The Epic Tales of Captain Underpants

Toilet paper: one of mankind's crowning achievements.

Without it, we'd have to use leaves

or newspaper or a horse.

And no one loves TP more than George and Harold.

Not for its intended use, but for pranks.

- Man, I love TP. - Same.

I'm running out of oxygen!

- We're cool! - Me too!

Blah, blah, blah, blah!

Tra-la-la!

The Terrifying Perilous Misfortune of the TP Mummy.

That means "toilet paper time-out."

While George and Harold had successfully TP'd most items in Piqua,

they had their eyes on an even bigger prize.

TPing the entire school is gonna be the greatest prank ever.

We're gonna be legends.

Good thing we have a TP Teepee.

It's the best TP-only store that only sells TP.

Sorry, guys. You're banned.

Banned? For what?

Too much TPing.

Your principal, Mr. Krupp, sent this over.

Whoa. Nice poster.

- Can we have it? - No.

Great. What are we gonna do now?

- Don't worry, buddy, we still got... - No, you don't.

Aw, man.

Hey, there, Er... ica.

Erica, you don't know where we could get, like, a thousand rolls of toilet paper?

We were on the verge of pulling an epic TP prank.

We would've been legends.

Oh, so you're giving up? Legends don't give up...

legends like Horatio Dump.

"Horatio Dump. He never gave up."

Long ago, people threw their trash wherever.

Then Horatio Dump said, "Trash belongs in one place, not all over."

People hated him for it.

But he never gave up.

And that's why the place where trash goes is named...

The Horatio?

- The dump. - That's made up.

No, that's tenacity.

- Whoa! - Cool. What's tenacity?

Erica?

- She's like Batman. - Minus the angry mumbling.

Mr. Ree, Mr. Ree!

That's fancy French toilet paper, not a sack of potatoes.

This is Mr. Ree, the school janitor.

He's a dedicated employee and definitely doesn't have a secret past.

Ooh, I've said too much.

Three-ply, quilted, plush weave.

Not the usual sandpaper you order. What's the occasion?

We have a new French teacher, and I want her to have the best.

So you got a crush on the "ooh-la-la"?

What? That's ridiculous!

It's not like I want to take long walks at the movies,

trading butterfly kisses or... or anything!

- Whatever floats your boat, chief. - My boat floats fine!

- Liar. - What?

Yeah, you heard me.

Thanks, Marge.

Now, guard this toilet paper with your life.

It was very expensive.

So expensive, I had to use most of your salary to pay for it.

This is Ms. Yewh, the new French teacher.

She loves everything French.

And she always wanted to go to Paris,

but she'd settle for French-speaking Canada.

The best way to learn French is by speaking French,

which means in my French class we will only speak en français.

- Oui? - If we're banned from the TP Teepee,

where are we gonna get TP?

- Uh, the bathroom? - Smart.

Uh, excuse me. We got to go to the bathroom.

Yeah, me too.

In French.

You want us to go to the bathroom "in French"?

Oui, oui.

We apologize for using a joke that is over 280 years old.

Sit, s'il vous plaît.

Dang.

- Huh? - What the...

Ms. Yewh, uh...

I just wanted to make sure you're settling in

and to see if you had any questions...

I have a question. Why are you wearing skinny jeans?

No more questions, you two!

Did you join a band?

Go stand at the window

and pick out the Dumpster you'll be living in

after you flunk out of French class!

- Okay. - Anyway...

Do you have everything you need? Chalk...

Uh, anyway, there's a new teacher orientation this afternoon.

It's gonna be a blast! And it's...

...mandatory!

This is our current TP inventory?

Seven squares? We couldn't even cover a...

Holy cow! George, look.

Whoa. A TP mother lode.

It's a TP TD.

Touchdown!

- So good. - You're not getting anything

except a talking-to in my office, now.

Okay.

That toilet paper is for Ms. Yewh

and Ms. Yewh only.

She must go to the bathroom a lot.

Yeah. That's a lot of "oui, oui."

Ooh, we're sorry again.

She's an excellent teacher with a great head of hair,

and she smells like Saint Patrick's Day.

What?

So keep your grubby little paws off that toilet paper, or else.

- Or else what? - You... you... know what else!

- You don't have anything, do you? - Get out!

Let's roll... TP roll.

Yeah!

Nope.

Not yours.

For Ms. Yewh!

We're never gonna get that TP.

He's keeping all of that for Ms. Yewh. She's the problem.

You're right. So... what if we got rid of Ms. Yewh?

You mean like...

Yes.

We make a comic to embarrass her so much, she quits.

It's worked before... well, by accident.

Captain Underpants

and the Quarrelsome Tyranny of Queen Tootenfarti,

by George Beard and Harold Hutchins.

Once, there was this annoying French teacher

who was awful and really loved French stuff

and made all the kids talk French, like, "Oui, oui, oui, oui."

One day, she took the kids on a field trip in a bus and stuff.

They were all, "Yay," until they found out it was to a museum to see French junk.

"Le boring!" "I le know!"

But first, they had to walk through the mummy exhibit.

The mummy was Queen Tootenfarti, an ancient Egyptian queen.

The sign said, "Don't touch the mummy,"

but the teacher did 'cause she's dumb, and the mummy woke up,

and she farted her mummy spirit

into the teacher and made the teacher the mummy.

Her face got all rotten and yucky.

She scared all the kids. "Groan! Groan in French!"

Captain Underpants flew in. "Tra-la-la-la-la.

Stop, mummy!"

And she's all, "I will eat you, 'cause I'm hungry"...also in French.

Captain Underpants is like, "So? Me too!

I had to leave dinner with my mummy to come fight you, mummy!"

The mummy attacked, but he could see she was kind of sad and stuff.

Captain Underpants thought, "Hey, she was in a box, like, very long!

She must be lonely!"

So he wrapped himself in toilet paper and made her think he was her boyfriend.

"You're so pretty, grr and groan!"

She fell for it and he grabbed her hand,

but 'cause she was a million years old, it crushed to dust.

"Oops," said Captain Underpants.

The mummy was all, "Now I'm mad and French,"

which is super dangerous.

She attacked! She, like, threw out all this old stuff

and went, "Oui oui, oui, oui, oui, oui," all over the place.

He fell inside a car-sar-ca-gophulous box!

She was gonna eat Captain Underpants!

But then someone came and hit her on the head

with a frying pan and knocked her out.

"Who did that?" said the kids.

And Captain Underpants said, "Why, that's my mummy!"

And it was! It was his mom who stopped the old French Fartentooti

and saved the day.

The end.

So how long before Ms. Yewh quits?

All she has to do is read the comic, get mad, fill out all of the paperwork...

- So... how long? - Six to eight years.

- We can't wait that long. - You two.

Got a major gravy spill in the kitchen.

- Need your help. - You want us to wipe up gravy?

No. You're not certified for that.

I need you to guard that toilet paper.

You see, Mr. Krupp asked Mr. Ree to guard the toilet paper,

but neglected to say from whom...

meaning fortuitous error for George and Harold and this story.

We're so close. Almost legends.

Just got to cover this last bit. Let's hit it.

Now, I know you like French stuff, and I know you like to go to the bathroom,

So I got you a little surprise.

Oh, no, eternal winter!

Yay!

- No! - We're not finished.

Oh, yes, you are.

And after you clean up this mess,

you're going to mow the entire football field.

That doesn't sound so bad.

- With your teeth! - What?

- How would we do that? - With your teeth!

But how would we do that?

With... with your teeth!

Just wanted to see if he'd say it three times.

So good.

We were so close. This is gonna take forever.