Solar Opposites

Oh, bless me, Father, for I have sinned.

I took the Lord's name in vain.

I was covetous,

and I put some Yoplait peach yogurt in my butthole

and let a cat lick it.

Holy shit. Ew! A cat?

You're gonna make me barf.

Are you supposed to talk like that?

I thought this was a safe space.

Yeah. For me to kick your ass!

What the hell, Father?

You just got bounty-hunted, bitch!

Respect.

I'm home.

Nobody talk to me until I get something to drink.

I know I'm gonna regret asking this,

but why are you dressed like the Pope?

Oh, Terry, you ignorant slut.

I have to lay low when I bounty hunt.

This is my undercover gear.

Well, I'm glad you had fun.

All I did today was try to suck my own mound.

I present you the new Pupa.

- Ah! - Oh, my God!

Why does he look like a baby Pennywise?

Cha Pupa!

Aw! That's his cute new thing he says.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. What is that?

Glen Powell's specialty Kom-BRO-cha.

I did a bunch of bounty hunting today,

and it got me real thirsty for bacteria.

- - What the hell?

No teenager wants to drink that shit.

Wouldn't you rather smoke a fat J

or huff some cumin?

What are you talking about?

The Kom-BRO-cha is marketed specifically to idiots my age.

Okay. The truth is kombucha is poisonous to Shlorpians.

But Jesse and Terry are drinking them!

- Mm. Doesn't matter how we taste. - Jesse, no!

Taste? What does that mean? Why does how I taste matter?

It matters because I need to kill you and feed you to the Pupa.

Korvo, no!

Planet Shlorp was a perfect utopia,

until the asteroid hit.

One hundred adults and their replicants were issued a Pupa

and escaped into the... space,

searching for new homes on uninhabited worlds.

We crashed on Earth,

stranding us on an already overpopulated planet.

That's right, I've been talking this whole time.

I'm the one holding the Pupa.

My name is Korvo. This is my show.

Bollocks, I just dropped the Pupa.

Ugh. This is ridiculous. I hate Earth.

It's a horrible home.

People are stupid and confusing.

Why can't I pump my own gas in New Jersey?

It's the only Earth activity that calms me down.

I wish the entire atmosphere was fumes.

All the good planets let you breathe oil.

No!

What's happening here? What the hell was that?

The ray that makes you sit on the couch to hear some hard news.

I thought you were gonna kill me.

- I would never do that. - Okay, good.

Wait. No, I do do it regularly.

But first I'm going to explain why I do it.

Because you respect me.

No, because confusion can make your skin taste

like the bottom of a flip-flop.

Every three months, a very special thing happens.

I murder you, blend your body into mush,

and feed you to the Pupa.

- No, you don't! - Oh, yes, I do.

See, the Pupa needs to be fed your meat every 90 days or he dies.

I've lived here just as long as you and that's literally never happened.

Yes, it has. You just don't remember

because we upload your consciousness to the ship's hard drive

and transfer your memories to a new brain before I bap you.

But we leave out the murder memory so you don't get all pissy.

Okay, fine. Then why am I here?

Allow me to show and tell you.

Cha Pupa!

Huh. That really is cute.

AISHA, where did I put that instructional geode

that came with the Pupa?

Don't ask me. I'm not Mary friggin' Poppins.

Oh, nice. We actually kept it.

The Pupa Owner's Manual, Quartz Edition

Caution. Failing to feed your Pupa

replicant meat will result in death.

Proper care of your Pupa will ensure it evolves

and terraforms your new world.

You could feed your Pupa choice cuts of the nutrient replicant

or just blend and serve whole.

- Oh, that's what we do. - Shh!

Hello, replicant.

Have you had a fulfilling day of bounty hunting?

Yes, team leader. I sure have.

- -

- What an idiot. - I hate this.

The team leader now processes

the replicant's proteins in the painless method

devised by our Shlorpian doctors.

That doesn't seem painless.

