The Chaser's War on Everything

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Oh!

Good evening, one and all.

Thank you so much for joining us.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Right, Ramanation.

Welcome to the world for another weekend.

And Chris look, now, seriously.

Yes!

Seriously, it's the election people.

It's taken to week three of the election campaign,

and finally, one of the candidates has got their pay.

Oh, yes, and the week of the areas,

it wasn't Axel Whitehead who exposed himself this year,

but rather a member of the Christian-based family first party,

who this is absolutely true,

has been accused of taking pornographic photos of himself.

Now, I think we've got the photos here.

Just before we go, and we should warn you, though,

to turn away for a few seconds if you are offended

by the sight of family first politicians.

There he is. Look at that.

The worm has returned.

Although we should point out that he claims it's not true,

he's not his.

Not his.

Somebody else's penis is there.

He's been to his legs, I don't know.

It's fine to have those kind of pictures

circulating on the internet, but I thought

he went a bit too far, putting that photo on his how to vote card.

Yeah, yeah.

I mean, certainly not a donkey vote, is it?

It's not a...

It's not...

Enough of the gutter politics.

Elsewhere in the campaign, the lips have been in damage control

all week after a leaked report about cabinet divisions over Kyoto.

Yes, well, a tumble and how it had been dodging questions

left right and center on this all week.

And they're desperately trying to put a positive slant

out of it. I hate the way they try to use spin like that.

I usually hate it. I mean, it's the kids who suffer

when Turnbull uses spin.

Oh!

The wrong kind of spin.

I'm sure Turnbull can afford the compo.

Well, you wouldn't see how it's making those kind of mistakes, though.

He's a seasoned campaigner, and I look, I'm getting sick of people

always saying that he's stuck in the past.

I mean, where do people get this idea that John Howard

is yesterday's man?

We are committed through to 1916.

I'm 1916. There's a man looking after our future.

But Craig, I think the pressure of the campaign is starting to take its toll on John Howard.

I've noticed he's really hitting the gin bottle

in a very big way on the hustling.

Isn't it?

Well, I know. It's getting to it.

I don't know. Yesterday, David and Kim from Channel 10,

they tried to cheer him up by giving him this bear.

But look, I think he could have chosen a better time to...

The de-squish for the bear. I mean...

That was his monocholowinsky moment.

He should not rely on his bears to a friendship like that.

That is a random bear.

Oh, that is disgraceful.

Look, he shouldn't rely on bears for friendship, John.

He should take it.

At least out of Kevin Rudd's book

and makes some new friends on Facebook.

He has clean friends.

Exactly.

Because Rudd loves these social networking sites like Facebook and Myspace.

He's down with the kids.

He's got thousands of friends, more than anyone else.

I went to sites. He's even friends with this guy.

It's a funny type of friendship, though.

The whole Facebook scene, isn't it?

Does Rudd really count all those Facebook friends as close personal buddies?

Because if he does, then I'm sure he wouldn't mind

if a few of them did what friends do

and dropped round to his place to say hi.

Go, Kevin, how are you? Where are your Facebook friends?

Hi!

I can't for a friendly sleep either. I've seen his very old such good friends.

So, what are you reckon?

But I didn't know you had any friends, do you?

Oh, no!

It does very uncharacterial.

I know you've got 5,000 friends, and they're all coming.

Very soon.

So...

I've said there's no room at the end of the night.

I thought you'd be happy to see it.

It's like an old reunion. You're going to catch up on the old times.

We could. We could. We could.

You've also been a bear too. That's not true. That's empty.

Antique could do the beer again.

Yeah, after scores, but there you go. Here we go.

Can I just say I'd love it, but...

I've been on the road for two weeks, nearly.

And I've got the kids waiting for me.

Is the friends of five years?

Yeah!

The friends of five years of five years.

Yeah!

Why the hell does it hurt?

The kids waiting for me.

So...

So...

Next time.

Oh!

Kevin!

Good night, all.

Oh!

Kevin!

Come on, you disappointed me.

Come on, you disappointed me.

Kevin!

If you've got any such a bad Facebook friend

after running a wall, mate, come on!

Oh, come on.

He's got a Facebook mate.

Ask Kevin, you'll tell him.

Still on Labor, the OAP made a big promise this week

to reform the Freedom of Information Laws.

Here's what they spilled out their policy as.

We do need to ensure that matters that are nearly embarrassing

to government can be released.

Bairacy materials will be released.

Now, that was the policy

and create some wasceptical about that.

But, sure enough, true to their word,

Labor released some incredibly embarrassing material this week.

We are George Ego.

We are George Ego.

We are George Ego.

We are George Ego.

The queue is more pissed than how?

It's extraordinary.

It's not a gym show.

But of course, the big Labor story this week

was the expulsion of Union Boss Joe McDonald from the party.

He's been causing headaches for Labor,

and here's how Rudd explained his behaviour.

The remarks that he made yesterday were incendiary, inappropriate,

and I believe unacceptable.

There you go.

He was basically spilled because of his language.

And here's the offending language that Kevin read objected to.

I'll be back. How do you like it?

I'll be back.

All he said was, I'll be back, but there's no room for language.

No, no, no. No way.

Rudd's not stopping at Joe McDonald.

He's also had to spill a swatzinger from the party.

I'll be back.

The Beatles.

I'll be back again.

Even Labor star recruit Maxine McEw.

I'll be back tomorrow, right?

He's tough. He's not nothing about.

But that is politics, Craig.

I mean, these people need to learn that you can't speak your mind

if you want to survive in this game.

You've got to keep your thoughts to yourself.

You do, but wouldn't it be great if just once

when you what politicians were really thinking?

If only they had thought bubbles coming out of their head.

Mr Constella, how are you?

You got mind-reading technology. It works really well.

Hello. Hello.

Hello.

Hello.

Very well.

I'm not clever enough to avoid you.

Oh, I've got it.

Oh, I've got it.

Right.

Don't want to ruin this coming.

Can you tell what you think he's out of?

So whether a climate or making news

reach the their flooding has killed at least 72 people.

The evidence is now clear.

The planet is being overwhelmed by some liberty documentaries.

What we saw with Katrina, to me, is just prologue.

I just think that it's worse as yet to come.

The UN estimates that by 2040 there could be as many as 10 million

global warming dockos narrated by famous people,

including even this one.

There is no finger!

But the fight against glib endorsements can be won.

A rousing call to action, narrated by Sean Penn,

directed by Tim Roberts, who's married to Susan Sarandon,

with a mandatory left-wing cameo from George Clooney,

and generalized support from Robert Downey, Jr.

A convenient cause, now showing token support

in cinema circles everywhere.

Now just getting back to the election chairs.