Seinfeld

Well, I painted my apartment again. I've been living there for years.

Every time I paint it, it gets me down.

I look around and I think, "Well, it's a little bit smaller now."

It's the thickness of the paint, but I'm aware of it.

It just keeps coming in and coming in.

Every time I paint it, it's closer and closer.

I don't know where the wall outlets are.

I just look for a lump with two slots in it.

Looks like a pig is trying to push his way through from the other side.

That's where I plug in.

My idea of the perfect living room...

...would be the bridge on the starship Enterprise.

You know what I mean? Big chair, nice screen, remote control.

That's why Star Trek really was the ultimate male fantasy.

Just hurtling through space in your living room watching TV.

The aliens were always dropping in...

...because Kirk was the only one that had the big screen.

They'd come over Friday nights. Klingon boxing. Got to be there.

-What did you do? -Mousse. I moussed up.

-I guess it was just a matter of time. -I should've done this years ago.

I mean, I feel like I've had two lives.

My pre-mousse, and now I begin my post-mousse.

Tell me the truth, have you ever seen a better-looking guy?

Looks is so subjective.

I don't mean to interrupt or anything...

...but on Sunday, my friend is having a brunch for the New York Marathon--

Oh, God-- I keep forgetting to enter that.

She lives right above First Avenue, has a perfect view of the race.

-She said I could invite some friends. -Maybe.

No! I'm not going up there!

Harold and Manny.

Boys, boys.

Oh, Jerry.

I slid the rent under your door, Harold. Did you get it?

Hey, Jerry. Would you like anything from Ms. Hudwalker's apartment?

I was only joking.

He thinks I'm gonna give you Ms. Hudwalker's things.

We have to go up now and clean the apartment.

It's a good thing her rent was overdue. She'd be rotting there for a month.

She died? Mrs. Hudwalker died?

Ninety-four years old. I found her yesterday.

She didn't have her wig on. It was horrifying.

What's the matter with you? I'm talking!

So you know anybody who needs an apartment?

You know my friend Elaine?

Oh, yeah. I like her. She always says hello.

It's not promised to anyone? She'd take it in a second.

Well, Manny wanted it for his brother, but he got deported.

-What's the difference? It's true. -So it's okay? She can have it?

Sure. She's getting a bargain too. It's only $400 a month.

Okay.

-Okay. -Hey, Harold. What do you think?

Manny, look. Kramer put mousse in his hair.

Thanks.

What was that all about?

Oh, nothing important.

What's going on? What is that look?

What look?

Nothing.

Something's going on here.

I don't know if you should sit for this or not.

Sitting is good if you faint...

...but standing is good for jumping up and down.

-I can't decide. -Jumping up and down?

What are you talking about? Come on, cough it up.

Oh, Elaine, you know the way I am...

...rarely ever thinking of myself.

My only concern is the welfare and happiness of those close to me.

Sure, it hurts sometimes to give and give and give--

Would you please?

What would you say if I told you that--?

Told me what?

I got you an apartment in this building.

-No! -Yes.

-No! You didn't! -Yes. I did.

You got me an apartment in the building?

I got you an apartment in the building.

-How did you--? -Remember Mrs. Hudwalker?

The 94-year-old woman who lived above me.

-No. -She died.

-She died? -She died.

-She died! -Yeah.

-And the rent is only $400 a month. -Get out!

Four hundred a month? Only 400 a month?

-Four hundred a month. -I'd be right upstairs?

-Right upstairs. -Right above you?

Right above me.

We're neighbours. I'll be here all the time!

All the time.

We can exchange keys so we can come in and out.

Oh, this is gonna be great.

All the time.

The problem with talking is nobody stops you from saying the wrong thing.

I think life would be a lot better...

...if it was like you're always making a movie.

You mess up, somebody just walks on the set and stops the whole shot.

Think of the things you wish you could take back.

You're out somewhere with people. "Gee, you look pregnant. Are you?"

"Cut, cut, cut!

That's not gonna work at all.

