Silver Streak

- Yes, sir. Where to? - It's the train to Chicago. The Silver Streak.

- Silver Streak. I'll take care of your bags, sir. - Thank you.

- Thank you. - Thank you. Thanks

What are those conventioneers doing up at the baggage car?

Mmm, mmm, mmm. Now, ain't that somethin'?

I thought it was bad enough with the hippies on board. Now we got their fathers.

Oh, we had to get Mary Lou.

- She's our date for the party. - Come on, Conductor! Let's get this show on the track!

Oh, ho, ho. I beg your pardon, sir.

Hello. Am I in the right place?

First class. Yes, sir. Right this way.

Watch your step there.

- This is your room here, sir. - Okay, thanks a lot.

- Thank you, sir. Have a pleasant trip. - Bye-bye.

Sir, you think you're gonna be needin' all these bags up here? If not, I can store some of 'em down at the other end.

- Sure, sure. All I need is this one and that one. - Okay.

- You can take this. I'll keep the briefcase. - I'll take that.

- Is this the bed? - Yeah. I'll be makin' that up a little later on.

Okay, thanks.

- And this is... - Your lavatory and sink, sir.

- Nice, big room. - Very convenient.

- What's this partition? - Oh, that turns the room into a double suite..

We used to have a lot of calls for 'em... from the honeymooners.

I'm sorry.

I'm not doing it on purpose. This latch seems to be stuck.

Everything's changed. Did you say something?

No! No. I-I agree with everything you said. All I wanna do is take it easy.

Good, good. Then just settle back and enjoy the trip.

Because it ain't gonna be too exciting, now, but we'll get you there on time.

- Okay. Have a nice rest. - Thanks a lot.

- Bye-bye. - Good evening.

Board!

So long, L.A.! Bye!

Do you like this perfume?

I mix it myself.

Lovely. Very nice.

That's something, huh? Yes, sir.

We leave Los Angeles,

and we go right up there to Nevada...

into Colorado, across the Rockies...

up to Kansas City, Kansas.

Right in here's a town called Ashland, Missouri.

Cross the big Mississippi. Two and a half days, right up there in Chicago, Illinois.

- That's some trip, huh? - Mm-hmm.

- You from Chicago? - No, Los Angeles.

I'm from Chicago.

My name is Bob Sweet.

A sweet man, but a mean baby.

- George Caldwell. - Yeah?

Yeah, George, what racket you in?

- Publishing. - No kidding? Come on. Sit down here. - Thanks.

You know, I'm in vitamins myself.

Mm-hmm. Here. There's a sample for ya. Vitamin E.

Now, that is great for the old pecker.

Yeah, it really keeps the pencil sharp, and I'm not kiddin'.

Have you had a chance yet to check out the action?

No. Actually, this is the first time I've ever taken a train.

- You're kidding me? - No.

Come on

- Well, you're in for the ride of your life. - Oh, yeah?

You just pick out a little chickie, my friend... and it's hug and munch all the way to Chicago.

- Really? - I do it all the time.

I tell my boss that I'm afraid of flying... and I get this action twice a year.

It's a cat house on wheels.

No... Hey, listen. Come on.

It's something about the movement of the train that does it. All that motion makes a girl horny.

Well, I'll tell you, Bob. I'm not really interested in a shipboard romance.

- I took the train to rest and get a lot of reading done. - Hold it, hold it.

Right there, George. I believe I see my chickie for tonight.

Hi, there. Can I, uh, buy you a drink?

- I have one. Thank you. - Well, I'll just, uh, join you then, huh?

That's an old-fashioned, bartender.

- You go all the way? - What?

I said, do you go all the way... to Chicago?

Oh. Yes, I do.

- Well, then maybe we can do it together. - Do what?

Go to Chicago. I mean, you know, we're gonna be, uh...

stuck on this train together,

and we can't jump off.

Do you feel that motion?

Are you hot?

What?

I said, are you hot?

Lady, I am always hot.

Maybe I can cool you down.

How's the latch? May I?

Yes. Please, sit down.

