South Park

This is closed-circuit television for South Park Elementary School. And now,

Super School News. News made for students, by students.

Welcome to Ssuper School News. I'm Jimmy Valmer.

And I'm Rick Cartman.

The price of milk money will go up next Monday to 49 cents. The school claims

the added money is due to the cow shortage in South Park County.

Parent-teacher conferences will be held this Wednesday night, from seven to nine.

So kids, get a lot of playing in before you get grounded.

And now, for a look at what's on the menu for school lunch today, here's Stan Marsh.

Eric, it looks as though the school will be serving a chicken cutlet. Now that's traditionally a uh,

a white meat chicken... breast, if you will, that has been breaded,

and then cooked. I've been told there will also be tater-tots, and a vegetable dish.

This is really shaping up to be a ah ah one fantastic lunch. Eric?

...Hard-hitting reporting, Stan. Thanks a lot. And now, here with the celebrity watch is Butters Stotch.

Butters, seen any celebrities?

Nu-noo, not yet. I've been standin' out in front of the school for about .

..two hours now ah, and I haven't seen any celebrities.

Uh about thirty minutes ago I thought I saw Sigourney Weaver, but ih ih turn- it turns out it was a dead horse.

All right, Butters, keep your eyes open.

Will do.

More snow for South P... p-p Park. Here's Token Black with the weather.

Jimmy and Eric, it looks like a massive snow storm is headed South Park's way.

I asked my

dad last night and he said that he heard the snow storm is expected on Tuesday.

Guys?

Kyle Broflovski now joins us for a look at sports. And Kyle, the girls' basketball team just can't get it right.

Another devastating loss for the Cows last night, Eric. They were ahead

in the game until Kelly Anderson crying because she missed her daddy,

who's on a business trip in Thailand. Uh, Kelly was so upset she couldn't play,

and the Cows had to forfeit.

Cows are on a six and O slide since Kelly's father left for that business trip.

And that's all for Super School News. Enjoy your day at South Park Eh- .

..eh- ...eh- ...eh-

ehehehehe

eh- ...Elementary.

And we're cut!

All right, nice reporting, guys. Nice.

Boy, that was a GREAT episode!

Yeah, I think that was one of our best shows yet.

Boys, I'm afraid I have some bad news. The school has to cancel your show...

What??

For God's sake, why Mr. M-m-Meryl?

Well, the students just aren't watching ya. Your rating was only a four this whole week.

How many students is that?

Four.

Four students watch your show. And meanwhile, Craig's show is getting a 57!

...Craig's show??

What is that butthole doing now?!

O-hoh, it's brilliant! It's all just video footage of animals close-up with a wide angle lens.

Animals Close-Up With A Wide Angle Lens.

But that's... that's crap! That's not even TV!

It's what the students want, and it's cheaper to make than your show.

Just one person and a video camera.

Craig is a genius. Uh sorry, kids.

But, Mr. Meryl, we're trying to bring the news to the students. They need to know the facts,

and our news team them, very much.

Kids don't care about the news, boys. It's boring. Kids wanna see animals,

close-up, with a wide angle lens.

Please, Mr. Meryl, but, the news is our life. Without it, we have nothing.

I'm sorry, kids. Y-y-you should be proud of what you've done. It's just that it's kind of gay.

...You're gay!!

Gee whiz. We sure worked hard on that new show.

Apparently it doesn't matter how hard you work.

Hello boys, ready to do some whistlin'?

Fuck off, Whistlin' Willy. We're not in the mood.

If you want a pizza, you've gotta whistle.

Come on!

There you go!

God, I wish we had a Pizza Hut in South Park!

Hey look, Craig just walked in.

Yeah!

Hey look, it's Craig!

Hey, Craig, over here!

Geez, and all that from a stupid video show.

Oh hey guys. Heard about your news show being cancelled.

Go play with yourself, Craig.

Yeah, well, I've got an overall deal with the school, heh.

They're paying me six dollars a week to come up with new shows.

Your idea took about this much thought, Craig!

This much more than you had!

Hey, a round of root beers for everyone! On me!

Kenny, what the hell are you doing with this asshole??

You're helping Craig make his show?! I can't believe you would betray us like that?!

We've always been supercool to you!

Hah ha ha ha ha ha We're gonna do a neeew show

And you can't do it with us because you are too poor

and poor people don't watch the news nyanyanyanyanya nya

Ah whatever, Kenny!

Hey gang, I brought the new episode of wide angle close-up animals.

Put it, put it up on the, monitors!

Cuuute.