He means for the team leader. He's not in any pain.

Aw, look at him go.

And now I upload the memories, minus just a few.

In a few weeks, the new body will begin

to produce nutrients, and the cycle will begin again.

Under no circumstances should this video be shown to your nutrient replicant.

This is freaking me out!

Don't worry. Being freaked doesn't affect the flavor of your flesh.

Ugh! Stop talking about my flesh!

So you guys just kill me and Jesse whenever you want?

No. Not me. Just you.

Why just me?

We all have mission jobs.

I'm the chronicler, Terry cares for the Pupa,

Korvo's team leader.

And you're the nutrient replicant.

I'm the bounty hunter. I literally bounty-hunted this morning.

This isn't Star Wars, bro.

That's something the Shlorpian elders made up

so you wouldn't question your actual role as a delicious treat.

But I've seen the Pupa eat all sorts of fast food and junk.

- Just let him eat that. - No, it's empty calories.

Terry and Jesse promised they'd stop feeding him that stuff.

We've been good.

- Yeah, we just say, "No way, Jose." - Cha Pupa!

Being the nutrient replicant is the highest honor a Shlorpian can have.

Your job is the most important out of all of us.

Oh, man. He is looking pretty hungry.

Poor little guy. Okay, screw it. I'm in.

Plus you'll save my memories anyway, right?

Yep. And after, you won't even remember.

We'll be back to normal.

Do you mind if this one time I do it myself?

Sure. How do you wanna do it? Sword? Flamethrower?

That thing where you rub your mound while hanging yourself in the closet?

Just a simple ray will do.

Here you go. Let me just grab the crystal that sucks your memories out. Ah!

Anyone comes at me with the crystal, I'll blow your fucking head off!

Cha Pupa?

- Ah! - Stay back.

It's not as bad as it sounds.

We just print out another you.

We can take all these memories away too. You won't be sad at all.

Oh, you're right about that. I won't be sad.

Because I'm blasting the Me Machine.

Put that ray gun down and kill yourself right now, mister!

- -

No!

He ruined my shirt!

The Pupa's gonna starve without his Yum meat.

The mission's doomed.

We're all gonna die, and I never even got to tour

the Burlington Coat Factory factory!

Everyone chill the fuck out. Uh, let me workshop this.

Pupa, eat this. It's good for you.

- Cha Pupa. -

- It's all gross and burnt up. - He needs to eat it to live.

What if we feed the little guy something else from the home world?

Yes! I purposely hid some Shlorpian powdered calorie chunks

in the emergency rations kit.

'Cause that's what I do. I think ahead, baby.

Oh, shit. I ate the chunks last year when we ran out of snacks.

Those were for emergencies!

It was an emergency.

I had to binge all of Shadow and Bone season two

so I could spoil it on Discord

before my Discord dudes could spoil it for me.

- Here. Lick the wrappers. - No. Cha Pupa.

You two stay down here

and try to get the Pupa to lick that wrapper

while I go work on fixing the Yumyulack printer.

Are you sure that makeup glue's strong enough?

This is drag brunch grade eyelash adhesive

I got from Terry's vanity. It'll work.

You ever think about what your drag name would be?

Mine's Nefertitties

'cause I would have some big old titties.

Oh, that is good.

Alright, let's see if this thing works.

Ugh, this doesn't look right. Scan this thing for nutrients.

Scanning. That thing is all jacked up.

The Pupa won't get anything from that.

Damn it. And the printer's shot.

We'll have to try something else.

- Is it expanding? - Oh!

Oh, shit. The growth particles are out of control.

AISHA, open the hatch. We have to get it off the ship.

Oh, crap, crap. Shitty, shitty, crap.

Are you gonna just leave it there?

I'll call heavy item pickup. They'll get it on Tuesday.

The city is not going like that.

Oh, come on. Just a wittle-bitty taste.

- Mm, yummy. - No!

Terry, look. I got Yum's Old Spice Swagger deodorant!