What a nice surprise.

I said, how's the latch? We have connecting rooms.

The latch. Good. It's good. It's fine. Thank you.

It's a little bit rusty, but nothing serious. I'll get the porter to look at it.

There's no rush, is there?

Would you folks like a cocktail?

Uh, a martini on the rocks with a twist.

- Two. - Yes, sir.

- My name is George Caldwell. - Hilly Burns.

That's short for Hildegard. What's that pencil for?

Oh, you have to fill out your own menu card.

"One macedoine of fruit, beef Oriental, rice, carrots...

coffee, apple pie a la mode."

You print very well.

Thanks.

I'll have the same thing. You do it for me.

I can't even read my own writing.

I don't do shorthand, and I can't type.

What do you do for a living?

I'm a secretary.

- Well, how do you keep your job? - I give great phone.

I have a terrific personality.

- You going to Chicago? - Yes.

I'm going to my sister's wedding.

How come you're taking the train? You afraid of flying?

No, I'm not afraid of flying.

I, uh... I just want to be bored.

And you?

Oh, my new boss likes the old-fashioned ways.

He's just written a book on Rembrandt...

and he's gonna kick off his publicity campaign with a lecture at the Art Institute.

Oh, yes? I'm in publishing. What's his name?

Professor Arthur Schreiner. Have you heard of him?

Most people haven't.

He's, um... He's been a recluse working on this book for about 20 years.

- Where is he now? - Oh, he's in bed...

with a glass of hot milk and molasses. He's a health nut.

- What do you publish? - Oh, mostly nonfiction.

Gardening, cook books, how-to-do-it books.

Like sex manuals?

- I've edited a few. - An authority, huh?

I know what goes where... and why.

- That's very interesting. Are you married? - Divorced.

How come?

My friends all told me that my wife was too good for me...

and after a couple of years I decided they were right.

Sounds sad.

You say that your boss is in art history. Is that what you're interested in?

Not really.

Just got this job because I was available. I was willing to travel.

- Would you like some wine with this meal? - Oh, what a question.

Um, we'll have a bottle of the Mouton Cadet.

Very good, sir.

- You do that very well. - I give great French.

- He'll never talk. - We gotta find those papers.

Come on. We'll look in his compartment.

So that was your introduction to high society?

Look, he was very good to me.

He taught me everything from the pill to Picasso.

- What was missing? - A marriage license.

Is that what you want?

I did then.

Right now, I'd like some more champagne.

- Uh-oh. Shall I get another bottle? - Two.

This place seems to be closing down.

Why don't we take our glasses...

and go to our rooms?

We could even open the connecting door.

We could even break down the whole partition.

- I'll speak to the porter. - I'll get the champagne.

You were right. It's that motion.

I didn't understand it, but you were right.

Good night.

- Rapist! - No, no, no, no!

Pardonez-moi, por favor.

Excuse me.

Um, this won't take a minute.

Good.

Excellent. These are all right.

Sorry. Good evening.

Come in.

This is very nice.

- Would you like some champagne? - Yes.

I can't get over the size of this room without the partition.

They are small rooms by themselves. They're perfect for juggling.

- For what? - For juggling.

When you practice, the balls would always bounce off the walls.

Do you juggle a lot?

I know what goes where and why.

I like that song.

If I ever hear it again... it'll be difficult not to think of you.

- You put that very nicely. - Thanks.

To traveling by train.

Trains that pass in the night.

You like my new shoes?

- Yes, I do. - Why don't you take them off?

You can put them in that little locker over there... and the porter will have them shined for you in the morning.

- Really? - That's terrific.

- Is that the master's work? - Mm-hmm.

He gave me this copy for safe keeping.

Do you want to read it?

Slide over.

It's beautiful, isn't it?

Very.

Do you really edit sex manuals?

I really, really do.

But I have a confession to make.

I'm much better at books on gardening.

- Really? - That's my specialty.

Well...

is there anything that you might wanna pass on?

- You mean about gardening? - Yes.

Some helpful hints for the beginner.