You Me Her

Previously on "You Me Her"...

So, this is happening.

- Yeah, yeah. Izzy took Molly, and... - It's awesome.

So now aphrodisiacs are part of Chicks Night?

That's right. Come on.

I just finished telling someone that I was the complication.

- What someone? - Ruby.

Fuck this.

What the hell happened to you?

I've been staying at my brother's place.

Okay, this is unsettling.

Hi.

There's a perfect shit storm brewing.

So, please, I'm asking you to come back with me.

I'm gonna ask you again. Is that what Emma wants?

'Cause I haven't heard from her.

If you and the professor chick had stayed together,

you would have three kids and be the dean

of Hamilton High School right now,

instead of smoking away your hangover with your nephew.

The dean is interested in hearing your student-services pitch.

Maybe I can thank you for real by

taking you out to dinner tomorrow night.

Are you asking me on a date?

Clomid time.

You must really want a kid.

I must.

Yay. Right?

Were you hoping for something different?

Not when I bought them.

I am more profoundly fucked in the head than I thought.

- Cool, right? - Mm.

Yeah, cool.

But, um, in a very specific way, you know?

Can't... can't quite put my finger on it.

Mm. Kind of a chick's place.

- Is that what you mean? - Mm.

I'd say more of a chicks-with-chicks place.

Oh, like you and me.

Yes. Exactly like you and me.

If we were a couple of lesbians

like everyone else in the place.

You think? Eh, I don't know. Maybe.

Probably. So, it's popular with lesbians.

Actually, if you Yelp it... which,

you know, I did, and I bet you did, too...

it doesn't say "Kombucha bar popular with lesbians."

It says "Lesbian kombucha bar."

My review will say,

"One Tegan and Sara song away

from being the most lesbian place on Earth."

Like a lesbian epicenter.

Which I guess would be a vagina.

Face it, Carm. This room is a giant vagina.

What are you up to?

- Up to? - Mm-hmm.

- I have no idea what you're talking about. - Carmen.

Fine. This is... this is me being...

You know, cool with it.

Yeah, but this... this place isn't polyamorous or bisexual.

It's, like, clearly for avowed lesbians.

Well, there weren't any bisexual

or polyamorous lunch places on Yelp.

Cut me some slack. I'm making an effort.

That's true. Thank you.

Izzy's not gay-gay.

I know that for sure.

Wait a second, but you're not for sure about you?

Is that what you're saying?

It took a decade of heteronormative marriage

and one sex fairy to figure out

that you're, like, gay-gay?

If I did that to Jack...

He wants a family.

He always has.

So does Izzy, as it turns out.

And you... do...

Too?

I'm so fucking scared, Carm.

I feel like...

I feel like I've just been, you know,

drifting along and playing along.

And then this alarm went off,

and I woke up in the middle of my life.

I have no fucking clue who I am or...

or what I want, like,

sexually, professionally...

or reproductively.

Damn.

Wow. You're gonna give me a nervous breakdown.

You think I'm having a nervous breakdown?

You think that I'm so confused and guilt ridden

that I'm driving myself over the edge?

- Ah, you've wedged a lot of zany... -

Hairpin life turns into a very short period of time.

- Maybe you're just dizzy. - Ugh, fuck.

My mom.

Oh. Moms, man.

She senses you've been a bad girl.

Bet you get grounded.

- Hi, Mom. - Hi, sweetie. It's your mother.

- Man: I'm on the phone, too. - Oh, hey, Dad.

Oh, you guys figured out speaker phone. Awesome.

Mother: ... gonna be in your neck of the woods...

... weekend together.

Yeah. Yeah, no.

No, that sounds... that sounds fun.

Father: Great! Then we'll be there Friday.

- Yes. Stupendous. - Mother: We might not...

- "Stupendous." - ... we'll give it a try.

Okay. Cool. Yeah, just call me when you're close.

- Okay. Love you. - Byzie-byzie.

Okay. Love you too.

Byzie-byzie.

Fuck me.

- You okay? - No, I'm not okay.

Em?

Oh, God damn it.

Just grab a seat.

- All right. - Oh, my God.

- Deep breaths. - Okay, too mu... way too mu...

- Overload. Overload. - Oh, okay.

You don't want that.

- Okay. - My parents are coming to visit.

In an R.V. that gets, like,

five miles to the gallon, because...

Because fuck the environment.

Global warming's just a conspiracy by "Big Green".

Oh, fuck me!

Yeah. Just dumped her.

Not taking it well.

It's about time you got a job.

Good morning. Very funny.

Could you possibly take a break

- so that maybe we could talk? - Neen, this place is a mess.

Apartments don't clean themselves.

Okay.

- No... - First, this place isn't a mess.

That's you. Again.

And second, you don't live here.

Well, I paid my share of the rent this month,

- so technically I do. - Wait, wait.

Why... why am I fighting this?

By all means, drop by and play cleaning lady

- whenever you flip your shit. - Thank you.

There's also 10 pounds of dust.

- I ran out of spray. - Unh.

That explains why I dreamt

that I was living in a giant lemon.

It's not like you were scheming a baby trap, Iz.

For a hot second, you thought you might be pregnant, and you weren't.

You might want to react to that

in some emotionally facile way

like a lot of other chicks would.

But you're not a lot of other chicks.

- You're you. - All fucking day long.

What else?

Um...

Feels like this whole thing

just might crumble down, and

I'm gonna be dragging the rubble behind me for the rest of my life.

Hey.

That's not fair.

If it falls apart, the screws were already loose.

Yeah, I probably should have remembered

that the suburbs make my skin crawl

before I dove into throuple cohabitation.

Okay. Back to the baby that you aren't having.

Maybe you thought it could be the magnet that,

you know, just, like, pulled everything back together?

That sounds so weird and desperate

and not at all who I want to be.

Way down deep inside, we are all weird and desperate.

I love you so much.

Me too.

Are you still dead-solid certain that you're in love with them?

Yeah, I am.

You can do the toilets next.

Thanks.

Study after study has shown issues

ranging from body dysmorphia to anxiety all improve

dramatically through counseling.

Through talk therapy.

That's why so many colleges across the country

are investing in wellness centers.

And that's just a fancy term for a one-stop shop

where adolescents can get their shit together,

to be honest.

So that's what I am proposing here

is a Griffin College Wellness Center,

addressed and tailored to the needs of your students.

So, thank you.

I appreciate you listening.

What is it about a guy at the front of the room?

Doesn't even require a guitar or ass-less chaps anymore.

Think they noticed me intermittently peeing myself?

No. No. I did,

but I was already looking in that general vicinity.

God, I have no idea why I said that.

That was wildly inappropriate.