Lopez vs. Lopez

Good morning, George.

Why are you yelling at me?

Do you remember what you did last night?

Uh, went out for a few drinks,

so you know I don't.

Luckily, we have Ring camera footage to remind you.

Mayan, we don't have a Ring camera.

No. But our neighbors do.

Come on, key, get in there!

How come you're not working?

Because this one.

That could be any sexy Mexican man

eating a wing platter for 12.

We need to talk about this.

It's none of your business.

I was having a private moment

on our neighbor's porch!

Okay, Gordo.

I bought you some supplies for your hero presentation.

Construction paper, glue,

a spotlight because you're a star.

Thanks, Nana.

So did you decide who your hero is?

Abraham Lincoln, Martin Luther King,

me?

I chose a real hero--

Grandpa!

Orale! That's what's up!

I suddenly can't feel my legs.

First, I'd like to thank myself

for being awesome.

Second, I'd like to thank Rosie

for falling short in comparison.

The more I get to know Grandpa,

the more cool stuff I learn.

Plus, he's funny,

and I think his toilet humor will translate well

to the second grade.

Teacher, I know the answer.

I need to take this back

and have a good, hard look at my life.

Hey, can we talk to you for a minute?

Uh, yeah, make it quick.

I only got an hour left on my Peacock free trial.

Dad, you dismissed me last night,

but we gotta talk to you about your drinking.

It's getting out of control.

You had a blackout.

Mayan, I'm Mexican.

It was a brown-out.

Alcohol is in our blood.

They say my mom drank the whole time she was pregnant with me.

Word is, I blew a 0.7 in the incubator.

I mean, I just haven't seen you that drunk

since I was a kid.

You threw up at my middle school choir performance.

I wasn't drunk, Mayan. That was my commentary.

And if I'm so bad, why did Chance make me his hero?

Because he's seven and has terrible judgment.

You should be setting a better example.

Man, you know what?

I can't ever do nothing in this house!

Don't dismiss this with your catchphrase.

You're just jealous because your catchphrase is,

"Daaad."

Oh, what's all this?

Making lunch for your father?

No.

I'm watering down his liquor.

I'm just worried Dad's gonna backslide into his old ways.

As a vet tech, you should know

you can't teach an old dog new tricks.

You just gotta put 'em down.

I mean, I can't imagine

what all this drinking is doing to Dad's health.

His internal organs must look like chorizo by now.

Who knows? I mean, he's never seen a doctor.

Unless you count the one from his favorite movie,

"Boobie Howser Double D."

That's how we get him to stop drinking.

The doctor will say he's in terrible shape

and he's gotta cut back.

Well, good luck.

I mean, he didn't even go that time that he threw up

an entire canary like a cartoon cat.

I can't make him go,

but as CFO of Lop-EZ Movers, you can.

Just say it's for insurance purposes.

That could work.

Plus, it's always a good day

when I get to deceive your father.

I don't know why Rosie's forcing me to go to the doctor.

He already said I was healthy when he told my mom

I had ten fingers, ten toes,

and three legs.

That was 60 years ago.

Don't you think a few things might've changed since then?

Nope. I still have three legs.

And enough soda.

Despite what your grandmother told you,

you can't burp up everything that's wrong with you.

Lies.

My Tío Chavo was declared legally dead

at Knott's Berry Farm

until Snoopy poured some 7UP in his mouth

and burped him back to life.

I know you're scared, so I brought you something

that'll make you feel better.

Mayan, I'm a grown-ass man.

Do you really think a l-- ooh, red.

Don't worry, Dad.

No matter what the doctor tells you,

even if you have to make some big lifestyle changes,

we're gonna face it together.

Mayan, you can't trust doctors.

They make you sick.

Right now, I don't have tuberculosis.

But they're gonna run some tests,

and then suddenly, I'm gonna have tuberculosis.

So you think that doctors give you tuberculosis?

Yeah.

George, is everything okay?

I just got the results from my physical.

Remember, Dad, we're here for you,

no matter what.

I am...

in perfect health!

I have been diagnosed with "in your face" syndrome.

Normal, normal... excellent?

How is your liver not a Craisin?

I guess I'm so invincible,

I think I should probably join the Fantastic Four Lokos.

I guess your dad is just one of those people

who can drink as much as they want

without it affecting their health.

Like me with cheese.

I'm so powerful,

this tequila has started to taste like water.

I watered down your liquor.

What?

Mayan, that's a $9 bottle of tequila!

Because you have a drinking problem.

The only problem is,

you won't let me do it in peace.

My drinking hasn't hurt anyone.

If anything, it's brought millions of people joy.

That is true.

His Ring cam footage went viral on Nextdoor.

You know what? I can't win with you.

Ever since I moved in,

I've done everything that you've asked,

and it's never enough.

I'm starting to think that there's no point

in even trying.

Okay, I don't want you to feel that way.

You have done a lot.

I don't need to be watering down your drinks

or tricking you into going to the doctor.

Wait a minute, that was a setup?

You told me that was for insurance!

Mayan made me do it.

I get no joy in deceiving you.

And I did not know,

because like Mayan always says,

the less I know, the better.

I can't believe you lied to me, Mayan.

You're the only person I ever trusted,

and now that's gone.

Come on, Dad, you don't mean that.

Am I even really your dad?

Or have you lied about that too?

Okay, where are you going?

To go get a real drink

that hasn't been watered down by my daughter,

but by a real bartender!

Two more.

You're, uh, still upset about what Mayan did, huh?

Course I am.

She lied to me.

She thinks I have a drinking problem.

You do not have a problem drinking.

You just have a problem sobering up.

My mom was someone with a real problem.

She drank herself so numb.

She let me go hungry. I was three years old,

on the streets looking for food in dumpsters.

Ohh.

So that's why you eat out of the trash.

It's comfort food.

Eventually, child protective services took me away.

I never saw my mom again.

Your mom gave you trust issues.

And when Mayan tricked you,

it brought up all those feelings.

You see?

It's so obvious, even you get it.

Maybe you should tell some of this stuff to Mayan.

No, man, it's bad enough I had to grow up around it.

I don't want her thinking about all that sad stuff.

I have to protect her. I'm her father.