Super cuuute.

Gah, I just don't get it.

Wow, those animals are pretty cute.

Token! Now, come on, guys! We worked too hard to just roll over for Craig and his stupid overall deal.

Instead of sitting here feeling sorry for ourselves,

we just need to figure out how to make our show better!

Yeah. Maybe if we can get higher ratings by the end of the week, he'll let us stay on the air!

Well, what are we waitin' for?!

Come on, guys!

All right, we all need to come up with ideas for our show.

How about we revamp the name? Super School News sounds dry.

It should be Sexy News.

Action News.

Yeah, Sexy Action, that's good.

Maybe the problem is we don't have very good stories to report on.

Right. We should make up stories, because they'll be far more interesting.

Hey, yeah. Uhwhy I could say I saw celebrities even though I didn't, a-a-and then lie about what I saw them doing.

Nice, Butters, write that down!

Lie about celebrities.

We have to appeal to all the students, so we, we need hot girls for the sixth graders...

And panda bears for the preschoolers.

Good!

Maybe we need to make students think they have to watch our news show or they'll die.

Yeah! We should make up a bunch of reports about how dangerous it is to be alive.

Oh boy!

Fellas, are you sure all of this ie eh- ethical?

We're in fourth grade, Timmy. We don't even know what ethical means.

All right, Sexy Action School News Team, it's time to go to work.

Get out there and get some stories!

Sexy Action School News Team, ho!

Ah, Token, can I have a quick word with you?

Look, Token, I, I know the guys are having trouble bringing this up with you,

but uh.

.. Well the thing is, Token, we... we really need to revamp your whole TV persona.

Huh?

You see Token, people really enjoy seeing African-Americans on the news.

.. Seeing African-Americans on the news, not hearing them.

That's why all African-Americans newspeople learn to talk more. .. wha, how should I say... white.

Token, all the great African-Americans newspeople have learned to hide

their ebonic tribespeak with a more pure Caucasian dialect.

There's no shame in it, and I think it'll really help our ratings.

This is South Park Elementary School closed-circuit television. And now,

Time for the Sexy Action School News!!

Is South Park about to explode from a methane gas leak? More on that later. But first,

Stan Marsh has a look at some new outfits for the Raisins girls!

Woohoo! Woohoo!

Eric, the outfits are even skimpier than before, leaving very little to the imagination.

No doubt that if I were a little older, I would be aroused.

Woowoo!!

And now, for a look at the weather, here is Token Black, and Token, I hope there's no tornadoes headed our way.

No tornadoes, Eric, but interestingly enough, there is a low-pressure storm moving in over the Park County Valley.

Should bring us some chilly days ahead.

The Park County School Board has approved a bigger budget for the computer lab up-

Oooo, hang on, Jimmy, it looks like Kyle has the jinx on some students' bathroom habits.

Kyle?

Eric, sources are speculating that third-grade student, Pete Thelman,

pees sitting down like a girl. We've also got confirmation that Sally Turner

stuffs her bra. And Clyde Donovan has only one testicle.

One testicle!

What an asshole!

Uh oh, looks like it's Panda Bear Madness Minute!

Oh yeah, Panda Bear Madness! And now, let's get a look at the celebrity scene shot,

with Butters.

This isn't the news, this is a tr-tr-tr... travesty.

All right, so after my report on the unsanitary conditions of the school cafeteria,

we're goin' to Kyle for the story on Brian Teeves trying to make out with Susan Farkle.

Then let's do Token's report on how global warming is going to kill everyone in the fifth grade.

That is a terrific idea, Stan, A-Okay.

Fellas! Fellas, I got fant-tastic news! The vice-President, Dick Cheney, was in Denver yesterday,

and I got an interview with him for our news show.

Oooo, interview with the vice-President, hmmm. Frankly, Jimmy, I don't know how we're

gonna fit that in between cheerleader pie-eating and Who's got Skidmark Monday.

But this is real news!

It's boring news, Jimmy.

How do you know?? You you haven't s-seen it yet!

All right, tell me about it.

Well, in the interview, Mr. Cheney tells me all about how the-

Aww! Ohh! God, I just got so sleepy. I'm sorry, what were we talking about?

Look, fellas, I've got a real problem with the direction our news show is going!

We're dumbing down the school!

No, Jimmy, the school is already dumb. We're just giving them what they want.

We're making the news more appealing to students.

This isn't the news! This a b-b-bastardized quest for ratings!

Damnit, we have a journalistic responsibliltiy to bring students the fa.

.. the facts!