Walk out the door. Come back in. Let's take this whole scene again.

People, think about what you're saying."

Thanks. See you later, Donna.

-What happened? -You can't believe what I did.

-What did you do? -I could tell you...

...but you won't believe it. It's not believable.

-How could I have done that? -Done what?

I told Elaine about an apartment opening up in my building.

-She's going to move in. -Elaine's moving into your building?

-Yes. Right above me. -Right above you?

-You're gonna be neighbours. -I know. Neighbours.

-She's right above you? -Right above me.

-How could you do that? -Because I'm an idiot.

You think you're an idiot, but with all due respect...

...I'm a much bigger idiot than you are.

Don't insult me, my friend. Remember who you're talking to.

No one's a bigger idiot than me.

Ever ask an ex-girlfriend to move into your building?

Ever go to a singles' weekend in the Poconos?

She's right in my building. Right above me.

Every time I come in, I'll have to sneak around like a cat burglar.

You're doomed. You'll have all your sex at women's apartments.

It'll be a permanent road trip. Forget about the home-bed advantage.

-But I need the home-bed advantage. -Of course. We all do.

-Come in for two minutes. Sit with me. -I was just in there. It's embarrassing.

Oh, who's gonna know?

-They all saw me walk out. -Two minutes.

My censoring system broke down.

You know that little guy in your head who watches everything you say?

He went for a cup of coffee. And, in that second, ruined my life.

My censor quit two years ago.

Checked into a clinic, emotionally exhausted.

So is there any way out of this Elaine thing?

Tough.

Water pressure's terrible in my building. She loves a good shower.

Never heard of anyone turning down an apartment because of weak showers.

If they were fanatic about showers, they might.

For that rent, she'd take a bath in the toilet tank if she had to.

Look at this woman feeding her baby...

...greasy, disgusting, coffee-shop corned beef hash.

Isn't that child abuse?

I'd like to have a kid.

Of course, you have to have a date first.

Remember my friend Adam from Detroit?

-Yeah, the guy with the flat head. -He's a cube.

Anyway, he got married about six months ago.

Ever since he's worn a wedding band...

...women have been coming on to him everywhere.

-I've heard that about wedding bands. -I wonder if that's really true.

That'd be an interesting sociological experiment.

You know, Kramer has his father's band. He'd loan it to you.

Hey, thanks a lot. I'll give it back in a week.

I don't know why you're fooling around with this ring.

I've been telling you, get yourself some plugs...

-...or a piece. -I'm not doing that.

Oh, man. You know, you're crazy. You're a good-looking guy.

What do you want to walk around like that for?

No, I'll put a half a can of mousse in my head like you.

I told you I don't like these sponges. They're too small.

I want a big sponge!

You can't pick up anything. There's no absorption.

Boys, boys.

Hi, Jerry.

Hello, Jerry.

Okay.

Okay.

Your friend can't have the apartment, Jerry.

-What? -Because somebody offered Manny...

...$5000 for the apartment.

I don't want to do it. Manny wants to do it.

Because it's true. Why shouldn't I tell him?

Hey, hey, I understand. You're businessmen.

Okay, okay.

Now he says that if your friend has $5000, we'll give it to her.

That's a lot of money...

...but if that's the way it's gotta be, that's the way it's gotta be.

You know, I used to think that the universe...

...is a random, chaotic sequence of meaningless events.

But I see now that there is reason and purpose to all things.

What happened to you?

Religion, my friend. That's what happened to me.

Because I have just been informed that it's going to cost Elaine...

...the sum of $5000 to get the apartment upstairs.

Five thousand dollars? She doesn't have $5000.

-Of course she doesn't. -So she can't get the apartment.

-Can't get it. -She doesn't move in.

No move.

So you see? It's all part of a divine plan.

And how does the baldness fit into that plan?

-Elaine? -Yeah.

All right.

This is gonna require some great acting now.

I have to pretend I'm disappointed.

So you'll see me really being a phoney. I hope you can take this.