Ô your antic disposition is embarrassing to see ô

Ô and by the way, you sulky brat, ô

Ô the answer is: "to be" ô

Ô you're driving poor ophelia insane ô

Ô so shut up, you rogue and peasant ô

Ô grow up, it's most unpleasant ô

Ô cheer up, you melancholy dane ô

Frank: Ah rodney, how long can a man stare at sheep?

Cyril: If he's a shepherd there's no telling.

Frank: Really cyril, there's gobs of work to be done.

Cyril: I know, duckie.

Oliver: I know what it is.

I can't hear anything.

Maria: We oiled the casters this morning. No more squeaks.

Oliver: I'm not talking about squeaks, I'm talking about bleats.

You do want the bleats?

Oliver: Of course I do.

What's the point of having sheep

If there's no bleating?

Where's the charm in that?

I thought that-

Oliver: Without the bleats there's no irony, maria.

Any fool knows that.

Maria: I'll cue up the bleats.

Yes, cue up the bleats, for god's sake.

Honestly.

There you are, now that's comedy.

Thank you, maria, you just saved our fourth act.

Ellen: Oliver.

The forgeries of jealousy?

Yes?

Ellen: Sorry everyone. Sorry.

You promised you would re-block it, weeks ago.

Weeks ago! You promised.

Oliver: Yes. I do have some other notes from last night's preview-

Ellen: My back is to the audience for the love of god.

I'm not being unreasonable.

I'm not saying I'm the most important here,

But arguably at that moment, act two scene one,

The forgeries of jealousy,

I am the most important character on stage

And I can't be seen by the audience.

She's always like this.

She can't make it through a rehearsal

Without throwing a tantrum.

It's on the list, darling. I promise you.

Fine.

Sorry everyone.

Sorry for caring.

Oliver: Right.

But her back is to the audience.

Oliver: What next? What next?

Kate.

Yes?

Richard: Oliver?

Are you free?

Oliver: I'm doing notes...

Richard: Can I get you for an hour?

It's about the seating plan for tonight.

An hour?

Richard: Oh by the way,

Great feedback on the previews everybody.

Break a leg tonight.

Oliver, we'll use your office?

Well, we are in good shape, really.

Maria, let's do a line run

And let them go home early, shall we?

We'll begin with the forgeries of jealousy

For ellen's sake.

Damn you.

Maria: Okay everybody, gather for a line run.

Hey, are your parents coming tonight?

With the leafs in the playoffs? Not a chance.

But you know who is coming?

My high school drama teacher.

Ugh! You're kidding.

I nearly freaked when I heard his message.

I mean, all the girls were in love with him.

He used to wear these black turtle necks

And give massages and talk about brecht.

Oh, take my advice,

Thank him for coming and dump him.

You can't schmooze with him hanging around your neck.

Maria: And ah... Lights up.

Ellen: These are the forgeries of jealousy

And never, since the middle summer's spring,

Met we on hill in dale...

What is the problem with the seating plan?

Well, it's not done yet.

It's as done as it can be, isn't it?

What does he expect?

And then there's the wine.

It hasn't arrived yet?

Not yet.

Well how long can it take?

I can see the vineyard from my office window,

For god's sake!

Well, apparently they're having trouble tracking down

Enough of the '99 chardonnay.

Tell them I'll accept the '98 sauvignon blanc,

But don't let them sell you on that dreadful riesling

They served at the press launch.

It was like drinking chilled german urine.

Right.

Oliver: You know, there was a time

When I could actually rehearse the actors

On the final day of rehearsal.

Anna: Jack crew's agent, (into on one. Yes?

Oliver: Thank you, anna.

Gary.

Voice on phone: Mr. Blickman will be right with you.

Can I-

Every time he calls, I'm put on hold.

Every single time.

Do the phones work differently in l.A., is that it?

Are you forced to make two calls at once?

I need six more for lenstrex.

Six more?

This is getting ridiculous.

There's no room.

We have to make room.

They're our major corporate sponsor.

And we're very grateful.

They're in the lobby, they're on the program,

They're on the back of the tickets...

Oliver-

We're sold out.

Well, who's this?