It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

No.

No, no. This can't be happening.

I-I-I'm too young.

No, why are you doing this? I don't want to change.

I don't want to change. Oh, God, it's hot.

It's always so goddamn hot.

Someone's got to crack a door or a window. Oh, God, no.

It's all happening too fast.

I had plans, and they w-were perfect plans.

This is just all too soon!

What the hell was that about?

I'll tell you what that was about-- menopause.

-What? Men... Menopause? -Oh, for real? -Oh, yeah, oh, yeah.

I went through the same thing with Barbara.

Overnight, she became completely irrational

with the hot flashes and the mood swings

and the paranoia. That was the worst.

Always accusing me of having affairs.

Hmm, right. But you were having affairs.

Yeah, but it was a real headache,

and you can't have that around here.

I don't want this to be taken the wrong way 'cause,

you know, I slept with Dee that one time...

- -...but, like,

I'm, like, sick of looking at her.

-I, too. -You know? Is it, is it just me?

-No. -Okay. -No.

-No, it's not just you. -Okay, yeah, 'cause I'm not

trying to be mean, it's not personal.

You're just being honest about how you feel.

-Yeah. -Also, there's a smell.

-Okay. -There's a smell, yeah. And a lot of women have this,

and it makes me sick to my stomach,

and-and I don't want to be around it,

and I think that's what you're saying.

Well, no, I haven't noticed a smell so much,

but, no, I'm just saying, like...

I feel a lot of tension in the workplace

'cause we slept together, you know?

Legally, that's called a hostile work environment.

Okay, I can see that.

We can legally fire her

and bring in whichever man we want.

Oh... okay.

I see, I see where you were going with that.

Yeah, he's got an agenda. Uh, but either way,

it-it doesn't matter. The point is,

what we're talking about here is replacing Dee,

and I think it's a great idea.

I think, I think it's long overdue.

Look, if we're going to bring in another woman,

can we at least make sure she's competent?

Competent?

A monkey could do Dee's job.

- -A monkey could.

Terrific. Thanks for coming in. All right.

Move. Move. Not gonna get it. No. G-Give me a break.

-Move. -Wait, what is...

You listen to me right now, Jeffrey. You listen to me!

Because I have been listening to you for long enough.

I'm sor-- Who-who-who are you?

No!

No, no, no. This can't be happening.

This can't be happening, I'm too young.

Why are you doing this to me? Why?

I-I-I-- No. I don't want to change.

Y-You're not thinking straight, Cassandra.

-You have to... -Oh, God, it's so hot.

Why is it always so goddamn hot?

Somebody ought to crack a window.

No, I-I-I need more time.

I had it all planned out.

It was perfect, and this is just too soon!

Oh, God!

And that's the scene.

Yes, I'm aware.

I'm done. I was in character before,

but I'm me now, so you can tell me how good I was.

Oh, okay. Well, you just cut in front of 15 other actresses.

You're welcome. I took a gander at 'em and...

Plus, I do feel

like that's what the character would have done,

and I've been in character all day.

As a matter of fact, don't want to brag,

but I've been in character all week.

- -Okay, well,

uh, I don't think you're quite what we're looking...

Come on, man! No, I-I-I've been coming here for years,

and-and you never put me past you to the director.

Well, uh, listen, we have a-a lot of people

are going to be reading for this role.

No! I'm gonna see the director.

You're gonna put me through to the director,

that's what you're gonna do, 'cause I deserve it.

I deserve it. I am a trained actor.

Okay? I have spent

thousands of dollars on acting classes,

and are you gonna try and tell me

that was just all for nothing?

That all that money was just a waste?

Well, uh, not for your acting teacher.

Hmm?

You know, guys, it occurs to me

that, with this new employee,

we could be looking at a lot less work

and a lot more available time.

Perhaps we should consider a vacation.

Oh, that's not a bad idea, man.

I've actually been getting a lot more comfortable

with the idea of travel lately, like, um,

check this out, did you guys know that, uh,

Pittsburgh is in Pennsylvania?

-Yes. -Yeah.

No, think about that, though, that-that's crazy.

Like, two cities in one state?

-No, that's-that's not crazy. -No. No, not at all.

No, no, no.

All right, I don't think you understand.

There's two cities in the same state,

like, how is that even possible?

All states have more than one city.

That's totally possible. Yeah, multiple cities.

N... No.

-Yes. -There's... No. -Yes.

There's... Philadelphia, Pennsylvania.

Yes.

So, that's what Pennsylvania is.

-Oh, no. -No.

Oh, so Philadelphia's not Pennsylvania?

-No. -No.

No, Philadelphia is in Pennsylvania--

-What is this man talking about? -I...

I'm saying, how does Pittsburgh work? Am I constantly

going in and out of Pittsburgh throughout the day, yes or no?

No. - Explain this to me.

Oh. Oh, I understand. I think I understand...

-Really? -Finally, somebody gets it.

He's saying he wants to go on a vacation.

-Yeah. Well, yeah. -He wants to go somewhere exotic.

-Yes. -He wants to go to Fire Island. He wants to go to Greece.

-He wants to experiment. -No. That's not what I'm saying, no.

-He wants to try new things. -That is not what he said.

Wait, we're not going to Pittsburgh.

'Cause we're already there.

We're not in Pittsburgh. We're in Philadel--

-I-- This-this is not easy. -

Hey-o. Check it out.

What the hell is this?

It's Dee's replacement.

Why did you get a monkey?

Well, you know, we're gonna hire a girl to do Dee's job.

We're gonna have to pay her. You don't have to pay a monkey shit,

so I got a monkey instead.

It's like I said, a monkey could do her job.

Okay, but that's just an expression, Frank.

We need an actual person.

Oh, yeah? Check this out.

-Monkey, beer. -

See? Great, huh?

No. No, not great. Ridiculous.

You think a monkey can run a bar?

Run a bar?

I thought it was just to do Dee's job.

Oh, yeah. We need someone to watch over the bar

-'cause we're gonna go on vacation now. -Right.

-Ooh, vacation? -Mm-hmm.

-Has anybody floated out Pittsburgh? -Ah.

What is with you guys and Pittsburgh?

Okay, we're not going to Pittsburgh.

If we're gonna go on vacation, we're gonna go someplace good.

- -Yeah, thanks.

I mean, we've got the whole world to choose from,

and you guys want to go to the second-best city

in-in Pennsylvania? It's crazy.

Well, I don't know, like, are we in Pittsburgh right now?

Pretty nice. We like Pittsburgh.

Like, you know, how does Pittsburgh work, you know?

Whoa, hang on a second now.

That is really good. What'd the monkey put in this?

Beats me.

- Okay, well,

it's-it's very, very delicious, uh...

What's the deal with this monkey, anyway?

He some kind of mixologist?

He used to work in the movies.

He comes from a long line of movie monkeys.

Rumor has it

that he also did a short stint

making drinks for Kitty Dukakis.

-Wow. -Yeah. -Okay, okay. Interesting.

You know those were stiff.

Eventually, we're gonna need an actual person

to run the bar if we're gonna go on vacation,

you know, but, uh, while we're landing

on where exactly to go, let's, uh...

Mmm.

Let's keep the monkey around 'cause that is

the best beer I've ever had in my entire life, I swear to God.

Dee has never made a beer that tastes like that.

-You guys got to try this. - -Really?